DepressedWife

My Story

Posted on 04/01/08, 02:08 am

My stbx-husband had an emotional affair with a mutual friend online. We live in Kentucky and she lives in Oregon. I found computer logs of a conversation they had. In it, he asked her when they would be able to sleep together, to hear her say "those three little words" and he asked her to meet him in a hotel room.

When confronted with these logs, he claimed they were fake and that someone was obviously trying to make him look bad. Mmmhmm.. Me being desperate, I convinced myself that he was telling the truth, though I knew in my heart he wasn't. When he finally admitted that the logs were real, he claimed that he only wanted to meet her in a hotel room to talk. This is when I got really angry.

Anyone else want to share their story? Feel free. I'm here for you!

• Reply #1 04/12/08  8:11pm
  
  LIED2
  Thank you for sharing your story. I can definitely relate.
  Let me share my story with you...
  
  My husband found an old "friend" on a local networking website. They exchanged a couple of friendly messages on line and I didn't mind until she gave him her phone number. He began calling her and they began communicating quite often. I noticed her number on our cell phone records frequently as incoming/outgoing calls and texts. He's had female friends and he's talked to me about them. This friend he keeps secret and never tells me about her. They contact each other several times throughout the day during the workweek. I asked him about this relationship he has with her one day and he told me that she is an old friend who needs someone to talk to because she and her husband are having marital problems. HELLO!! Warning signs! I live in Hawaii, we live in the same state but different islands. I've never had reason to suspect anything until I browsed through his cell phone one day and found some messages to/from her that he forgot to delete. It said, "Hi honey or Hi sweetie. I miss you." I shared my concern with my sister-in-law (who is his sister, my confidant and very reliable source) and she said this girl is an ex-girlfriend from high school (21 years ago). I confronted him with what I found and he claims that they are just friends. I explained to him how I felt and that I did not like the idea of him continuing the relationship with her. I thought it stopped there until the next month's cell phone bill came. The texting stopped and her phone number no longer appeared on the bill, but I noticed that he had an unusual number of "unavailable" calls listed. Someone was calling him just as much and as often, but blocking their phone number. He stopped calling all right. He now had her only calling him and blocking her number so it would not show on our phone bill! He tried to explain off the "unavailable" calls by saying it was his brother or one of his guy friends. Strange...their numbers were never blocked before.
  
  He tried to outsmart me by getting another cell phone (one of those pay-as-you-go types...no phone bill). I found out by accident when he called me from that phone one day when he forgot his "actual" phone at home. He told me he as calling from his friend's phone. Out of curiosity, I tried calling it a few days later. His voice mail greeting said, "I can't wait to get my hands all over you." It was obvious this greeting was intended for one person. I figured out the pin for his voice mail and found that it was HER this phone was for!! So I asked him about this phone and he got upset with me like I was the one that did something wrong. He said the greeting was him just playing around with her. He got the phone because I kept making an issue about him talking to her and he didn't want me to feel hurt. Hmmm...was he being considerate of my feelings or was he trying not to get caught, again?
  
  We were really close before this all happened. He still tells me he loves me very much and is still sexually attracted to me. Is it guilt or is it the physical fulfillment? He thinks he has done no wrong since he is not having sex with her. I still love him very much don't want something like this to tear us apart. It's the fact that I feel betrayed. If she's sharing her marital problems with him, is he doing the same with her? Does he compare me to her? Does he fantasize about being with her? What does he share with her that he hasn't shared with me? I've tried putting him in my shoes and asked him if he would think there's nothing wrong with me doing the same thing he's doing. He didn't like the vision of that at all.
  
  As far as I know, he still has the phone. He removed that hurtful voice mail greeting and changed his pin. I assume he still talks to her if it's still in service.
  
  Am I being paranoid? Are my actions justified?
  HELP!!! Advice anyone?
• Reply #2 04/18/08  2:46am
  
