Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice
Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:
He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
Discussion Topic
Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships
Posted on 03/28/08, 05:33 pmDomestic Violence and Abuse:
Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships
If you think your husband or boyfriend is abusive, or you suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, review the red flags of domestic violence and abuse listed in this article. Recognizing the warning signs and symptoms of spousal abuse is the first step to breaking free.
If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.
In This Article:
Domestic violence or abuse
Cycle of violence
Signs of an abusive relationship
Types of domestic violence and abuse
Domestic violence warning signs
Related links
EmailPrintDomestic violence and abuse
To read the full article check out this site:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/do...
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Reply #1 03/28/08 5:33pm
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Reply #2 03/28/08 5:34pm
Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners:
Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN
Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.
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Reply #3 03/28/08 7:05pm
Once an abuser has control look out, danger is just around the corner for all that is within his reach.
Yes an abuser, when someone comes to the house, they hear yelling he will always be the one to answer it. With "Oh that was a movie on tv" or something like that. Or he may turn the tables and say his wife was yelling at him, beating on him and maybe he should call the police on her. He will make it look like she is the abuser. The act all nice and trying to be helpful. "I wont let her scream no more at me, sorry you heard it etc".
When the abuser controls you, THEY OWN YOU. You have to do what they say,or else you will be harmed again and again. It may start out with just calling you names. Then maybe a slap once in awhile. IT bill just build up, until you have bones broken, teeth knocked out of your mouth, more black eyes then you can count, slapping, punching. Or it can cause your death with weapons, knives and guns, clubs, baseball bats,tree limbs, tables, lamps etc. Try to stay clean of any of these or anything else that could cause death to you, if you were hit with it.
I got plexie glass for my screen door windows. Why? I will tell you, if he is pushing and hitting and knocking you around, and pushes you near the door, regular glass can break and you get hurt badly. Where as plexie glass will just push out or break into a couple pieces. Also I just stated it PUSHES OUT easly. You may not be able to get out the door quick enough, but one push on the plexie glass with your foot your out the door to safty. I used that and it saved my life once.
If you have a very hard object that is long enough, to use to fend off your abuser hit them In THE KNEE CAPS they will go down and not get back up, giving you time to make your escape. ( i used this too works well).
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Reply #4 07/23/08 1:04pm
'BUMP'
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Ok so you have made the decision to leave. But how to make that last step towards becoming a survivor? This group was created to give you all the tools you need to leave a toxic relationship safely.Once you have left we will give you the tools you need to leave emotionally. Its ok to be scared. It is ok that you dont feel strong. YOU CAN DO THIS!You are not alone and WE will help you. Remember that most of us go back several times before we are able to leave permanently.
