RubyMcC

How do I leave without money or place to go?

Posted on 03/28/08, 05:28 pm

How does one finally leave a verbally abusive relationship when she has no money or place to go a children?
In: Abusive Relationships



Answer
Financial dependence is THE main reason why people (mostly women) stay in abusive relationships. The second most important reason is having common children with the abuser.



Read this:



http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/...



And these:



http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/...



http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/...





Answer
This is almost part of an abusive relationship.

It is common for an abuser to deny their spouse all access to money and debit or credit cards too.

The only answer I know is to go to a shelter, which is going to be hell, but at least it will be a hell with some hope in it.

I know people who have left home for a shelter without even a handbag (because they couldn't get all the kids out together unless they left it behind). Someone else who left home with 3 kids, the clothes they stood up in and a 2 year old car.

Be inventive, take what you can. Sabotage your washing machine and take bags of "laundry" to a safe place. Save whatever money you can for as long as you can.

TAKE THE FAMILY CAR...and don't be afraid to fill the trunk with essentials, clothes, linen, pans, small appliances...because pretty soon you are going to have to spend precious money on replacing these things if you don't.

And know for sure, when you are in that shelter, which are often miserable, overcrowded places, that THE ONLY WAY IS UP.


Answer
I have had to educate myself. You need a plan. I am close to leaving after 17 years of abuse. I started by opening a bank account of my own, getting a po box, and credit of my own. I also got a storage and have started packing up things and moving stuff when he isn't around. I have taken things that he wouldn't miss..like clothes, pictures..just small stuff. I also started selling stuff on ebay and opened a paypal account to stash money. I put some stuff in a community auction last weekend and stash 500 bucks. You can have a garage sale to make some money. I work and have a decent job and have a small payroll deduction made to my new bank account. Just be smart and safe in what ever you decide to do.

• Reply #1 03/28/08  7:26pm
  
  Flutterofwings
  I stashed money away, gave it to my trusted friend to keep. Instead of lets say, spending $200 on grocerys I spend $175 pocket the rest. If I thought he would check, I get recites from famil and friends, to look like I spent that much. After awhile you have a nice little stash of money for the emergency fund, I called it that.
  
  The woman who has records of abuse from her hubby, will get the car and home. But if he is carring on and on about these things. Let his butt have them You can replace them. My ex wouldn't settle, so we could get the dam divorce as he wanted the cars, truck and the house and money in the bank. after 10 months of this crap I told my attorney he could have it all. It was settled and we got divorced.
  
  But the judge wouldn't go for it. He only needed one car or truck, so the judge settled with me getting my choice of the newest car and half the money in the bank. My ex didn't like that, but it was court ordered and not ordered by my attorney the judge did it on his own.
  
  I left the house with stuff I wanted. In time friends and family helped me with dishes, linens, appliances. All was paid for nothing I owed on it and to top it off my ex had to finish paying for the car I got.
  
  Anything you can get your hands on, stash away. Keep it don't use it, if your planning to take out of there. Like Ruby said pack small stuff up that wont be noticed. Take it away when he is not home. If you can the day you plan on getting the heck out, get friends to come and help you pack the rest you want and moved away. (I did this it worked great).
  
  You get out the best way you can. If no car what ever means you can. My friend had three kids, loaded them up in the wagon (childs that is) put on them what she could, connected to her bike and the way she went, she never went back. She left with $200 in her pocket and found plenty of help.
  
  Shelters are very over crowded, but you have a place to be, food to eat and can take showers and be clean. THey provide clothing if needed and cribs for babies, diapers, bottles and formula etc. Most shelter places only let you stay 30 days, in which you have time to look for a job and other means to live by. If in this postion try to find a job close to where you live, so you can take the bus to work or walk.
  
  In shelters they can hook you up with, social services, and other services to help those who have escaped abusive relationships. Counslers come in and help too. You can usually get good help in a shelter. If the shelter nearest you is full, wont take anymore, then call the police tell them you had to leave, and why they can get you to a "SAFE HOUSE". (I went to one of these). While I was at the safe house, my sister and her hubby cleaned out there, basement and my kids and I spent 14 mos there. social services paid for the rent to be there, once I got a job they paid half the rent and I paid half the rent. When I got money saved I got my children and I a three bedroom trailer. I paid five years on it and it was mine. A dam good feeling when you finally on your own again, have your own place and don't have to be frighten any longer.
  