  DepressedWife
  I'm sorry that you're going through that. I know how you feel. My stbx husband also has a female coworker that he's been way too close to. This was one of the reasons we had so many fights. He and this girl would call and text one another a LOT, she would call or text all hours of the night, times that she KNEW we were having family time, and he was going outside to talk to her on the cell phone. I found inappropriate text messages between them. She was calling him "baby", saying she loved him and missed him and he sent her one that said "I love you, I love you, I love you..." over and over and gave me five different excuses about that one. She even bought him a new cell phone and I snooped in his old one. That's how I found the messages to begin with. It's SO wrong. He swears up and down, even now, that they never did anything other than hug a couple of times. I don't believe him. I don't think you're paranoid at all. He's given you every reason to not trust him. Trust your gut. I think you are totally, 100% justified! I'm here for you. ((((HUGS))))
• Reply #3 04/19/08  4:14pm
  
  kat416
  lied 2... trust your gut. It's wrong. There is NO reason in this world a spouse should hold any secret, let alone, a cell phone from the other. It's amazing how many affairs start with "playful" cell phone calls or text messages. Texting, about cost my husband a wife... no, cell phone (alone) did it. It makes me sick to know how easy it starts. I, myself, would be disgusted in myself kknowing I could/would be intimate with someone over the phone. They have whores that can do that... and get paid damn good money... Good luck lied2, old friends aren't (always) the ecxception to the rule..
• Reply #4 04/22/08  1:56am
  
  LIED2
  Thanks for the support guys...I really needed that.
• Reply #5 04/23/08  4:04pm
  
  denver5280
  I saw this and felt this group would be appropriate. I just recently figured out my H is having an emotional affair with my friend who lives 3 hours away from us. Their constant texting, phone calls while he's at work, him deleting his texts and telling me I'm really crazy for having such an "insane" imagination. I don't have any proof. I know they're not communicating on the computer. Shoot, it's been over a week since he's been on this computer. After two confrontations, he's still denying it and telling me I'm nuts. She's being more friendly with me and is saying that she understands why I'm feeling the way I am, and has apologized for not thinking about how she could be hurting me. They both are still saying it's all "innocent" remeniscing about their relationship that occured 10 years ago. I am getting a SIM card reader to pull the deleted messages off his phone. This will get me the proof I need for myself to close the door. I just can't walk away without knowing 100%. It sucks to see that there are men out there like this. Why are they like this? Why do they not stick to their vows? Is there something wrong with me? If I change how I do things, will I have his attention again? And this quoted paragraph is exactly what runs through my head! "We were really close before this all happened. He still tells me he loves me very much and is still sexually attracted to me. Is it guilt or is it the physical fulfillment? He thinks he has done no wrong since he is not having sex with her. I still love him very much don't want something like this to tear us apart. It's the fact that I feel betrayed. If she's sharing her marital problems with him, is he doing the same with her? Does he compare me to her? Does he fantasize about being with her? What does he share with her that he hasn't shared with me? I've tried putting him in my shoes and asked him if he would think there's nothing wrong with me doing the same thing he's doing. He didn't like the vision of that at all." I hope you are all doing well today, and I'm here for support too. Heck, I need a lot of it myself.
• Reply #6 04/30/08  7:11pm
  
  markman2222
  Hi Denver5280 and all :)
  
  I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.
  
  Mine is a similar situation, although not seemingly as bad as yours. My girlfriend has kept in infrequent contact with an old flame. I too was told that it was all in my imagination and that I was "paranoid and insecure" for worrying about this "friend".
  I got carried away with worrying over her MSN and Facebook account that this man is on. She told me a month ago that they haven't emailed or chatted since January or "early February".
  
  Seems my worries were misplaced with MSN (or were they?). She said to put my insecurities at rest, she would show me her email and that I would be proven wrong.
  
  Ooops.. seems she forgot to delete a "Happy Valentines Day" email SHE sent HIM. She said she "forgot" about sending him that, she says. The exchanges back & forth appeared harmless between the two of them, which put my mind at ease somewhat, but emails to this "friend" don't seem to make any mention of me, the new man in her life. "We aren't the kind of friends who talk about relationships" is her explanation. "I sent Happy Valentines to other "friends" as well.. My kids, etc."
  When I asked to see those emails, they were strangely unavailable. "I must have deleted them" Explanations? She's got a load of them. None of them make any sense, or "add up" or seem to be true, and they change every time the subject comes up.
  
  Things that make me go "hmmmm"
  - her work laptop that used to come home every night, because she "was responsible for it and didn't want to have it leave her sight" hasn't come home since the day she showed me her email, a month ago.
  
  - The cell phone bill that we have a shared plan on, has NEVER arrived in her mail, almost 3 months gone by. She said she can access it online (at work) and pays it that way, too. I say if I am to pay my share, (I always insist on paying my fair share) I'd like to actually see the bill, and the charges. She has never asked me for money for it (it's gotta be up to to $100 by now) and "keeps forgetting" to give me the info to look at it online for myself.
  
