aprilmg

rebound and fighting the urge to go back to the bad

Posted on 07/23/08, 02:16 pm

Hey! I am new here and really confused. I was in a bad relationship for 11 yrs (married 7) and have been out of it for about 10 mths. Of course being the codependent/love addict I am, I jumped right into another relationship. Before I new it, I was living w/ this new guy, we're engaged, bought a house and me a brand new car. Now all of the sudden, I'm like how in the world did I make all of these huge steps w/out even realizing it. First off let me say my new guy is a truely wonderful guy. He is very caring, affectionate, successful, awesome to me and my son. I really couldn't ask for more from him. My ex was controlling, manipulative and addicted to sex chat lines (and who knows what other sexual things). The problem is that now I am finding reasons to try to run. I am used to high highs and low lows and with new it's always level w/ no drama. He is not what I am normally physically attracted to and that seems to be an issue for me. I usually love to be physical but just can't seem to get in the mood w/ him. Now I am having fantasies about the old (we were very passionate)and have kissed him 2x's in the last month. What is wrong with me??? I find this perfect guy who loves us unconditionally and I'm trying to run back to the old bad guy. I just can't figure out if this is b/c it's not right or I'm just running from intimacy. I all of the sudden crave independence and want to buy my own house and not worry about getting hurt or making a mistake....any advice would be welcomed.

• Reply #1 07/24/08  12:30am
  
  rosem1111
  For a start I would ask you to consider how well you know yourself and how well you deal with life generally. Your own nature could be playing a key part in what is going on and has been going on and you may have no idea.
  
  Have you ever had therapy, eg, Dialectical Behavior Therapy or ACT Therapy? They may be worth looking into.
• Reply #2 07/24/08  9:05am
  
  aprilmg
  I DO GO TO A REGULAR THERAPIST BUT I ONLY GO ABOUT EVERY 8 WKS AND I FIND THAT I START NEEDING IT AT ABOUT 4-6 WKS. I AM SO SCARED OF MYSELF RIGHT NOW B/C IF I LEAVE THIS AWESOME GUY, I KNOW I'LL PICK A BAD GUY AGAIN. I HAVE A MEDICALLY FRAGILE SON WHO HAS SURGERIES AND STUFF ATLEAST ONCE A YEAR AND HAS JUST GOT OUT OF A MONTH LONG HOSPITAL STAY FROM COMPLICATIONS DURING THE LAST SURGERY. PARTS OF ME WANT TO BE ALONE BUT OTHER PARTS THINK THAT'S JUST THE CODEPENDENT PUSHING AWAY SOMETHING GOOD B/C I DON'T THINK I DESERVE IT. I AM SCARED OF MY CHOICES, SO SCARED OF MESSING UP AGAIN. I HAVE NEVER BEEN A CHEATER BUT MY EX ALWAYS HAD ME CHASING HIM FOR LOVE SO THAT KEPT ME BUSY. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS FEELING OF WANTING TO HAVE SEX W/ MY EX IS COMING FROM. MY DAD WAS AN ALCOHOLIC WHILE I WAS YOUNG AND HE CHEATS AND IS JUST A MEAN, YELLING GUY NOW (BUT OF COURSE HAS A HUGE HEART AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYBODY...SO CONFUSING). I HAVE JUST BEEN IN A DRAMATIC, MESSED UP MARRIAGE SINCE BIRTH AND NOW I KNOW WHY I PICKED MY EX AND WHY I STAYED. I EVEN ASKED MY MOM LAST WK IF SHE WAS HAPPY AND SHE SAID YES, THAT REALLY THROUGH ME FOR A LOOP. SHE JUST IGNORES ALL THE BAD MY DAD DOES. SO, EVENTUALLY IF I STAYED W/ MY EX, WOULD I JUST LOOK OVER ALL OF THE BAD?? MY THERAPY APPOINTMENT TUESDAY CAN NOT GET HERE SOON ENOUGH!!!
• Reply #3 07/24/08  10:08am
  
  queenvalerie
  Well, that last line is really the important one. I take it you went through all these changes in your life without any counseling and that is really the paramount issue for you right now. Yes if you go back to the ex you will start to overlook all the bad and only see the good, even if it's only really "good" in relation to the bad. The sex may well have been good - but have you honestly forgotten what the bad was like? And as an adult child of an alcoholic you got more than enough issues with codependancy of your own let alone trying to clearly see what your mother is going through.
  
  Try really REALLY hard to be brutally honest with yourself and your therapist. It can and will change your life.
• Reply #4 07/24/08  11:06am
  
  aprilmg
  OK, I CALLED MY THERAPIST B/C I KNEW TONIGHT WAS THE NIGHT I WAS NOT GONNA SURVIVE AND OF COURSE HE GAVE ME TO GOOD KICK IN THE BUTT THAT I NEEDED. HE IS TOTALLY ON BOARD FOR MY NEW (SHANE) AND SINCE HE WAS MY EX'S (RICHIE) COUNSELOR PRIOR TO BEING MINE, HE KNOWS THE MIND GAMES THAT WERE PLAYED AND HELPED ME BY LOOKING AT IT IN A DIFFERENT WAY. HE SAID THAT RICHIE WAS MY DRUG AND THAT I AM HAVING WITHDRAWAL/CRAVINGS FOR THAT DRUG, TO TAKE A COLD SHOWER OR SOMETHING. I'M AM JUST CRAVING THAT RUSH THAT I USED TO HAVE B/C THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. IT'S NOT THAT SEX W/ MY NEW IS BAD, IT'S JUST I'M USED TO IT BEING A 5-10 MINUTE THING AND W/ HIM, IT'S MORE LIKE 45 SO I SPEND 30 MINUTES JUST KINDA HANGING OUT...(I KNOW, TOO MUCH INFO) LOL
• Reply #5 07/25/08  9:55am
  
  queenvalerie
  April, if that is what you need help with then nothing is too much information. It really is quite an issue for many of us no matter how studiously we avoid the topic. My ex was an active alcoholic so our sex life consisted soley of alcohol induced impotence followed by him raping me to make himself forget about the impotence. Clearly this is not something I miss, but it was something that affected me deeply for many years.
  
  Well done you for calling your therapist and I am glad to hear the he gave you the support you needed.

This group aims to gently help people decide about leaving or staying in their abusive relationship. This support covers whatever is needed to help the person be ready and able to go or stay; to actually make that decision and be confident it is the right one. The decision is a personal one and nobody can tell anyone what to do. We can only be with another person and help them sort out their thinking and feelings so they hopefully will know what to do, some time if not straight away.