markman2222

Insecure or Cautious?

Posted on 04/04/08, 10:52 am

I am almost 3 months now into a relationship with a lovely woman. She has a fairly yucky past, in my books.

Met her second husband online, while still married to her first. She tells the story that there was no funny business, and they were just "friends"... "purely platonic" the whole time, that her 1st hubby & her relationship died a natural death and was in no way influenced by meeting hubby #2 online, even though the time-line matches up. I believed her, but then every now & then she will bring up something in her marriages, etc, that doesn't ring true and "slips up" with her stories re: the time-line of hubby #2 vs. hubby #1. I will occassionally ask for clarification, as it will contradict something she told me some time earlier.

There are many things that just don't add up.. she says she loves me and wants only me and is not looking elsewhere..but I see an MSN list chock full of guys ... some legitimate friends, but some guys that she has dated maybe once or twice. She says she never chats with them.. so why are they there ? She has a history of intenet addiction.
She says she has deleted ones that were non-platonic. Mind you, she has also said that she has removed dating apps off of her Facbooke before and I will look a week later to see "Ooops" she missed some.

I will just wait and see what happens. I am not looking over her shoulder like a hawk.. but I have been down this road before ... would much rather get a heads up early on and cut my losses then find out down the road that she has a wandering eye.

Should I ask for full disclosure? I have nothing to hide... I personally feel that my worries while not copmpletely founded, are more than just suspicion.

I know.. I cannot control her, and trust is paramount in a relationship. I also see a mound of personal stories indicating "trust your gut" and "if I had only not been so gullable and trusted my gut feeling, a LOT of heartache would have been avoided"

Insecure, or cautious?

• Reply #1 04/05/08  2:28am
  
  DepressedWife
  I would say cautious. In my opinion, those people shouldn't be on her chat list if she's dated them and never chats with them. No sense in having something that makes your significant other uncomfortable, right? I fully agree with "trust your gut", I really do. Don't trust it and ignore it like I did. You can approach her in a calm and assertive (as opposed to aggressive) fashion. Good luck. Let me know what you decide to do. I'm here for you.
  
  Amy
• Reply #2 04/06/08  1:46pm
  
  nadiay
  NOt saying that this applies to you...but...I saw all of these things and ignored them. I thought if I didn't act too jealous he would appreciate it and that his everlasting msn list and 5000 friends on myspace and facebook were ok. Then I searched through his profile messages (not even the private ones) and say all these girls leaving messages like "thank you" and ":-)" and when I looked at what he posted on their profile was sickening to me. He was telling every single one of them how beautiful they were. We fought about it and it never stopped. Well, now he's emotionally cheated with a girl (in the flesh not online). And looking back all that it just screams RED FLAGS.
  -so I say to you...RED FLAGS! Get to the bottom of them before she walks away with your self esteem and trust.
• Reply #3 04/06/08  2:24pm
  
  markman2222
  Hi:
  
  Thanks for your advice and I am sorry you went through all of that.
  
  One of many sickening things is that the cheater will say things like "why don't you trust me? Without trust a relationship will not succeed" It makes the betrayal all that more painful because the cheater/liar tries to pin the mistrust on you. I think for someone to say that , especially to someone they have said they love.,over & over again, when it becomes obvious that they are lying.. . they must have a screw loose somewhere. Selfish, self-centered behaviour.
  
  I ignored many a red flag, not just those mentioned earlier. Today I came across more evidence that she has been emailing guys little "Happy Birthday" and "Happy Valentines Day" (on the very same day that we exchanged gift, cards & words of devotion) messages and her MSN is unchanged (aka, still loaded full of guys she has had romantic/sexual encounters with in the past) from when she told me she deleted a bunch of guys.
  
  She may sound minor, compared to what you dealt with, Naiday , but she appears to be a female version of your man, in training. I am not waiting around to be told more lies and that I am the one at fault here.
  
  She has certainly taken a good whack at my trust level, but my self-esteem is firmly intact still.
  
  I dumped her sorry butt today,. She'll find the note and my stuff gone when she gets home from work. Perhaps she'll figure it out then. Her loss.
  
  We all deserver better....
  
