Discussion Topic
I'm running to him
Posted on 07/21/08, 01:52 pm
I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years now. The last time I was with him was in April, for 3 months. Basically since I've returned home, he's been fighting and acting crazy with me again. He blames it on the distance. I would fight back and say that I don't want to go there when we aren't even getting along. Long story short, I got sucked in again. We went through the "honeymoon" phase for about a week and that gave me faulse hope. He bought me a ticket to Australia. I'm leaving in 3 weeks. I quit a really good job that I was at for 11 years, for him. I just feel so stupid. I should be breaking up with him, not running to him! I can't stand it that I always grasp that glimmer of hope. He told me before that he would me a computer so I can keep in touch with my friends and family. Now he says that he doesn't see the point because all I'll do is waste my time on silly things like Facebook or whatever. So now when I'm there, I'll have to go to the library computer which will be more difficult to use. I can already predict that when I'm there I will be so upset and alone many times (while he's at work and I'm sitting at home reading a book) and he will yell and fight with me again. But then the one good day we have together on the weekend is supposed to make up for the rest. His past behaviour is the best prediction of his future behaviour. I feel so stupid to know all this and yet I can't let go. I feel like I've gone crazy when it comes to him. I feel like I'm running to him, while he is so happy that he got me to fall for his crap once again.
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Reply #1 07/22/08 11:49am
Have you tried writing this all down in a journal and then re-reading it when times are good? It really is a tool that many here use, including me, that has kept us from going back repeatedly. And I mean write everything down. When it's good, when it's bad, everything. You will start to see patterns to his behavior that you will note be able to tolerate when it's only the two of you and you don't have a computer because HE deems it "silly". Just a thought. -
Reply #2 07/23/08 7:57am
You can see the trouble looming. What pulls you to go against this?
I had a sister who went to another country with a guy when she was 16. It took her 3 years to get back. She said they were absolute hell. -
Reply #3 07/23/08 9:40am
Angel, he is blaming the distance so he doesn't have to blame himself for his abusive actions. You can see it for what it is without him around because you are actually thinking about it and not just reacting to it. This isn't going to get any better if you go, he is just going to find another excuse to blame it all on and then it starts all over again with you thousands of miles from anyone.
That glimmer of hope that you always respond to is what we all responded to. The problem is that this is something that abusers like him do on purpose. They know that the constant pummelling of abuse is not going to hold us so they act nice from time to time. Maybe even for a long time. But it is never, and I mean NEVER, permanent. The key word here is "act". They are acting nice, not *being* nice. They know exactly what to do to hold you in the realtionship and do what they want and we tolerate what they do because we think back to the *nice* times. The nice times are a lie. They are a manipulation of our hearts and our minds. -
Reply #4 07/23/08 11:05pm
I know that the trouble is looming. That's why I think I'm so disappointed in myself for wanting him still. I feel like I have nothing keeping me here now because I already quit a great job to go there. It's amazing that he can literally be across the world yet still have this huge hold upon me. Maybe it's because I just want it to work so badly that I feel if I give it a chance, it just may. I have no idea what to do. I really don't want to go there with this horrible pit in my stomach. My friends and family are so excited for me to go.(they have no clue at all whats going on) I think I also feel like I don't want to disappoint them if this relationship fails. He seems like the "perfect man" to everyone. I wish I could go with my intuition rather than my heart. I don't know how I can change this. -
Reply #5 07/24/08 12:24am
It's good that you have a great job waiting. That gives you freedom. You can leave him if you want. You could buy your own computer.
I know it is hard to fight the part of us that draws us into what another part warns us against. Perhaps you should urgently seek out a good therapist to try to root out this disturbance that stops you centering on your inner self and acting from it.
I myself ignored so much in my life that was warning me and I paid a big price each time and still am. I didn't have the wisdom to know WHY my intuition, gut and even dreams were warning me, but they were... and I ignored them.
A tip I once heard about gambling is not to gamble what you can't afford to lose. Will any big harm be done if you go with him and it bottoms up? But there is another saying that we are affected by all we experience (so experience judiciously as this is you and your life).
Maybe it'd help you to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. -
Reply #6 07/24/08 3:25pm
I may have gotten confused here - Angel do you have a great job waiting for you there or did you quit a great job where you are now to go there?
As for your family - their excitement would be damn short-lived if they knew the truth of the situation. Try telling them what you are telling us and see what happens. And who give a hoot what they think if the relationship fails? That is between you and you. No one else. My ex seemed like the perfect man to everyone also. He was sweet and charming and nice and kind. To everyone but me. Me he beat black and blue.
Want to change it? Stop it. Just for about 15 mins. Just stop. Think of your life without him in it. A good job right where you are, an honest relationship with your family, a computer of your own, and no one, and I mean that - NO ONE - telling you that anything you want is silly and stupid and no one fighting with you and no one questioning what you want or why you want it or that you flat can't have it. Just for 15 mins. Yes I bet the thought takes your breath away, but isn't there that one little kernel of hope in there also? That the abusive life you very clearly see with him is NOT the one you want? You don't have to do anything about it right now - just think about it. -
Reply #7 07/25/08 1:01am
No, I just quit my job where I am now to go there. I've worked there for the past 12 years. It's so difficult because I feel like even if I do stay here, I've already given up a major part of my life for him. I'm scared to start over. I'm disappointed in myself for giving up my job when at the time things were so called going well. I used to be so independent. I don't know where that part of me has now gone. I wish I could find her again. I think that he's dragged me down so much now that even staying here and trying to find a job seems like a huge task. It's so annoying that I've given up sooooo much for him and he had nothing to give up. I don't know where to begin to get my confidence back. -
Reply #8 07/25/08 7:03am
Angel, this whole post makes me so sad for you. This is a set up for major isolation, to move you away from friends and family, to have no way to contact them....Please rethink it. Trouble is an understatement for what you are setting yourself up for.
Can you go and talk to your family truthfully? Tell them about him? Will they support you and try to help you through this? Please listen to all the good people here, and rethink this decision.
He is setting you up in Abuser heaven. Half a world away from everyone who cares for you. Please don't go. -
Reply #9 07/26/08 2:57am
I know all of what everyone is saying is true. But I feel silly because I keep hoping that he will be different this time. It's like I'm trying to belive what I want to believe and not reality. I don't feel like I can tell my family. Just in case it does work out I don't want to have them dislike him and have to hear it from them forever. I also feel like a failer if this relationship doesn't work out. -
Reply #10 07/26/08 7:37am
Angel, Try to stand back and look at this as if you were someone else. As if your sister, or a dear friend was going to do this. Knowing all you know abut abuse, and abusers, and the cycles you go through. What would you say?
You would say what I said...."What the F**k are you doing there?" Listen to that little voice in the back of your head. Don't worry about your family not liking him. Keep them informed, about the truth, so they can support you. If he should make a miraculous turnaround they will be happy....but in the meantime you are becoming more and more isolated, which A.) is not good for anyone, we need those close ties. and B.) It sets him up to do whatever he wants, which is to control you, and abuse you, and make himself the center of your universe to the point you lose yourself.
After many many years with an abuser, I will tell you that they are only nice to set you up for more abuse. To give you that glimmer of hope for something that they will never never give you. If you've been on this board for very long you have heard the statistic...Less than 2% of abusers ever change.
A little voice in the back of your head is telling you not to go....PLEASE listen to the voice. If you want to give it another try, do it here, close to your family. Please don't go to a foreign country, where you will have NO Rights, No Job, No support system. Please.
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