What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me? Okay...hmmmm...to me it means that there is no cure for this disease because it is a disease of the mind, a living and thinking disease.
Has my disease been active recently? In what way? My disease will always be active because of the fact that it is a disease of the mind. When I find myself slipping, into what I can only describe as psychotic behavior, I know this is my addiction manifesting itself.
What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe. When I'm obsessed with anything, anything at all, it is all I can think about, it is always there, and I use all my energy to stay focused on my obsession.
When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively? Many, many times, I have acted immediately, even knowing what the consequences would be, but not caring, because the urgency of acting immediately seemed more important to me, then the consequences, at the time. Almost as if I didn't care what happened to me. Other ways I behave compulsively are needlessly worrying about things I have no control over, putting myself down for no reason and trying, in vain, to multi-task when I should be focusing on one thing at a time. There are more compulsive behaviors in my life...smoking is a nasty one, for example.
Next question..................
How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the life of those around me? Ummm, why is this a hard one? Probably because of how much truth there is to this question and the denial I want to stay in where this question is concerned. The self-centered part of my disease wants me to believe that I'm only hurting myself, or, I'm hurting myself more than anyone else. Yes, it's true, I hurt myself, it's also true I've hurt the people around me. How much? I'm only beginning to understand that, and it hurts, but today I want to understand their pain, too, not just my own.
How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? This is a BIG one! Physically I've neglected my health, Mentally I gave up on myself, Spiritually I was dead. I'm grateful to be in recovery, I just have to add that...because today, little by little, I am changing in all of these aspects.
What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently? Well, I'd hve to say my addiction has been manifesting itself in boredom. That's kinda' embarrassing to admit, but I'm realizing where I've let my boredom lead me in the past. Boredom is a manifestation of my addiction.
Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually by this obsession? Like I said, I've been obsessed with boredom...I put off doing mundane chores and simple tasks to focus on what might be fun instead. Sometimes I feel like it's my husbands fault I'm bored, or my family doesn't like me enough to want to spend more time with me, or that I'm different from everyone else because they seem to find pleasure in things I consider boring. That wasn't easy to spew out...lol
And that is enough for this part of "Step One-Working the step-Part 1" Mike, I love doing this, NOT bored, grateful....thank you :) Plan on seeing me all over the place here! A hug, then I gotta' go do some boring things around the house! LOL@me
We've added new hugs! Send some love to your friends now! 
Discussion Topic
Step One-Working the step-Part 1
Posted on 06/20/08, 10:13 am
...Some questions you might want to consider in your working of Step One...
....taken from NA step work guides........
---What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
---Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
---What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
---When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
---How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the life of those around me?
---How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually?
---What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
---Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually by this obsession?
---Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
---Have I compulsively acted on an obsession,and then acted as if I had actually PLANNED to act that way? When were those times?
---How have I blamed other people for my behavior?
---How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
---Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got gamble free? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?
---Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it get out of hand?
---Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?
---What crisis bought me to recovery?
---What situation led me to formally work Step One?
---When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not?
---Over what, exactly, am I powerless?
---I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?
---What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?
How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example; Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered/ Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?
---Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?
---Have I tried to quit gambling and found hat I couldn't? Have I quit gambling on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?
---How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself and others?
---What does unmanageability mean to me?
---Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?
---What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction?
---What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?
---What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?
---Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
---Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
---Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
---Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
---Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
---Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.
---When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.
---Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
---Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
---Did I gamble or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?
....taken from NA step work guides........
---What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
---Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
---What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
---When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
---How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the life of those around me?
---How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually?
---What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
---Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually by this obsession?
---Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
---Have I compulsively acted on an obsession,and then acted as if I had actually PLANNED to act that way? When were those times?
---How have I blamed other people for my behavior?
---How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
---Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got gamble free? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?
---Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it get out of hand?
---Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?
---What crisis bought me to recovery?
---What situation led me to formally work Step One?
---When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not?
---Over what, exactly, am I powerless?
---I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?
---What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?
How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example; Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered/ Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?
---Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?
---Have I tried to quit gambling and found hat I couldn't? Have I quit gambling on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?
---How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself and others?
---What does unmanageability mean to me?
---Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?
---What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction?
---What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?
---What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?
---Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
---Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
---Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
---Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
---Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
---Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.
---When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.
---Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
---Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
---Did I gamble or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?
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Reply #1 06/26/08 10:12am
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Reply #2 07/01/08 10:39am
I'm back...
Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been? I'm not sure how plausible untrue reasons for my past behavior ever went over with others. They were lies if they were untrue. This is a weird question, for me. I'm trying to come up with examples. Well, I'd say I was shopping at the mall, or having lunch with a friend, to cover my tracks when I was gambling, Sometimes I'd come up with excuses I considered a bit more clever, only to realize it was best to stick with the boring lies. God, that sounds terrible now, today. And the mall & lunch with a friend actually sounds pretty good :)
Have I compulsively acted on an obsession,and then acted as if I had actually PLANNED to act that way? When were those times? These questions are getting more and more complicated...hmmmm...but I'm gonna' give them all a go! Okay...yes, I would tell myself over and over again that I would only gamble for X amt of time, with X amt of money, only to end up spending way more time & money than I told myself I would, then only to tell myself that's what I actually planned on doing, because I believed I could convince myself I was gambling like "normal" people. That was lying to myself. I did that over and over again, when I was gambling.
How have I blamed other people for my behavior? To me the question is why did I blame other people for my behavior? How I did it was in my mind, I'd tell myself it was my husbands fault I was bored because he didn't care enough about me to entertain me properly, my mother's fault I was anxious & suffered from feelings of guilt, my kids fault I was worried about them, my dad's fault I was an F up, like him! I had a million of them...all stupid excuses to justify my behavior.
How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's? Oh man, I did this nonstop! My dad was a junkie, my mom was a pill popping freak, my sister was too religious, oh yeah, and eat too much! People at work were workaholics! Women were shopaholics! Ummmmm....everyone was a hypocrite! I had REASONS for MY behavior, or so I thought! And I didn't feel like anyone understood how BAD my addictions were.
Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got gamble free? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better? Well, I'm pretty focused on my weight. Dang, I'm skinny! Yet, I'm worried about gaining weight. There's others... I'm an obsessive, compulsive personality,
I can overly worry about that, too. I've been smoking way too much...I want to quit. I've been bored, and focused on that, too much, too. Even here, on Daily Strength, I wonder if I'm spending too much time here. Yes, I'm plagued by the idea that I should know better on all the above.
Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand? No, I want more information. I fully understand there is no "cure".
Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think? Yes, I haven't been making any GA meetings. I'm afraid. I know this. I'm afraid of what others think of me at the meetings. I've embarrassed myself at several, before my mother passed away, tears and rambling I guess you could say. I come here though...I believe I still need f2f meetings and I'm trying to convince myself I do not.
What crisis bought me to recovery? Lies. Lies I told to myself and others were to the crisis point, in my mind. I needed to face reality or I was afraid I would die in an insane asylum. I thought I was crazy.
What situation led me to formally work Step One? GA meetings and a belief that working these steps could help me lead a more "normal" life.
When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not? I guess I would have to say when I realized my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, could see I gambled to the point where I was in a trance, and he seemed disgusted with me. I tried to correct this by not gambling around him, trying to maintain a take it, or leave it, attitude. I couldn't understand why he hated gambling so much...he didn't have a take it, or leave it attitude, he just thought it was a waste of time and money.
Over what, exactly, am I powerless? I'm powerless over changing others.
I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they? I lied and lied, to people I love, to protect myself from being caught in my addiction. To cover disgust with myself I'd say I didn't feel well. I complained about others because I was unhappy. I exaggerated the extent of helping others to appear to be kind and giving. I self medicated to cover pain I didn't want to deal with at the time. I beat up on myself day in and day out.
What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?
I stole money from my husband and my kids, that's #1. I lied to cover it up. I lied to borrow money from others to cover it up. I focused on the negative in my life where everything was concerned, I was full of self pity. I blamed others for my character defects, and wore them like badges of pity. I didn't like who I was.
How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example; Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered/ Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny? Yes, to all of the above. And yes mostly to "Passive to the point where I can't protect myself?". I deny myself any pleasure in life. I pushed myself to do things I would normally enjoy, and I'm sure it was obvious I wasn't happy. Manipulative? I thought I was pretty good at that, today I don't even want to be a little bit that. Whiny? I complained about my life incessantly.
Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How? Did I? Yes, of course I did. I had total financial responsibility of our money due to the fact I manipulated my spouse into believing I was better at balancing the budget than he was. This manipulation was gradual at first, it became full blown as my addiction grew stronger. I manipulated him into believing I was making his life easier, all he had to worry about was making the money.
