kapatche

My Story

Posted on 05/10/08, 10:17 am

I am writing in search of others like me. Over a large span of time, many years of monthly pain leading to many years of surgical procedures for fibroid removals, scar tissue repair, IVF, Insemination, and finally a procedure that would ineffect make it impossible for me to ever have children. During this time my husband and I adopted two very beautiful and wonderful daughters, who I love with my whole heart and although my heart and head know that what I went through was the best for me medically, the guilt of never even experiencing the joy of ...
Over the last few months the heartache I have been feeling has intensified, which makes the guilt I feel when I hold my girls intensified. Don't get me wrong I love my girls and never once felt that they were anything less then MY daughters. But for now I feel like something is missing. And the hardest part of it all is that I can't talk to anyone in my family about this, they listen and offer sympathy but no one has gone through it and can truly understand. Even my husband's outlook on it is "things happen for a reason, and look at the beautiful girls we have now." He doesn't look at the loss, but the gain and the love which my girls shine all around them. I really don't know why these feeling I have are increasing, but if anyone can offer a ear, some wisdom or even just understanding. I would greatly appreicate it. I do know that the choice we make bring us to where we are today and there is nothing we can do to change the past. Right now I have to find a way to live with out the tears of regret

• Reply #1 05/10/08  2:23pm
  
  Diem
  I have no doubt that you love your two little girls with all of your heart. Reading your post I was reminded of something I heard once when I was still ttc. If you come to a point in your journey where you come to realize that it isn't going to happen, you do need to take some time and mourn that loss because you really are dealing with a loss. It's hard. Before I had my son I KNEW that if I was never able to carry a child myself I would be devistated. I knew that I would go on to adopt, but even with that I knew that a part of me would feel like I had missed out. I don't know if I have helped you out at all but I just want you to know I understand what you are feeling. {{Hugs}}
• Reply #2 05/10/08  3:53pm
  
  kapatche
  Thank you, I think you are right about the time...everything we did was done faster then we anticipated and there was never any time to think let alone let go.
  Thank you again
• Reply #3 05/11/08  9:37pm
  
  MaddieNMommy
  I too felt like I would never have children , and I feel I was selfish cause I had in my thoughts that if I couldn't have a child of my own I didn't want to have one . My husband wanted to look into adoption but i didn't want to hear it I wanted to adsopt but at that time I needed to come to grips with the words that my dr said "Nancy you will never have your own children , it's probably not going to happen for you " I needed time with myself to work through that and I did . I stopped thinking about getting pregnant and then I did have a mirical . But if things moved fast for you then you should step back and take a bit of time . No one would ever question the love you have for your daughters . I would suggest you speak to someone maybe your pastor or yout priest . It is someone who can listen and maybe say nothing and just listen or they may offer you something that only God can offer you . If there is anything I can do please let me know .

As women we have known the heartache of infertility and loss and we have grown stronger because of it. Now as mothers we will mother our children with a greater appreciation because of our struggles.