Discussion Topic
My little girl
Posted on 07/09/08, 08:45 pm
My 9 year old has just (a few months ago) disclosed that her biological father has been molesting and raping her for the past year on his visitation. I immediately got the police involved and he has been arrested. I also got her into therapy. I am so worried about her, and I don't know what to expect as far as her healing. I want to do anything I can to make it easier for her. She is scared all the time, she doesn't even want to be alone in the bathroom. The therapist says she has a great chance of recovery because of her disclosure and our intervention. Does anyone have any thoughts or recommendations? It kills me that she has to grow up with these horrible memories and scars.
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Reply #1 07/09/08 9:11pm
I am so sorry that she has to go through this. It is always difficult to deal with abuse, but the fact that she did tell you, and that she was put into therapy, and that she obviously has a loving mother, those are all working in her favor. I think a support system is the most important part of recovery, and as long as she has you to validate her feelings, and make her feel safe, hopefully she will heal from this in time. -
Reply #2 07/09/08 9:13pm
Thank you for your kind words. This is definitely the most difficult thing I could imagine going through. I hurt so bad for her everyday and I hate that I can't just erase it or take all the pain away. What I want for her is a normal childhood. -
Reply #3 07/10/08 1:49pm
I'm so sorry this happened to your little girl. But, I'm so glad that she has you to be there for her and love her and believe her and protect her. And I'm so glad you got her into therapy right away. Studies show that the sooner you're able to deal with trauma, the fewer long lasting ramifications there will be.
Have you worked with your little girl's therapist, too? She/he should be guiding you on how to help your daughter at home. Teaching you how to make her feel safe. I'd also recommend asking your daughter what will make her feel safer. For instance, when she doesn't want to be alone in the bathroom: First I'd say "You're safe here and I will protect you. But what will make you FEEL safer?" And it may be just that she want you to be with her. But asking her about it will get her thinking about it. She may come up with some creative ideas of her own.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Please be gentle with yourself. -
Reply #4 07/11/08 5:55pm
I am also very sorry this has happened to your little girl. I am so glad that she did confide in you! I am glad you are getting her therapy.
I hope she is able to talk about her Trauma, and Process some of it. I would REALLY search for a GREAT THERAPIST that is KNOWLEDGEABLE in Sexual Abuse and Trauma Healing. Not every therapist is trained for that. I truly believe in processing the trauma...the sexual abuse/dreams/flashbacks, etc...b/c by processing them, you then place those memories in a different area of the brain where it is stored, but not forgotten, but it is out of the the amygdala part of the brain, which keeps those nightmares/flashbacks to keep popping up.
I pray she is able to heal from this early on. BUT...she may as an adult have this come back to haunt her...this is called PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I pray she never gets this, b/c it's awful, and I'd never wish it on anyone.
I have PTSD from my childhood SA. I confronted when I was 16 y/o, went into therapy, but didn't seem to want to talk about it. Then, the last 5 years of my life have been a spiral down with PTSD. I'm 33 now, and am now on my Journey to Heal from the SA/PTSD.
Here's some links to find a good therapist, that is trained in Trauma therapy, in case yours is not. Sometimes, one therapist just doesn't jive with you...it may take some time to find one that 'fits.' I spent the last year trying to find my right therapist...and 3rd time was a charm. Same with my Pdoc, 3rd time was a charm. NOW, a year later, I have my great Treatment team, and am onward with my healing.
Here's the links:
www.sidran.org Lots of Info here. Email or call for referrals. Check junk mail for referral, as mine got sent there.
EMDR.com (add the www.) you can do an on-line search there for therapists. Anyone trained in EMDR has Trauma Therapy Experience. And, it may be a useful technique for your Daughter!
http://therapists.psychologytoday.... Do an on-line search there too.
You can always call around and ASK if they have SA/Trauma experience. And, it's important to ask what type of therapy STYLE they do. Some styles are better than others. I prefer an eclectic approach. I did not care for CBT- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Research Therapy Styles Here:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/pto...
Good Luck!
There is Hope in Healing!! -
Reply #5 07/12/08 10:07am
My best advice for you is to keep her in therapy for many years and keep an open dialog with her about it. My family stopped talking about what happened to me and now I feel like I'm trapped. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I wish I could express to my parents, but I know that they no longer want to talk about it. So, I'm begging you, don't do that to your daughter. She needs to know that she can tell you exactly how she feels about her experiences even if it hard for you to listen to. I wish so much that I could be open with my parents....