Have I tried to quit gambling and found that I couldn't? Have I quit gambling on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?
I tried to convince myself many times that this would be the very last time I would gamble, like a final hurray! And I didn't last long, I even knew at the time I wouldn't last long. I knew I was lying to myself when I would tell myself I wasn't going to go out there and do it again. I was frustrated and hated myself.
How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself and others? I didn't take care of myself when I was gambling. I couldn't enjoy life. I focused on everything negative in life. I lied to myself and to others on a daily basis. This hurt them, probably more than I realized at the time,or even now.
What does unmanageability mean to me? Insanity. Chaos. Suicidal thoughts. Darkness.
Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been? I've never been arrested. I was sued by an ex-boyfriend for not paying back a loan...very embarrassing...sigh...it was awful, he paid for some Xmas gifts for my kids and an airplane ticket to go see my dad when my dad was dying. I gave back the expensive gifts he bought me believing it evened up the score. I wasn't even gambling then. And I've driven under the influence before, by the grace of God I didn't end up killing anyone.
And that's all I got for today!
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Reply #3 07/08/08 7:02pm
Thank you to everyone who has the courage to talk about their addiction. I am really stressed out as I really want to stop gambling. I don't know how to stop it. I have manipulated my parents, stolen from them, and I have had this disease since 2002 when I went and put 10 dollars on the craps table and walked away with a sizeable gain. Guilt. GUILT. I don't know how to deal with how I have wronged every single person that is real and important in my life. Which leads me to step one... This addiction is all in my head... So if it is all in my head can't I just say I won't do this. Believe me it is not that easy. Boy I wish I would have seen a warning sign or something to warn that gambling is highly addictive! We all know that drugs are. The dumb thing is that it is glamorized on television and people play poker more than anything in the world. 90% of all university/college students are addicted to gambling. How gross is that? Then they give you a pamphlet on how to reduce gambling. What if it is a problem! A true problem and when you go and get help they brush you off? What the hell... The mindset is that bah I will go and gamble again its no worries. I have never killed anyone or hurt anyone physically. But I am dead inside as a human. I have no emotion and I want that back. Its scary. I cried for the first time in 6 years on friday. I never showed any emotion. I just want to be mentally stable. I really do because this disease is killing me. I really need to feel safe and right now I don't. I feel like a helpless drug addict who needs his fix of cocaine or crack. I need people around me who understand my situation... I really do. I am glad I found this website. I would really like to protest against casinos. I really do feel like a souless person. I want my life. Any suggestions?
Cheers
Evan -
Reply #4 07/09/08 10:07am
---What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction?--- I worked in the Hotel/Casino industry, here in Las Vegas NV, for approximately 20 years. Currently I am unemployed, by choice, my husband's income is enough for us to survive on for now. Anyway, I'm getting off of the topic...stay in the moment! lol@me! Before my gambling addiction reared it's ugly head, working in the Casinos was no big deal to me. I fully understood the odds were in the houses favor and I found the whole idea of gambling a waste of time. I can't pin point the exact time that I became addicted to gambling, today I'm not worried about those questions, if the answers come, they do, if they don't, that's okay, too. But when I was working I was a computer operator, working behind the scenes. During my gambling addiction I changed towards everyone I was around, I didn't believe anyone realized something was very wrong with me, because I tried so hard to conceal my dirty addiction, but looking back I know they thought something was wrong with me. I changed. I had a difficult time concentrating on my job, I felt disgruntled about working in the same place I was losing so much. I faked smiles and concern for the people I worked with. I soon found myself really disliking other employees I use to care about. I felt ugly inside and out. I hated clocking in and I couldn't wait to clock out. I went off property, during my lunches, to gamble, which was a big no no, for that alone I could have been fired. I eventually quit my job after my 1st attempt at quiting gambling, it didn't seem like a very good idea to be working in the casino environment, not to mention I was getting written up for insubordination. Believe me, I couldn't except those write ups! Me? Insubordinate? Yeah, I was, my entire life was unmanageable. I did manage to get some gambling free time under my belt, that first time around. It was will power alone that I depended on, I know that now. I went back out there after approximately 3 years of abstinence for about another good 6 months. Those six months brought me down to my knees! I was willing to do whatever it took to stay away from that first bet, and now I'm here, in recovery, discovering a new way of life.
