rosem1111

Reporting sexual abuse to the police

Posted on 07/20/08, 02:32 am

Ok, this is old stuff but it came up again this morning.

I woke up having a dream a client was sexually molesting me. I have always been worried about that as I work alone. It was ok though. In my dream, I got out of the room and reported him to the police. As I woke I remembered how two of my husband's friends had sexually abused me.

One raped me. The second time he tried, but I got away and I heard from my brother and sister in law that he killed my cat (they thought it was funny). The other one used to grope me whenever he got close, wherever, even in my own home. And I had it right in the forefront of my mind, as I awoke, how my husband did nothing.

When I went to the kitchen he was there and I asked him straight out why he had done nothing about these incidents. He said nothing. He likes to say nothing when it suits him.

But I said "How can you just sit there saying nothing. How come you never did anything?"

He said "If he raped you, why didn't you go to the police?"

I just told him he was changing the subject and asked him again why he did nothing.

He said he didn't know.

Duh?!

And in my head I keeep hearing "Why didn't you go to the police?" So I am being questioned and blamed?

And why didn't I report it to the police anyway?

I wish I had.

• Reply #1 07/20/08  7:09am
  
  hockeymom5592
  Because he did nothing, he implicitly implied that it was your fault, that you did cause it, because without his backing it was too hard...You were and are an emotionally abused woman. And you have the baggage to prove it. But the good thing is look how strong you are getting, look how you have managed to take much of your life back, while staying, how you are able to confront him, and make him stay on topic.
  
  He asked you why didn't you go to the police....to try to take th focus off of him as a complete failure as a husband to protect you. Not bad enough that you had to undergo this brutal attack from his "friend" (?) but you had to then deal with it again in the lack of response from him.
  
  Hugs to you Rosie. and I hope you don't mind me calling him an asshole from hell......
• Reply #2 07/20/08  6:52pm
  
  rosem1111
  Thanks hockey. That helps a lot.
  
  And asshole from hell is just fine :) . This morning as I put a load of washing on (funny when and where the thoughts come) I guess I was thinking the same basic things, like isn't that absolutely awful what he (and they) did? And the light is trying to get through the shutters of my mind.
• Reply #3 07/21/08  12:35pm
  
  hockeymom5592
  Hey Rosie...I think implicitly implied is redundant, isn't it.....grammatically speaking. LOL. But it is what he did, isn't it....
• Reply #4 07/21/08  12:35pm
  
  hockeymom5592
  Hey Rosie...I think implicitly implied is redundant, isn't it.....grammatically speaking. LOL. But it is what he did, isn't it....
• Reply #5 07/22/08  11:55am
  
  queenvalerie
  His tactic of blaming you for not protecting yourself by calling the police takes the blame off him for not doing anything. Was he in the room or nearby when these things happened? What was his reaction at the time? I don't mean his immobility - I mean did he blame you or what you were wearing or something like that? Clearly this is an item he is familiar with so its not like this is the first time he's hearing it.
  
  This lack of concern and victim blaming that he is indulging in now is a spectre of things to come from him. His lack of respect for you as a person, let alone as a woman, is just screaming at you through these responses.
• Reply #6 07/23/08  7:54am
  
  rosem1111
  The first time I got raped was when we were students in a share house and he invited this guy to spend a few days at our place (he had just come back from another state after his girlfriend threw him out). I hadn't had much to do with this guy at all, but found I needed to avoid him and lock my door after my then boyfriend went to work at night to keep this "friend" out. Then he'd bang on the door but I ignored him. He caught me one night on the way back from going to the toilet. My H never ever talked about the details. It was as if I was talking about something I shouldn't.
  
  The second time, when he tried to get at me, my husband invited him to stay after a fight with his now wife. Then my H went to bed leaving me to set up his room. My H would never discuss this either, nor what he did to my cat that he took and threw out his car and killed it. I found out about the cat the next day. He was gone when we woke. At midday his brother and his wife were on the phone and chortling over what happened to the cat - he had gone to their place and had told them. By the way, his brother is a probation officer and his wife is a psychologist.
  
  My h has never accused me of anything because of what I wear or how I act and there are no grounds for him to do so.
  
  With the groper, my h just did nothing, and never accused me of anything. He kept inviting the guy to the house and let him sleep here, even when our daughters were getting to be teenagers. He stopped coming to visit only when I said to my h I would call the police if the guy turned up. My h still let him use the yard, but he didn't try to come in the house.
• Reply #7 07/23/08  9:47am
  
  queenvalerie
  So he not only knew it happened, his brother and sister in law knew it, and laughed about it. Not only what happened to you, twice at least, but what happened to your cat. Like the whole thing was a joke and that you were over reacting. Well you weren't. You were right and he was wrong and that's that. This is disrespect of the highest order and it almost makes it worse coming from 3 such highly educated people who really should know better. The fact that your h continued to allow the groper to use the yard seems like him telling you exactly what he thinks. He values the groper enough to not get the police called on him so he won't bring him in the house, and he values you so little that even after knowing what happened he is still allowing this man around you and his daughters.
• Reply #8 07/24/08  1:18am
  
  rosem1111
  Yes.
  
  I wonder if the enormity of all this has kinda put me in a trance. It has seemed so unreal when I have stood back and seemed so alone in seeing that all this is wrong.
  
  But I did an amazing workshop on Tuesday (Aussie time) and the psychiatrist delivering it tipped so much dirt on people I had thought were very reputable. I didn't realise it at the time, but perhaps it is going to help me to sweep aside the influence on me of disreputable people in my life.
• Reply #9 07/24/08  10:45am
  
  queenvalerie
  It's always a huge surprise when we find out what others think of those we have a high opinion of. Is the psychiatrist who did this dirt-dumping someone you respect? If so then I would think his opinion would really impact you. If it is someone you just met and have no connection to, then you might want to take it all with a grain of salt.
  
  Yes, the awareness of the just how big the abuse has gotten can be mind-numbing. Looking at your life and your intimate relationships with new and finally *open* eyes is startling. But I found that when I finally did, it was the first truly healthy thing I had done is a very long time.
• Reply #10 07/25/08  6:55am
  
  hockeymom5592
  Val, I so agree with you. One day I stood back and looked at my life in a somehow detached way. I can't remember what caused me to do it, but I remember thinking, If I were on the outside looking in at this relationship I would be saying to me,"What the hell are you doing here?" And perhaps that was the beginning of my new life.....

This group aims to gently help people decide about leaving or staying in their abusive relationship. This support covers whatever is needed to help the person be ready and able to go or stay; to actually make that decision and be confident it is the right one. The decision is a personal one and nobody can tell anyone what to do. We can only be with another person and help them sort out their thinking and feelings so they hopefully will know what to do, some time if not straight away.