Ok.....I think is a very individual question but I will answer as honestly as I think I can...even though I am not fully aware of your particular story.
I think that a lot would depend on how long the abuse has gone on for, if he previously promised to seek help or change before and slipped back.....and maybe how much he can believe in himself, or you believe in him. If he has made promises several times before and not kept them....I hate to say it...but there is NO hope of him changing.
People can only change if they really want to and they want to for themselves, no-one else. Alcoholism is a life long disease, even if he never drinks again.
Only you can know what has happened previously, I wouldnt want to say, once an abuser ALWAYS an abuser, but repeating patterns are definitely a major problem with abuse and slipping back could be all too easy.
I would ask you to be very cautious, you need to consider yourself here and how YOU feel but also supportive, at least in the interim, until you see what happens.
I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do and please keep us informed of your progress. xx
Discussion Topic
Is it possible??
Posted on 07/15/08, 09:02 am
So...I took him back. But things seem different. He's getting help for his mental health problems and has been clean and sober for 5 months. He is calmer and not as quick to blow. We're going to start therapy next week. Can they change?
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Reply #1 07/15/08 10:27am
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Reply #2 07/15/08 10:32am
Are you getting any therapy on your own without him? This will be essential to your health and well being. Let him work on his own issues - you need to work on yours and you need to do it without him in the room. This therapy needs to be yours and yours alone just like his does. Couples therapy rarely, if ever, works in abusive relationships because the victim (that's you) never truly feels comfortable bringing up issues or incidents that are indicative of abusive behavior on their partner's part. Sometimes the abuser even prohibits this because then they look bad in the therapist's eyes.
I wish I had better news for you but less than 2% of abusers ever truly change their ways and that is after years, and I mean that - YEARS, of personal therapy. During that time in therapy therapists say that an abuser has absolutely no business being in an intimate relationship with anyone at all.
Well done him for being clean and sober for 5 months. Is this something he is doing on his own like with a 12 step program or is he getting drug therapy from a physician to curb his addictions? If he is in a 12 step program, does he have a sponsor who is working with him or is he just going to meetings and therefore keeping you pacified because he is "trying"? If he has a sponsor - how frequently does he meet with that sponsor? What I am actually asking here is this - is he actually working his steps or is he going through the motions to keep you from leaving?
Can they change? I want to believe they can, I want to believe that all human beings are capable of change and growth. My problem is that I have never, not once, seen an abuser actually change and stop abusing. They sometimes can alter their behaviors to become less obvious, but they never fully stop abusing. -
Reply #3 07/15/08 12:47pm
NO -
Reply #4 07/15/08 1:06pm
Thanks for your responses. I am in therapy. He is in therapy. The kids are in therapy. And we do family therapy. The past abuse was rarely physical. It was mostly emotional and him controlloing every aspect of our life. He seems to truely want to change. He is recieving substance abuse treatment thru our mental health facility and a 12 step program with a sponser. He attends AA every day. -
Reply #5 07/15/08 1:48pm
I don't know. I want to believe they can. Mine went to anger management because I insisted. The physical-type abuse stopped, but there are many emotional ways of abusing. -
Reply #6 07/15/08 6:23pm
I am not proffessional for sure on this, but will go ahead and give you some feed back - from my experience, my second husband and I actually did do that for awhile. He did very well, walked away before said things, it was just alittle better and we worked on the rest. I dont know what happend after awhile, it slowly started again, the willingness seemed to have vanished. So I guess if this is going to work, for the both of you, Willingness- the key word to keep it strong and going. Take care and I hope it does work out --Big hugs to you -
Reply #7 07/15/08 7:28pm
I am glad to hear you are both getting therapy. I hope and pray that this works for you, this is a heavy load to haul, both mental health and sobriety issues, can make for an uphill climb. From where I have been It didn''t last my ex couldn't handle the pressure of one extreme or the other, mostly honesty. and drugs. Sorry to say.
But I wish you the very best and prayers your way. -
Reply #8 07/15/08 11:59pm
I don't think they ever change...of course I've never had one who wanted to change so I don't know. My first instinct is to say no but best of luck to you. You all seem to be on the right path. Hugs, Jen -
Reply #9 07/16/08 3:16pm
Thanks. I'm keeping wary. He seems to understand my feelings about this. He agrees that he doesn't want to live like that anymore. And if you know me, we have 3 special needs children that all need us to be right for their sake. Prayers and good hopes are definitely appreciated. -
Reply #10 07/20/08 8:53pm
There are people who change, some of them go onto greater things in life, like counselling others, or writing books, some live quiet healthy lives, slipping up now and then, but maintaining a balanced life on the whole.
I am of the Al Anon philosophy, to expect good things from everyone, but not be gullible, have boundaries, but still be a loving person doing our best, being more concerned about our own behavior first.
The thing for me is what am I doing with my life??? Am I living it as a human microscope putting everything he says and does under the microscope while not tending to my own foibles and personal responsibilities?
The best advice I ever got was from a mental health support group for people with diagnosed mental illnesses, and that was live YOUR life, not live your life through somebody else's behavioral problems.
In other words, I live my best life not as a victim reacting to the world around me, but as a survivor acting within healthy boundaries on a journey through life.
Don't let anyone steal your peace is my mantra.
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