---What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?--- I confused my family. I was unhappy all of the time, trying to hide it, and not doing a very good job of it. I lied to my kids, my husband, my mom, my siblings, my friends...even to my little dog, about where I was and what I was doing. I told them I was having lunch with a friend, or at the mall, or at the park, or maybe that I was out in the yard and didn't hear the phone ringing...lies like that. I lied about money and how I was spending it. Groceries that cost $80.- would be inflated by double that. A pair of $30.- shoes would become $90.- shoes! I lied about how much I was contributing towards my mom's retirement, myself and my siblings all wanted to help her out financially, she was on a shoe string budget. I frantically made sure I got to the mail box before anyone else did. I threw away the bank statements so my husband couldn't see them. I pretended to be upset about other things to hide the pain I was causing myself because of my gambling addiction. I wanted to die.
---What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?--- What friends? I'm not trying to be funny, either. I have avoided having friends for so many years. I did have one, I still owe her $100.- she loaned me while I was hiding out with her gambling. I felt like she pushed the money on me, I lost it in no time at all. I convinced myself the friendship died because she wasn't a good influence on me, plus my family didn't like her. I know I'll have to try to find her to repay her the money I owe her.
---Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?--- I don't know that I "insist" on having things my own way, it's more like I try to manipulate others into believing my way is the best. I'm believe I'm sort of a passive/aggressive personality, using guilt as a way to get others to see things my way. This is a character defect I am currently working on. I don't want to control others any longer.
---Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?--- One day at a time I am learning to take responsibility for my own actions. Until now I thought I was responsible not only for my own actions, but for other peoples, too. Like mostly my families. In the throes of my addiction I actually thought I couldn't be held accountable for what I was doing to myself and my family, because I knew I couldn't stop. I was doing something I didn't want to be doing and I didn't know why. I tried to stop gambling on my own and could not. Today I know I need help and support from others. I'm so glad and grateful to have this understanding today. Carrying out my daily responsibilities is still somewhat of a roller coaster ride for me. I often feel myself becoming overwhelmed, sometimes over the smallest things. But I'm dealing with this responsibility roller coaster ride on a one day at a time basis now, and that is helping me to focus.
---Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?--- Sometimes I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan and sometimes I suffer from a slow burn before I crash as a result of things not going according to the plan. In the past I wanted every deal of everything to be perfect, I now know this is an unrealistic way of dealing with life. Shoot, sometimes a few muddled up details make for a perfect ending! I'm beginning to see the beauty in the imperfections in life.
One more...for today...
---Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?--- Yes, I did take challenges as insults before I found myself on this lovely path towards recovery. I use to welcome a challenge then feel insulted as a result of one being put in front of me. I suppose you could say I welcomed the easy, painless challenges in life and felt put out by the ones that required doing something I wasn't happy to be doing. I also thought I deserved so much credit for dealing with the unpleasant challenges in life, as if I was the only one who had ever faced them. Many times I avoided an unpleasant challenge due to a fear of failure, I've passed up many opportunities to learn something new, as a result.
And that's all for today. I love the challenge of really working my steps by answering some of these tough questions. Hey, I love, love, love reading others responses :) -
Reply #5 07/10/08 9:20am
---Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?---
I over-think so many things, creating a crisis where there is none. Then sometimes I react, to what I perceive as a crisis situation, by doing whatever comes to mind, at the moment. I can become emotional over situations other people seem to get that upset about.
---Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.--- Yes, up until a few days ago, I hadn't been to the doctor's in yrs. I was afraid to go, I told myself I didn't matter anyway. With my kids I took them to the doctors as needed. I didn't want them to feel that they didn't count.
---When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.--- I'm a big chicken, but when I was out there gambling I did find myself in almost empty bars, in the wee hours of the morning, wondering if I was safe around a few unsavory looking characters. I didn't eat correctly, I suppose that qualifies as putting myself in danger. I went to crappy loan places, in bad parts of town, to stay on the down low...not safe where money is involved. To me the "real danger" was what I was feeling like inside...empty, except for self-hatered.
---Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.--- My family, my loved ones...I harmed them. I should have been there for them and I wasn't, even if physically I was there. My mind was in some horrid fantasy land. I caused them to doubt me, with good reason. I know I hurt them.
---Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.--- No, not temper tantrums, not my thing. I put myself down instead. I tend to get quiet, and want to isolate, only joining in on conversations at a superficial level. If I can I'll sleep rather than feel what I happen to be running from at the time. Nightmares use to be welcomed, at least I was actually interacting with others, only myself, only in my mind. I also use to day dream, A LOT! Ya' know...what if this happened, what would I do...that kind of a thing. No, not temper tantrums, but I did end up feeling foolish and unhappy as a result of my negative behavior. Glad that was then, and this is now :)
---Did I gamble or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?--- Yes, I gambled to isolate, I gambled to punish myself, I gambled to escape, I gambled to feel the rush of fear before, during and after, I gambled to feed my addiction. I felt I couldn't stop, despite the fact I tried to talked myself out of it on a daily basis. The feelings I was trying to suppress or change were feeling of self-hatred, boredom, loneliness, and I'm sure many others I'm not aware of.
WOW...I DID IT! I ANSWERED EACH QUESTION! I KNOW I TOOK UP A LOT OF SPACE DOING THIS, BUT WE GOT SPACE...CYBER SPACE! LOL@ME
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Reply #6 07/13/08 1:09pm
Some questions you might want to consider in your working of Step One...
....taken from NA step work guides........
---What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me? It means me being sick to my stomach , broke and depresssed
---Has my disease been active recently? In what way? Yes I gambled yesterday
---What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe. I can not quit until I am completely broke I have no control
---When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively? Yes I do if I had thought about the consequences I would have done something different yesterday
---How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the life of those around me? It affects my family by having to live payday until payday yes not week to week after payday we are broke because of me
---How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Mentally I am a mess nervous and paranoid . Emotionally I am depressed . Spiritually when I gamble I do not think of God yet i do believe in him and I do worship him
---What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently? I think that by continuing I am going to get some money back
---Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually by this obsession? I am only interested in gambling I no longer want to have sex or do anything else for that matter. Gambling addiction has destroyed my life
---Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been? Yes that I go there because my husband wants to go
---Have I compulsively acted on an obsession,and then acted as if I had actually PLANNED to act that way? When were those times? All of the time
---How have I blamed other people for my behavior? Yes my family
---How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's? No I know that my addiction is at it's worst I do not bad mouth any one 's addiction
---Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got gamble free? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better? No I can not live in the past only go forward
---Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it get out of hand? Yes I have been on the internet researching this for a few years.
---Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think? No
---What crisis bought me to recovery? I have hit my bottom
---What situation led me to formally work Step One? I have always admitted to Step 1 but could never get past it today I have. I had to ask my son to borrow money to get me through the week so that I could go to work
---When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not? In 1999 yes I did try to correct it
---Over what, exactly, am I powerless? Gambling
---I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they? I ave cheated, stolen and lied
---What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values? Not paid any bills in a few years just the one's to get by rent , heat and electric, cable , car insurance and car payments and even them are all behind except for the rent
How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example; Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered/ Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny? I become a different person I do not want to talk to any one I need to concentrate on my slot machine and that is it
---Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How? yes I got my husband interested in gambling and I tried to get my son to go there also
---Have I tried to quit gambling and found hat I couldn't? Have I quit gambling on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like? Yes I have tried I did stay away for a while life was actually good then and I was happy
---How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself and others? Money wise
---What does unmanageability mean to me? My life right now is unmanageable that is why I had to go to Step 2 today
---Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been? I have a lot of lawyers letters that I need to take care of one at at time one day at a time
---What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction? I will do anything to make a sale even if it is fake
---What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction? They are all pissed at me for doing this especially with the economy the way it is now
---What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction? I have no friends I did not have time for them
---Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships? I always insist on having my own way I have no relationships except for my husband and son
---Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life? I accept full responsibility I did this to myself. I cannot carry out my daily responsibilities with out becoming over whelmed because I work for commission and if there are no sales there is no pay and I need to pay my rent and buy food
---Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life? I never plan ahead of time
---Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life? I never accepted any challenges
---Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life? Yes I do this is one of my excuses to go and gamble
---Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe. No not at this time I have been going to the Dr's finally
---When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe. No
---Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe. No
---Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe. No
---Did I gamble or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress? yes I was trying to stop the emotional abuse that my husband gives me
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A support/ discussion group for those seeking a solution to their gambling problem through working the 12 steps of recovery.