  It was hard for me to sleep at first, once I got out. I was so use to listening all night long, for him to start up and be fighting again. That it was just way to quiet, and I was not use to quiet. Took me a long time to learn to sleep in a quiet area. Now I can't stand noise.
  
  
• Reply #2 03/29/08  1:22pm
  
  queenvalerie
  The smartest way to leave is with a plan. Call your local DV shelter or hotline, they can help you think of things that you might not. Do not worry about how much trouble you will be in when he finds out. Screw him. He is why you are leaving in the first place. I am not saying steal from him, but do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your children if you have any.
  
  When I left it was in the middle of the night. My ex was passed out on the sofa, drunk, I was bruised and bloodied. I packed every stitch of my clothing, grabbed all the cash out of his wallet, took my purse and left. Now I left several things in the house that were family heirlooms to me, but to tell you the truth, I started thinking that the greatest family heirloom in that house was ME!
• Reply #3 03/29/08  9:09pm
  
  Flutterofwings
  I once waited for my hubby to fall to sleep, he had been drinking. He just got our income tax check which was large, he went to bar after work and squandered alot of it.
  When he fell to sleep, I crawled to the other side of the bed, I was just taking his wallet out of his pocket of his pants, when he had to go to the bathroom. I crawled under the bed(thank God I was skinny then)...waited till he got back into bed. When I heard him snoring, i crawled back out. I lifted his wallet took out like $200 bucks left hiim rest. I crawled back to my side of the room, got up and hid it, for my get away.
  
  Then I went back to bed like nothing happen. The next day I said to him HEY WHERE IS MONEY FOR ME FROM THE INCOME TAX CHECK. he open his wallet up. He looked scratched his head. He had like $600 left. I said I GET AT LEAST $400 FOR THIS HOUSE HOLD YOU KNOW!. He gave me the $400 so now I had $600 he didn't know about plus what I saved from groceries and stuff I got money from.
  
  He never once asked if I took any out of his wallet. I think he thought he spent that $200 I took, the night before and didn't say anything about it.
  
  Are we actually stealing money from them? Look what they have done to us, don't we deserve what money we are able to get from them?
• Reply #4 03/29/08  9:26pm
  
  queenvalerie
  There is no living way we were stealing from them. Think of it as payment for all the counseling we needed after we left them. Think of it as shelter and food that they couldn't be bothered to provide with an open and loving heart. Think of it any way you need to but the answer is hell no we were not stealing. Look at everything they took from us. The least they could do was cough up a little cash. And when you spread that amount out over the course of the years of abuse we took at their hands I think we got shortchanged!!!
• Reply #5 03/29/08  9:45pm
  
  Flutterofwings
  @queenvalerie, your right we really did get short changed, even if we did get the money from theire wallet. The owed a heck of alot more than that to us, for the abuse that went on and still goes on way after this happen.
• Reply #6 07/21/08  12:45am
  
  RubyMcC
  'bump'
• Reply #7 07/23/08  2:09am
  
  1960bella
  i wish i had changed the utitities to my name and put a password on the account so it could not be changed...........that is a expence that could have been easy to fix........gift cards are good for quick way to put a little money away,,,and easy to keep to your self......
• Reply #8 07/23/08  12:09pm
  
  queenvalerie
  Gift cards--great idea! I was stashing cash in an unused purse in the back of my closet. When I would get enough small bills saved up I would take it to the back and change it for larger bills.
• Reply #9 09/26/08  12:53am
  
  MDP
  Have to be careful with gift cards because some of them expire and I have heard of some gift cards charge a fee to keep the account open after a certain amount of time (this could decrease your savings). Be safe and make sure you know the terms of the gift card you are getting.
• Reply #10 09/26/08  12:53am
  
  MDP
  Have to be careful with gift cards because some of them expire and I have heard of some gift cards charge a fee to keep the account open after a certain amount of time (this could decrease your savings). Be safe and make sure you know the terms of the gift card you are getting.

Ok so you have made the decision to leave. But how to make that last step towards becoming a survivor? This group was created to give you all the tools you need to leave a toxic relationship safely.Once you have left we will give you the tools you need to leave emotionally. Its ok to be scared. It is ok that you dont feel strong. YOU CAN DO THIS!You are not alone and WE will help you. Remember that most of us go back several times before we are able to leave permanently.