Discussion Topic
Some more rounds of the kitchen
Posted on 07/09/08, 09:18 am
This evening my h asked if I'd had my pap smear. I had left the reminder buried in a heap of papers near the phone.
I said I hadn't and said I might not.
He said it saved people's lives.
I said I didn't care if I died. I said I had such an uncertain future i din't care if I died.
He said "Why are you worried? You are working now."
I said this wasn't enough: My finances weren't secure and I had no savings and property, etc., and I didn't know that he wanted to stay married to me.
He said "But you have been checking out divorce lawyers?'
I said that was because I needed to divorce him if I didn't have a commitment from him.
He said "You can't expect me to commit to you if you check out divorce lawyers behind my back". [He had found about it on a note I'd inadvertently mislaid in that pile near the phone.]
I said "I had to BECAUSE you won't commit. It is because of what YOU do."
He said "That is so two-faced of you".
I said I have to do it unless you commit as otherwise you will retire and get all the money."
He said "What do you mean?"
I said "You know what I mean."
He said "No I don't. You tell me."
I said "No. You are playing games with me. You know."
He said "If you don't tell me, you don't know."
I said "That is how children talk. I'm not going to talk anymore about this."
He said "Tell me."
I said "Ask R" [our sis in law, his brother's wife]
He said "what will she say?"
I said "Ask her."
He said "I can't ask her."
I said "Too bad then."
He said "She'd only say you are going to divorce me so I don't get all the money from the work savings, etc when I retire."
He knew.
A little while ago he asked if I was coming to bed early.
I suppose that is a game too.
I said I hadn't and said I might not.
He said it saved people's lives.
I said I didn't care if I died. I said I had such an uncertain future i din't care if I died.
He said "Why are you worried? You are working now."
I said this wasn't enough: My finances weren't secure and I had no savings and property, etc., and I didn't know that he wanted to stay married to me.
He said "But you have been checking out divorce lawyers?'
I said that was because I needed to divorce him if I didn't have a commitment from him.
He said "You can't expect me to commit to you if you check out divorce lawyers behind my back". [He had found about it on a note I'd inadvertently mislaid in that pile near the phone.]
I said "I had to BECAUSE you won't commit. It is because of what YOU do."
He said "That is so two-faced of you".
I said I have to do it unless you commit as otherwise you will retire and get all the money."
He said "What do you mean?"
I said "You know what I mean."
He said "No I don't. You tell me."
I said "No. You are playing games with me. You know."
He said "If you don't tell me, you don't know."
I said "That is how children talk. I'm not going to talk anymore about this."
He said "Tell me."
I said "Ask R" [our sis in law, his brother's wife]
He said "what will she say?"
I said "Ask her."
He said "I can't ask her."
I said "Too bad then."
He said "She'd only say you are going to divorce me so I don't get all the money from the work savings, etc when I retire."
He knew.
A little while ago he asked if I was coming to bed early.
I suppose that is a game too.
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Reply #1 07/09/08 11:18am
He got from Pap Smears to divorce lawyers in the space of a few minutes of conversation. Considering he's putting some very exact words into your sister in law's mouth, I suppose you can rest assured he has already asked her. And yes he already knew about the retirement money situation because he rather off handedly admitted it later at the end of the conversation. For as sad as this conversation is, we can't say it's unexpected. And in case you didn't notice, you never did get that commitment you very cleary and very specifically asked for. -
Reply #2 07/09/08 12:57pm
Rosie, my first thought when I read his response to your comment about not caring if you died or not was very telling.
He totally misses the whole reason for your depression and uncertain future! HE is the reason for ALL of your problems and won't ever admit it, EVER!
I know that R can behave horribly and say horrible things to me but your hubby has him beat by miles and miles! R, I believe, suffers from some sort of mental illness but when he's OK, he says constantly that he knows he's the problem, that it's not me nor has it ever been me or my fault. He says he's too proud to ask for help and he doesn't want to have to take medications even if that would have saved our relationship. I just told him that confirmed what I already knew. He loved himself more than he ever did me and I'm ok with that now, thank God. Glad really since so much damage has been done and there's NO going back.
Your hubby, on the other hand, has never accepted responsibility, has he? I wish you could get things sorted out so you could leave and never have to see him ever again! How PEACEFUL that sounds for you... He could inflict his poison onto someone else, not you. I really worry about you and want only the best for you. For you to be able to enjoy your life without having to deal with his lunacy day after day. He's NOT worth wanting to die over, though, Rosie.
My friend and I were playing a game one day, trying to think of an "appropriate" name to describe men like this, a very lowly name and we came up with SMEGMA - def: the secretion of a sebaceous gland; specifically : the cheesy sebaceous matter that collects between the glans penis and the foreskin or around the clitoris and labia minora. Is this not gross? This seemed to describe perfectly the 'disgust' we feel for men like him! We came up with this because we have horses and this is something we have to deal with on geldings and mares when bathing them. It's really gross and disgusting, makes your skin crawl to see or touch it out of necessity! EEEWWWWW!!
