I would try to call the person on the telephone because I feel that the tone of voice often helps to give a more clear state of that persons response to questions than an email or letter. Also, I found that hearing a person's voice elicits a memory as much as a picture. I would also think of some special memory that I shared with that person and design a question that should provoke the memory, if indeed it is the same person. Not like a password kind of thing, but a statement or question about the memory or memories to see if their reply fits.
For instance, I have a younger brother and sister that I never knew really well but they knew my father. His middle name is a word that I could work easily into a sentence or question. I would probably put it in the conversation to see if there was a memory, or how their voice changed or didn't change when I said the word. Gosh this is hard...
I was separated from other family members and they were terrified to contact me. However, circumstances arose where they had to and two of them just showed up on my doorstep hoping against hope that it would be alright. The third person, did a combination of both of these things.
I hope this helps!
Discussion Topic
First Contact
Posted on 04/30/08, 10:11 pm
If you and a brother, sister, parent, child, or other relative have been separated, and you would like to make an initial contact with the person, but you also have concerns over safety or want to be certain that the person is indeed who they say they are, or you want the contact to proceed slowly because you were separated under difficult circumstances or because you have been separated for years and you're not sure if either of you is the same person anymore, how would you handle the situation? Would you ask the person to exchange email addresses with you? Would you ask a personal question that only he or she could answer? What would you say at first?
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Reply #1 04/30/08 10:30pm
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Reply #2 04/30/08 11:56pm
I'd say what I was thinking, in a pleasant,careful way and not saying much at once, just seeing how it went. I'd be prepared to back off, knowing that some people want to stay as they are, for whatever reasons.
Often the hardest part is getting ready to make the first step. -
Reply #3 05/01/08 4:30pm
I would like to know if my half brother had a good life. He was put up for adoption right after he was born. -
Reply #4 05/02/08 8:04am
It must be hard having a missing brother or sister.
As a child, I used to feel as if I had a missing older brother, but I think it has to be just my imagination. But I did feel a sense of loss and longing anyway. -
Reply #5 05/08/08 2:42am
I would do what I do when I meet any person I don;t know that well at first, I would just be myself and ask them to do the same. Like Oprah says when someone shows you who they really are believe them. In the end you know if someone is good or bad, they can only hide for so long. -
Reply #6 06/22/08 12:32pm
For me, my reunification with my father has already happened - May 14th, 1994. I was 17 and had never seen or heard from him within my memory. He had seen me when I was about 20 months old but of course I have no recall that early. I hadn't seen photos or met any of his brothers or sisters or my grandparents. No calls, no letters, nothing. Then, very much out of the blue, "Dad" called. My mother answered. I was still asleep. My mother told him to call back at 6 p.m. She told him she'd let me know he called and allow me to decide whether or not to accept his call. I knew I would - I had waited all of my life to meet that man called "Dad". We met about 2 hours after his call.
My mother accompanied me to the public place where we agreed to meet. I would not have felt safe or comfortable going to meet him alone. I was surprised by the lack of feelings I had actually. I was in a very stunned state, I think. He came to our house for the evening. I showed him some photos of me when I was a child. We took some photos. Talked. It was surreal. He explained he would be in our province for the summer. My high school graduation was approaching and I invited him to come. Having my father at my high school grad was like something out of a movie. Just surreal to me.
No regrets. Everyone's situation is different of course but I always advise people never to meet someone alone in a private place. Don't share too much information with someone until you know you can trust them. As it turned out my father was very trustworthy and we were able to develop a friendship until he died unexpectedly in 2001. -
Reply #7 08/25/08 12:35pm
E-mail is a good way to get to know missing friends or family again. You can take your time to sort out your feelings, and to think of responses to their questions. Just remember that it may be as awkward and emotional for them as it is for you. I have missing persons that I would just like to know how they are, and to be able to keep in touch in the future. I don't want to push my way into their lives, but there is a hole in my heart that only those persons can fill. We can't change the past, but we can affect our todays and our futures. -
Reply #8 08/25/08 4:43pm
WildGypsyStyle, it certainly helps. Thank you for your reply to this discussion topic. You have made a difference for the better here. Even though you are no longer on this website, we wish for you every good thing and a beautiful life. Stay in the arena and keep striving! -
Reply #9 08/25/08 4:51pm
RoseM1111, you have given a well-thought through reply. Your practicality and pragmatism will help you as you advance through life. Ever trust that there is good in some others as surely as there is good within you. Thank you for being with us in Missing Persons. -
Reply #10 08/25/08 5:00pm
Tigger48, circumstances have a way of working out well for folks over the long run despite temporary setbacks. Life for others is seldom as horrible or as charmed as we might imagine when we don't know for sure what happened to them. Somewhere in the vast middle ground between the two extremes is where he likely finds himself today. Children who are adopted are chosen out of love and often turn out better than children that parents have by birth. I wish you immeasurable success in your search.
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You are my brother, sister, mother, father, son, daughter, or other relative. We were separated by circumstances such as abduction, adoption, abusive home life, civil unrest, family split-up, migration, natural disaster, personal tragedy, relocation, runaway, unexplained disappearance, war,... I am here and I remember you. Are you still out there somewhere?
