Hey Val....He gets me angry, but it dissipates quickly....because I know that my son loves me, and always will, despite stbx's best efforts at the contrary. And at the end of the day...that is all that really matters. I hold the belief that if I love my son unconditionally, that some day he will see the truth.
As for forgiveness....I think that's highly overrated. First of all, why should we forgive someone who has shown no remorse, taken no responsibility, and done nothing to repair the damage they have wreaked in our lives? And I KNOW he will never get to that place. I think that "Letting it go" is as good as it gets there....let it go, so that you can go on with your life, and move forward. Letting go is a proactive thing to do, forgiveness of someone without any change in their behavior just seems stupid....like setting yourself up for another kill...
Discussion Topic
Entitlement
Posted on 07/19/08, 05:40 pm
I first heard the word used in the context of abuse from Lundy Bancroft in his book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It is such a perfect word to describe these men. They are so self absorbed, they have such a narcissistic view of the world. They think they are so incredibly GREAT that they are ENTITLED to demand from us, to demean us, to threaten us, to hurt us....and that we should be grateful they are in our lives...They are ENTITLED to lie, cheat, steal, demean, isolate, and hurt us....and we should be grateful that they pay any attention at all to us, they are so incredible!!!!
It's like they are on emotional welfare, and we are the Dept. of Emotional Social Services. They keep taking and we keep trying to come up with more to give.....
But at some point we find ourselves tapped out...emotionally bankrupt...The entitlement runs out....
I hope that everyone who is bankrupted by one of these emotional bloodsuckers is able to get out safely...and can see that it's not them....I hope that you can see that they are NOT ENTITLED to hurt you...emotionally or physically... That NO ONE is ENTITLED to do that....
The good thing is that once you are out, once you have found the ability to JUST NOT CARE about them....you can begin filling back up again....There is still joy, and peace in this world....And I pray all of you find it.
It's like they are on emotional welfare, and we are the Dept. of Emotional Social Services. They keep taking and we keep trying to come up with more to give.....
But at some point we find ourselves tapped out...emotionally bankrupt...The entitlement runs out....
I hope that everyone who is bankrupted by one of these emotional bloodsuckers is able to get out safely...and can see that it's not them....I hope that you can see that they are NOT ENTITLED to hurt you...emotionally or physically... That NO ONE is ENTITLED to do that....
The good thing is that once you are out, once you have found the ability to JUST NOT CARE about them....you can begin filling back up again....There is still joy, and peace in this world....And I pray all of you find it.
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Reply #11 07/25/08 8:16pm
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Reply #12 07/26/08 9:14am
Well done you! Loving your son unconditionally does seem the best path. Sometimes, no matter how much we want them to know the truth, kids are just too young to truly understand it. That is, until they see it with their own eyes. Then the world is different not just for them but for all of us. Someday he will see hockey, I promise. My sweetie's kids were in the same position with their mother poisoning their minds against my sweetie and me. We waited several years, not saying anything good or bad about her. Eventually the kids grew up and saw a lot for themselves. They will never not love their mother - which I think is a good thing. But they will never believe another word she says about my sweetie and me since they caught her in a huge lie about us. See what I mean? In their own time, and in their own way, they learn what they need to learn.
I'm with you on the forgiveness front. I have heard from several here on DS (not this group and ot my friends - just folks) that I am the worst sort of sinner who is going straight to hell for not forgiving my ex. Not that I believe it, but it was what was said in the most superior tone inmaginable. Amazing isn't it? That a fellow abuse victim would turn around and abuse another in this spiritual manner. But I have reached apathy and I am happy with that. I don't hate him and I most certainly no longer love him. I don't wish him ill but neither do I wish him well. I just don't care anymore and that is just fine with me. -
Reply #13 07/29/08 9:26am
Judgment is the most awful thing. We can only do what we can do and who the hell do they think they are to tell you or anybody off.
A woman told me off at a workshop I went to last Fri and Sat when I said I had reservations about that approach to growth and healing. And yes, the tone was most "superior". I told her I wasn't a "raw prawn" (a rookie) and reserved the right to think for myself. Over here in Aussie land we say these people are "up themselves" - and that is no compliment.
But I couldn't be bothered to argue with her or to get personal. I told her I didn't think there was any point in going into it. Why waste my breath? And such people surely end up crucifying themselves. Better to keep my focus on the good stuff. Anyway, why throw pearls before swine?
I like the idea of not vilifying other people. -
Reply #14 07/29/08 1:15pm
I hear you Rosie. It's so hurtful when people who really should know better act like holier-than thou snobs and say the most excruciatingly dangerous things. More than once when I have posted about my apathy towards my ex there have been several "Christian" people who quite literally told me I was going to hell, that holding a grudge was a sin, that to not extend forgiveness to my ex was an affront God and everything would be just fine in my life if I accepted Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior. I was in tears a lot at the time and wasn't on the board for about 3 months after that. Eventually through my own therapy I came to a private and rather solitary, let alone "alternative", practice of my own spirituality and I am just jim-fine-dandy with that. I don't flaunt it, I don't smack anyone for their's and that's that in my mind. Now if we could just get some others around here to do the same I'd be a happy little girl!
Its amazing that even in an environment like a workshop where the attendants are actually there to discuss differing ideas that some people have just decided that they are right and you are wrong and they fully intend to tell you just how wrong you are. I am sorry that happened to you and she was most definitely "up herself"!
Well done you, nice reaction. -
Reply #15 07/29/08 6:01pm
Yes both of you, well done. I can't see how, in a country where religious freedom is a constitutional right, people can get off telling you how to live your life. Personally, I think there is a mountain that the greater power whatever call it is at the top of, and there are many paths...so if you find one you can take, that fits you it's all good. I too, practice my own spirituality. And I think the old saying that "to err is human, to forgive divine" is perfectly valid for me, and while I think we all have some divinity within us, I am not yet divine and not able to forgive. I think forgiveness is at least, a reward, that needs to be earned. If he never wants to earn it, that's ok w/ me....just don't ask me to just forgive. Getting past it is just jim dandy for me too...not thinking about it, continuing on with my life, going forward and not being stuck on the life i had with him, not feeling vindictive or angry over it....
Hugs to you both....and to anyone else who doesn't feel it's necessary to forgive their abuser...and to those who have. -
Reply #16 07/29/08 6:58pm
HERE HERE!!! well said hockey, very well said. I like the mountain analogy too. All our divergent paths ultimately lead to the same place. Good stuff! -
Reply #17 07/30/08 12:45am
Funny i saw that book in the book store today.They are so entitled.I just don't know i still care.Thats me but i stopping caring about this crap.He has no right.Still hurts though.. -
Reply #18 07/30/08 8:11am
It does still hurt, em, but when you get away, it immediately starts hurting less.....You're on the path tho. There are times still now, that it hurts, but they continuously become fewer and farther between....You have to take the time to absorb that he isn't the man you dreamed about, that you thought he was....and once you have been able to accept that, I think you will find it much easier to stop hurting over it.....
Hugs..... -
Reply #19 07/30/08 10:39pm
Words I am letting into my mind more these days, though cautiously, are projection and, more lately, transference and counter transference. Take the best and leave the rest is a good motto, I think. So I will look at some concepts now that once I came to avoid because some people wrapped them in a package I didn't find made sense for me.
Combine these inta psychic dynamics with learning theory and you can get to techniques for doing such things as extinguishing our attachment to these jerks. Curse their hold on us !
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