Yep, been there, done that. It's sickening, isn't it? The good thing is you are seeing what he is doing through clear eyes even if your heart is broken. Another good thing is that eventually your heart will mend - but not necessarily for his use.
And, my, don't they spew out nonsense ! It's all designed to negate what you say and destroy you emotionally. A good and healthy man doesn't do that. It is no way to behave.
Discussion Topic
The MONSTER is back.......
Posted on 07/15/08, 04:25 am
Well, the good mood ended tonight and the MONSTER is back, just as mean as ever !!
And my left eyelid had actually stopped twitching since my nerves were settling down a bit! Darn! Hateful bastard!
He's been really nice, cooking and eating all of his meals with me, coming home at a decent time, keeping me informed of where he's going and such without my asking or begging, discussing daily events, listening when I spoke, asking about my welfare. The decent, considerate things he should have always done but said instead he didn't want anybody putting him on any kind of time clock and it was none of my business!
He got upset because I asked him to please stop interrupting me. I was trying to explain to him how someone's insensitive comment made me feel and he kept interrupting me. I told him that if he'd stop interrupting me, then it wouldn't take me all night! I was laughing when I said it to take the sting off but like his old self, he only sees the bad in everything everyone does. He became furious (just like old times, eh?). His face transformed into the MONSTER face, sneering and angry at the same time and said that it usually takes me all night to say anything and he needed to go to bed, he had to get up for work the next morning and could I hurry it up!
He said his usual stuff about how he just couldn't ever figure out what I wanted from him. Oh, nothing much, I said, except respect, kindness and decency! And no lies, please! And a little affection that didn't ALWAYS have to lead to sex like in the past! He continued on to say I complained all the time though he couldn't say exactly what I complained about. He never can answer that one! He said that he thinks I imagine most of the things I say he does and he's not all that bad of a person. He said that I was a very unforgiving person and not like him at all as he's very forgiving! If he were me, he would have just gotten over it all by now.... Can you believe it? Yep, I can, too. Sigh.... some things and people never change....
Anyway, it' 1:23 AM and I'm gonna try to get some sleep. The pressure is off now. I knew it was coming.....
And my left eyelid had actually stopped twitching since my nerves were settling down a bit! Darn! Hateful bastard!
He's been really nice, cooking and eating all of his meals with me, coming home at a decent time, keeping me informed of where he's going and such without my asking or begging, discussing daily events, listening when I spoke, asking about my welfare. The decent, considerate things he should have always done but said instead he didn't want anybody putting him on any kind of time clock and it was none of my business!
He got upset because I asked him to please stop interrupting me. I was trying to explain to him how someone's insensitive comment made me feel and he kept interrupting me. I told him that if he'd stop interrupting me, then it wouldn't take me all night! I was laughing when I said it to take the sting off but like his old self, he only sees the bad in everything everyone does. He became furious (just like old times, eh?). His face transformed into the MONSTER face, sneering and angry at the same time and said that it usually takes me all night to say anything and he needed to go to bed, he had to get up for work the next morning and could I hurry it up!
He said his usual stuff about how he just couldn't ever figure out what I wanted from him. Oh, nothing much, I said, except respect, kindness and decency! And no lies, please! And a little affection that didn't ALWAYS have to lead to sex like in the past! He continued on to say I complained all the time though he couldn't say exactly what I complained about. He never can answer that one! He said that he thinks I imagine most of the things I say he does and he's not all that bad of a person. He said that I was a very unforgiving person and not like him at all as he's very forgiving! If he were me, he would have just gotten over it all by now.... Can you believe it? Yep, I can, too. Sigh.... some things and people never change....
Anyway, it' 1:23 AM and I'm gonna try to get some sleep. The pressure is off now. I knew it was coming.....
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Reply #1 07/15/08 9:12am
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Reply #2 07/15/08 9:43am
I am sincerely sorry that this was just another "honeymoon phase" for you. Rosie is right though. Seeing it through enlightened eyes is a very different experience isn't it. When we all start to see what they are doing to the point of being able to anticipate the very words coming out of their mouths we have reached a point of intolerance.
We have all done exactly what you did in this situation. We have all mistaken a honeymoon phase for true change. You are right, no matter how much we want it to be different - some people and some things never change. Yes it heartbreaking but the truth is still the truth no matter how ugly it is and no matter how much we don't want to see it. Don't think I am jumping on your head about this either because I did the exact same thing, that's why I can recognize it in you.
By the way, the one that is forgiving is you. You have forgiven and accepted and tried to change yourself and your ways and your thoughts all in attempt to make him happy. The one that can't get over it all is him. -
Reply #3 07/15/08 10:05am
Isn't it funny how we look so forward to the "good" times / stages with them and yet when we're in them, we're so nervous about when they finally crash? That's the story of my marriage - waiting on pins and needles to see if the same monster that we all dread, will make a daily appearance.
There must be a monster school or something that all these jerks attend - we should hunt it down and torch it!!! -
Reply #4 07/15/08 1:57pm
Thanks for your replies, ladies ... I'm so grateful for all of you!