  - She is on MSN ALL day long at work. She says it is to communicate with her kids and me only.
  
  We do not live together, but have been together easily 80 days out of 90 in the last 3 months, and she would like me to move in. I say not until she is at least divorced.
  
  We are not causually dating. She INSISTS she loves me time & again and a desire to be my wife.
  
  I am not ready to check her cell phone for texts, etc, yet. I do love her, but am not too deep into this relationship to cut & run if things do not improve.
  
  These things may seem tame in relation to other stories I have read.. but I am thinking this is how things start ?
• Reply #7 05/28/08  12:00pm
  
  DepressedWife
  Sorry for the delay in responding here; Life has become nearly unbearable and I find it hard to breathe, much less come online on a regular basis. I'm really sorry that you're both going through this, I truly am. It hurts when your significant other you love and trust betrays you and makes you feel like a suspicious, not good enough person.
  
  My STBX-husband is now LIVING with his emotional affair (and her husband!!) which feels to me like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone or the Outer Limits. I keep looking around to see if I'm on Candid Camera. No such luck! He said that he got "really lonely" living by himself in his apartment and it was "driving him crazy" so he is staying with her and her husband part of the time and a male friend the rest of the time while trying to find someone to take over the lease on his place.....
  
  Please forgive my language here. He's also being quite a bast*** to me and neglectful toward our son. All of his time and attention goes to his emotional affair and his own selfish wants and desires. I'm very unhappy and ready to give up. I'm sorry that you're all going through a similar nightmare.
  
  Good luck to each of us! I pray that we make it through with our sanity and pride intact.
  
  (((((HUGS)))))))
• Reply #8 05/28/08  12:02pm
  
  DepressedWife
  I meant to add this to my last reply. He's living with his SECOND emotional affair, his female coworker / best friend / who knows what else this woman is. Not the one from Oregon, which was his FIRST emotional affair. I guess this is a pattern for him, eh? :(
• Reply #9 06/25/08  10:52am
  
  suziedisco
  My H also got in toutch with an x girlfriend on friends reunited to catch up ,all this was behind my back.
  I became suspiciouse the way he was acting You know skiping up the stairs being in dreamland (he dosen't waste time day dreaming),saying how great his life was,but not actually talking to me,and saying his head was clear after a long walk with dog alone and that he could now think streight.
  I didn't have a clue where to start i didn't know how a pc worked then,i found out how to look at his e-mails,i found a few,but nothing wrong in the content.
  I confronted him.he said it was an old school friend and that he had sent her 2 e-mails that was it.
  Why would she say "it's only me" in the subject on the e-mail, and end love ##### xxx why did he end with love d xxx.
  It took me 9 months of questions to get the truth (his truth),e-mails then msn then texting then they actually met, once he says.
  They were msn ing each other while i sat in the same room (i didn't know it existed i remember now him tapping away but didn't understand it all.texting too all in front of me.
  He says it went on for 3 months first thing in the morning until last thing at night ,even at work..They only ever talked about what they had done all these years 24 she was the last one before me, and what they were up to now,nothing inaproprate was said just general chat and catching up.He can't remember a single conversation they had,he said it wasn't important so can't remember,but he must have remembered to tell her if he went off suddenly,then it was because i had asked him what he was doing sometimes.
  My question to him is why did he lie for so long 9 whole months,about just talking about nothing,why did he risk our marriage,if he had nothing to hide,she lied too when i confronted her.she said nothing happened they only talked,but she said she didn't drink he told me he bought her a beer she said they never met ,he told me they went out once.
  I told him again last night ,it's nearly 2 years ago now that i will never believe him,and that there has got to be more to it than he told me,he says he will go to his grave knowing the fact that nothing happenred and that it meant nothing to him. He even regrettibly he says swore on his then 3 month old only grandsond life ,that he had never took her out,then admitted that he did, (he is a non believer).
  he says the text's went like this (for the record )
  "hello"
  !hello"
  "what you doing"
  "i'm on the pc,why what are you doing"
  "just out walking the dog"
  "ok speak later"
  "ok speak later"
  "bye"
  "bye" my question is WHY, WHY, WHAT IS THE F###### POINT why bother.the mind boggles,or do they think we are soooooooooooooooo stupid ?
  well thats my story folk's

Support for people whose spouse / significant other had an emotional affair.