Have I grossed everyone out??? HeeHeeHee!!!
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Reply #3 07/09/08 7:41pm
Thanks Val and ImSoSadNow.
Lol, "smegma". Sounds like him. He does gross me out. Unfortunately I am also despairing.
He has never been caring. Years ago when I got told by the gynaecologist I was up to CIN 111 on my pap smear and that i had "cancer" (in the doctor's words), I was rather upset and told my h when he came home from work. It was his billiards night and it started early. He said only "I'm off to billiards now" and left. I wish I knew why I stayed.
My h never sees his part in anything. He doesn't seem to think in a cause and effect way unless he's working on the cars or house. He has always blamed me for not meeting his expectations, and just because he wants to, I guess. He has never said sorry. This used to confuse me. I used then to think, partly, enough to get confused, that I must have got it wrong. But I am seeing more and more now that he does act like a lunatic.
And I just thought that he is also snooping round and noticing/finding things and just slipping in the clues that he has. He left a note added to the lawyer note I left around. And the pap smear comment came out of the blue.
And, yes, Val, he has no intention of committing or even talking about it. He won't even admit it is an issue though I have told him I must act if this matter is unresolved. Maybe all he needs to know is what my plans are. He doesn't give a darn about me. -
Reply #4 07/10/08 12:25pm
I am so sorry but honey that is the truth. He cares about 1 person and 1 person only and that is him. And I am not jumping on your head about it because mine was the same way and I stayed for what now seems no apparent good reason.
I always thought I got it wrong also. He would tell me what he wanted and how he wanted it done, I would do it exactly like I was told, and then he would get angry because it was somehow wrong. Either I didn't understand what he wanted or I did it wrong or any one of a million reasons really. I had not met his expectations and he was angry about it and it was all my fault. What I took from that was a new target. I always had another goal to reach. Sick as that sounds he always managed to tell me just what I did wrong and then I had something new to do. Thinking that it was my fault somehow meant that I could correct what I did wrong and then he would be happy. Of course that was never going to happen because his expectations were constantly moving targets. I was never going to hit it because he never really wanted me to. The chaos this created was actually his ultimate goal. -
Reply #5 07/10/08 9:57pm
Thanks Val. I'll be mulling over that "chaos" causing. It may explain so much.
Take the latest breaking news or "rounds of the kitchen", which just happened:
A new book just came.
H made his usual complaing noise that he makes when I get a book.
I said nothing.
A little later he saiD, "If it isn't a rude question, what would I do with all you books if you died?"
I said "Contact a second hand book dealer and get a quote."
H: But they have highlighting
Me: They are still good books.
H: What do I do again?
Me: I'm not continuing this conversation.
H: (acting surprised) Why?
Me: Enough
Him: But why? I just want to know.
Me: No.
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Reply #6 07/11/08 10:39am
If it isn't a rude question? What the hell kind of thing is that to say to your wife? And he has to the nerve to act shocked when you call a halt to this conversation. Screw him. I am sorry but I swear to all the Gods Rosie, this man knows exactly what he is doing and he's not even trying to be sly about it any longer and couch his abusiveness in thin veneer of civility.
Sorry, I do not mean to be pushy about it, I swear I don't. But honey this is so far over any boundry its ridiculous. He is thinking past a point of you 2 staying married and he is using your hypothetical passing as being that stopping point. -
Reply #7 07/12/08 9:19am
It's ok, be pushy.
What do you think he is doing?
I wish I knew why this sort of thing gets to me?
Tonight my 20 yr old dropped in to look at the puppies again (her dog is the dad). She suggested to me I get a separation under the one roof from my h. I have a little money now so maybe I could see a solicitor soon. -
Reply #8 07/15/08 1:56pm
He is already thinking past your relationship being over. He is planning. Not only that he sees himself and still being in possession of your possessions. He is trying to get to the point of being divorced with as many assets in tact as he possibly can. The best scenerio for him is one in which he doesn't have to fight for anything, hence his conversation about your passing.
I have never heard of a seperation under one roof, must be an Aussie thing. If that is an option for you - go for it. -
Reply #9 07/15/08 10:38pm
Thanks for sharing your perceptions with me queenval. Yes, I guess that is where he is coming from. Plus he doesn't care if his saying whatever he does causes me pain, etc.
I'm finally checking out that legal separation on the internet today. I hope my "Tools" delete option wipes the traces of my searches. My guts are suddenly spasming all over the place.
It is amazing what Google searches throw up. -
Reply #10 07/16/08 12:12pm
Rosie, honey, I know I am throwing out what sounds like simplistic answers here, but its true. Chin up and soldier on. We are all here for you, you are in my nightly prayers, I am sending love and protections from here. You are stronger than you know, you've just been beaten down by an abuser to doubt every thought in your head. It's time to start thinking thoughts he is unaware of and then start taking actions that he is not the turning point of and making decisions that he knows nothing about.
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