  
  
  
• Reply #4 04/10/08  1:48pm
  
  Nave
  DONT TRUST HER. IF SHE HAS A HISTORY OF INTERNET ADDICTION. SHE SHOULD BE OFF THE COMPUTER ALL TOGETHER OR AT LEAST OFF CHAT SITES, ONLY DOING RESEARCH WHEN NEEDED ETC.
• Reply #5 04/10/08  3:19pm
  
  dragonflydazd
  I agree it depends on her history but speaking for myself, I have not before nor since had a "history" of online so called affairs. It was one guy for 3 1/2 years and I wouldnt recommend it unless you get to see them upfront on a webcam and you feel they are totally honest. It didnt work for me and as much as I dont regret meeting him, I do regret many things associated with it. I also regret that it affected my personal relationship with my husband, which I am trying to personally put back together. As for my husband he had no idea and is happy and I am glad about that.
  Just my opinion. You should know her best and her past.
  always
  dragonfly
• Reply #6 04/10/08  11:46pm
  
  DepressedWife
  I fully agree with don't ignore the "red flags". I did and my STBX tried to make ME feel guilty for not trusting him. What a load of BS. It sucks and hurts to feel suspicious of the one you love, it really does. But you might feel worse if you ignore it like I did and then play the total fool.
• Reply #7 04/11/08  9:08am
  
  markman2222
  My g/f and I are still trying to make it work.. She has made MSN contacts deletion and shown me that she has done so, which I am satisfied with. (Only took 2 months)
  
  Unfortunately, I am also aware (she does not know this) that she has maintained email contact with one of these contacts that she has deleted. A purely innocent Happy Birthday email sent to one fellow, with no other personal attempts to keep contact mentioned.
  I am aware that she had a sexual encounter with this person back before we met, so am not judging her on that . I am , however worried that she has re-initiated contact with the happy birthday email last week, with him. This may be innocent, as I have sent happy birthday wishes to former friends, even lovers.. but I have no intention of following up with anything else .. and if asked, I would not lie about it, as she did to me.
  
  Monitoring her email is not where I want to be in this relationship. Trust is paramount in a relationship and if I cannot trust her then we are through.. She says "trust me" . "I am 100% loyal".. I question her #'s as being down around 80%.
  
  Problem is the slippery slope .. I have very ocassional email contact with former g/f's , but it is VERY rare.. I do not initiate it.. and it is all 100% above board.
  
  Dragonfly, I applaud your honesty and a desire to "come clean" and examine yourself and your behaviour. I am always a big fan of "turn the tables... how would I feel if my mate was engaging in this behaviour" and it always sets me straight.
• Reply #8 04/11/08  1:31pm
  
  dragonflydazd
  hey markman,
  
  i have given that question some thought. what would i do if it was my husband having this relationship online with another woman?
  here is the honest truth. at the time i was in the middle of my "relationship", that thought was a blessing to me if it had happened. or so i thought at the time. i also didnt know all i know now but that is irrelevant. point is i did think if it happened it was a way for both of us to amicably depart and end a 23yr marriage.
  after much thought and total surprise and disappointment in myself for having such thoughts, i asked myself that question again putting my own issues aside. my reaction would be the same as anyone else. the feeling of betrayal of trust, the hurt and all the questions that would go with that whole scenerio. i suppose that was somewhat of a turning point for me to re examine myself and look at the whole picture and all involved. not just two people. the point was also that i do love my husband and i really dont want to hurt anyone.
  i am an alcoholic but i am not blaming my actions on alcohol but when i look back i find it to be a contributing factor. it doesnt change things right or wrong and i am not using it as an excuse. it was just a contributing factor. i have been sober for 46 days, have a clearer head and have much sober time to look inside myself and the past 3 1/2 years. i have said this already a few times, that i do not regret meeting this person, he touched my life. i just regret some of my behaviour and i never intentionally wanted to deceive anyone. so as you said, i guess i turned the tables and looked from my mates point of view. one thing i will say is that throughout all of this, i was always very clear that i love my husband and that my kids would always come first. with a clearer mind i suppose that is what has happened.
  we never met face to face and i suppose that is a blessing in disguise. i am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and people meet for a reason and i will miss this person. my life has definately changed but it has made me look at my marriage and ways to make it better.
  anyone can judge me but none of it was intentional. i wasnt looking, it just happened and was as much of a surprise to me.
  anyway thanks for listening i am really not a bad person.
  always
  dragonfly

Support for people whose spouse / significant other had an emotional affair.