Even though it's happened over and over with him, it's still AMAZING to me that a human being can practice such deception with others AND themselves - in SO many ways! Like I said in earlier posts, he actually does try to do better! But there is something very skewed in his thought process. He's very tolerant of his own bad behaviour and expects me to be, also. I mentioned this last night. Possibly his family had hateful screaming arguments full of the most hateful, hurtful things they could think of to say to one another and then they got up the next morning like it never happened. That's what he expects of me. He said last night that his father was a mean SOB but his mother just jumped his a** about it and then it was OVER, never to be mentioned again. I said yeah, right, that's why she divorced him, huh! He said I go on and on about things. I said I did that because he continues to lie and deny EVERYTHING or say I overreacted or am too sensitive. His apologies are general, not specific to anything he's ever done to me and I know he does this so as not to actually admit to anything. There's never any closure for me and we never reach an understanding or find a solution! I explained to him AGAIN last night that even if he didn't admit to any wrong doing, at least he could say something to the effect of "I know and understand that I've hurt you and I'm very sorry for that. I won't ever (insert bad behavior here) again." And then DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!!! How difficult is that?????
He said last night that he lied to me about some things because he knew I'd get upset if I knew. Duh! He lies to me about the things he KNOWS are wrong and shouldn't be doing in the first place! I told him this, saying if he felt the need to lie about it, then he knew it was wrong or a bad choice but did it anyway, which make it even worse!
Especially not admitting to his big 'crush' on the younger woman that led to my leaving him in the first place. Three years ago when I asked him about her and all the time he had been spending with her under the guise of business, he lied and denied. When I persisted, presenting facts, times, places and phone calls, he then said it was none of my business and he could f**k anybody he wanted to, I didn't control his life! Just because I owe you money doesn't mean you own me! I said "Wow, that made me feel lots better and reassured. I'll never mention it again!!" That's how that situation has remained for 3 years until it was brought up again last night - by him. He denied it all again, saying he didn't do any of the things I said he did, that I mistook a friendship for more than it was. I told him that everybody we knew saw it the same way I did and questioned his behavior and treatment of me. I used this as an example: One day a friend introduced me to a lady as R's girlfriend. She looked at us for a moment and then said, very firmly "Oh no, X is his girfriend! I know her! I've never seen you with him before."
So many others have it so much worse than I do so I feel guilty for complaining on here sometimes. I still get upset about things but not as much anymore, thank goodness. I hate that I kept trying to make it work. I just don't care like I used to. -
Reply #5 07/15/08 10:28pm
Hmmm...If it's bad for us it is bad for us. I think that is the key thing.
It isn't really relevant what he says or what "they" say or whether anyone is worse off. This is my "party" and I'll cry if I want to. And I cry because it hurts me. Me, me, me. -
Reply #6 07/17/08 10:25am
Are you waiting for a big specific apology from him? Something that admits his wrong-doing and lying? Don't hold your breath because you will never get it and he has already told you that. "Its none of your business and I can f**ck anybody I want to..." Right there. He feels entitled to act the way he does and what you think and how you feel is unimportant to him. And then you enabled it by dropping it for 3 years waiting for him to open his eyes and see what a bastard he is. He will never do it because he doesn't think he's wrong. No matter what anyone else thinks he feels his actions are justfied because there are no negative consequences and he is getting what he wants which is power and control. I am not jumping on your head about this either. The reason I recognize it in you is because I did the exact same thing in my abusive marriage.
Rosie is right, it's time for you to start centering your thinking on yourself and not so much on him. -
Reply #7 07/18/08 5:36am
Yes, the key is centering.
I have just got a freat book from Amazon.com about that - "Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow: 12 Simple Principles" by Karen Casey. Wow! Every paragraph has a quote I could put in one of my picture frames.
And she has got me having another look at whether I am codependent. -
Reply #8 07/18/08 12:56pm
Needed to update this post - the next day after his outburst, he apologized and is STILL trying to be good! He's being very considerate, laughing, teasing and NORMAL! I STILL DON'T TRUST HIM AND NEVER WILL AGAIN but my nerves are settling and I feel better.
No eye twitching, headaches or stomach aches!!! I'm grateful that I'm finally able to just go with the flow most of the time now. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't get my hopes up anymore but I'm gonna be happy about it while it lasts.
Rosie, I've made sure to tell him on several occasions that I've noticed the change in him and effort he's putting forth. He just sort of grunts and smiles. What on earth is going on in that weird brain of his???? -
Reply #9 07/19/08 9:56am
I don't know that we can ever know what they are thinking. But I reckon showing appreciation of what we like is a good move. It could backfire of course. It could get used against one later. But I like to act as normal as I can and I guess I give them the benefit of the doubt that some of them functions normally - could be wrong though. -
Reply #10 08/02/08 2:40am
Hello to all, I just joined this group, and when I seen the title of this discussion I instantly related as I too am married to two men, the one I fell in love with and the ugly one that is like the monster described here.
I found that awareness and being alert to my environment including the one where he is present, has had an enormous learning curve for me. Diversions no longer take my attention away from what games are being attempted by him, and I find myself feeling strongly grounded lately.
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This group aims to help people decide about leaving or staying in their abusive relationship. This support covers whatever is needed to help the person be ready and able to go or stay; to actually make that decision and be confident it is the right one. The decision is a personal one and nobody can tell anyone what to do. We can only be with another person and help them sort out their thinking and feelings so they hopefully will know what to do, some time if not straight away.