I wish you the best in the healing process. Your daughter has a great chance to get out of this with few scars. -
Reply #6 07/12/08 11:42am
I'm not so sure children always respond to therapy. Trust your mothering instinct when it comes to that. Also, it may be VERY important for her to feel some level of control.
It sounds like shes' having separation anxiety. I think it's good she trusts you and wants you close to her. It's also wonderful she disclosed to you. So many of us were too afraid or didn't feel like anyone would do anything and kept it secret.
She sounds like a very brave and smart young girl. You must be doing a good job for her to feel so trustworthy of you.
I have sought help for my son, who is ten, for suspicion of sexual abuse. Because he hasn't disclosed I cannot treat the abuse but only his symptoms (separation anxiety and night terrors being the worst of them). I let him sleep with me until those symptoms subside.
Some great advice I've received is to start working on teaching him self-soothing techniques. I've purchased some excellent bedtime mediation/stories that we both enjoy listening to. Lori Lite does a few different ones that are wonderful to listen to before bed. I've also purchased a book called A Very Touching Book which explains the different types of touch. She seems to already know if she's disclosed but it might help her feel empowered to know she's a SuperKid for telling you about it.
She can still have a normal childhood. Sexual abuse is rampant and more normal than we believe. -
Reply #7 07/13/08 2:54am
I cannot tell you how badly I feel for you both. You must be so proud of her strength in able to tell. My advise may seem small but is so so important. Listen....and keep listening. Don't pressure her or ask too questions about the actual abuse ....leave that to the therapist. Maybe start a sort of meditation time for both of you to show her how to find peace inside. Maybe find a little corner that can be just hers to meditate when she feels the need. Southing tapes and pillows ect.
She is lucky to have a good mom who listened and believed. Bless you -
Reply #8 07/13/08 10:17pm
Thanks so much for all your thoughts. She says she feels like she isnt talking enough during her visits with her counselor, and I have talked to the counselor about it. I think she is trying to take her time and earn her trust, and to build a relationship with her? I told my daughter to give it a little time and if she is still unhappy, I'll find somebody else.
I like the idea of tapes and meditation. -
Reply #9 07/14/08 1:13am
I would like to say how sorry I am that your daughter is going though this. You have a very strong little girl there, most of the times it takes years for the parents to find out, and then some times they never do until thier childeren are grown. As far as what you can do...Be there for her when it is time for her to talk about it, but never push it. When she is ready she'll talk, and thats when you will hear and see all the pain and raw fear, and yes angry. Hang in there you and your daughter can make it though the dark together.
HUGS to both of you.. -
Reply #10 07/20/08 6:47am
I am sorry this happened to your daughter. 2 and 1/2 years ago, my daughter was raped by my niece's husband. She was 14 at the time. Luckily, she told the guidance counselor at school and my husband and I were notified. The scumbag is in prison now. My world came crashing in that day. Never did I want any of my children to experience what I had as a child and yet here it was in front of me. You see I had never disclosed what had happened to me as a child but when we started family therapy it all came out. Part of my therapy now is to separate what happened to my daughter from what happened to me. I only know too well what this can do to a person and like I said I do not want my daughter to go through all that I have been through. I have had to be shown that our cases, though similiar because of the sexual abuse, they are quite different. The biggest difference is she told. She was not burdened with keeping a secret and a build up of shame and guilt over years of silence. She had parents who did not let her abuser get away with his crime. He is being punished. My daughter knows we are here for her and that she can come to us. She knows therapy is available anytime she wants it. I can't say that it has been easy for her. She developed a drinking problem and had problems with promiscuity as a result of the rape. She is just now coming to terms with her drinking problems and the reasons why she was drinking. She is no longer promiscuous. I helped her gain back the respect for herself, her body and helped her realize that she had the right to save sex for that special person in her life. She does not want therapy right now. Though that scares me because I know how waiting years to confront it can cause a lot of damage, I also know that it has to be done in her own time when she is ready to deal with it. She is years ahead of me already in that she told and the knowledge that she has the support she needs whenever she needs it. I won't say it has been easy because it hasn't. As parents, all we can do is be there when she needs us and to have the help available when she wants it. It's a difficult journey but your daughter has something huge that most victims don't have, a parent in her corner. She is not alone. Hugs to you both, Soleil
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