Discussion Topic
What is an "emotional" affair?
Posted on 04/01/08, 02:01 am
An "emotional affair" is an affair excluding sexual intimacy but including emotional intimacy. It may be a type of chaste nonmonogamy, one without consummation. When the affair breaches a monogamous agreement with one or another spouse the term infidelity may be more apt. Infidelity tends to exclude one or both spouses of the affair's partners. Citing the absence of any sexual activity can neutralize the sense of extramarital wrongdoing by one or both partners of an emotional affair.
What is emotional cheating?
This type of affair is often characterized by:
Inappropriate emotional intimacy. The partner being unfaithful may spend inappropriate or excessive time with someone of the opposite or same gender (time not shared with the faithful partner). He or she may confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with their new partner than with their existing spouse. Any time that an individual invests more emotionally into a relationship with someone besides their partner the existing partnership may suffer.
Deception and secrecy. Those involved may not tell their partners about the amount of time they spend with each other. An individual involved in this type of affair may, for example, tell his or her spouse that they are doing other activities when they are really meeting with someone else. Or the unfaithful spouse may exclude any mention of the other person while discussing the day’s activities to conceal the rendezvous. Even if no physical intimacy occurs, the deception clearly shows that those involved believe they are doing something wrong that undermines the existing relationship. In other words, if there was really no harm in meeting with a friend, both parties would feel comfortable telling their partners the truth about where they are meeting and what they are discussing.
An emotional triangle. One that may only be known to the unfaithful, who then struggles to keep the other two from knowing of the impact of one upon the other. Denial will likely characterize the unfaithful person's response to an invitation by their spouse to reflect on the competing demands of the relationship with the other person.
Sexual and emotional chemistry. Emotional affairs may not always lead to physical intimacy, but some do. The time between the first meeting and a first kiss can often be very lengthy, but the time between the first kiss and sexual intercourse may be very short. In most of these affairs, however, an unspoken attraction exists. A partner may spend extra time getting ready before seeing this "friend" or may buy new clothing or change their appearance in order to seem attractive to them. They may obsess anticipating phone calls, emails or text messages.
Denial of the presence of sexual behavior, sexuality or even of an atom of limerence. "Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person. It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual."
Betrayal. There is an implicit betrayal of values, believed to have been shared, about the sanctity of a relationship based on love, of the idea of a soulmate and of being faithful to fundamental agreements underlying intimacy, that are perceived by the spouse not involved in the affair to be a core of their committed relationship and world view.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emoti...
What is emotional cheating?
This type of affair is often characterized by:
Inappropriate emotional intimacy. The partner being unfaithful may spend inappropriate or excessive time with someone of the opposite or same gender (time not shared with the faithful partner). He or she may confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with their new partner than with their existing spouse. Any time that an individual invests more emotionally into a relationship with someone besides their partner the existing partnership may suffer.
Deception and secrecy. Those involved may not tell their partners about the amount of time they spend with each other. An individual involved in this type of affair may, for example, tell his or her spouse that they are doing other activities when they are really meeting with someone else. Or the unfaithful spouse may exclude any mention of the other person while discussing the day’s activities to conceal the rendezvous. Even if no physical intimacy occurs, the deception clearly shows that those involved believe they are doing something wrong that undermines the existing relationship. In other words, if there was really no harm in meeting with a friend, both parties would feel comfortable telling their partners the truth about where they are meeting and what they are discussing.
An emotional triangle. One that may only be known to the unfaithful, who then struggles to keep the other two from knowing of the impact of one upon the other. Denial will likely characterize the unfaithful person's response to an invitation by their spouse to reflect on the competing demands of the relationship with the other person.
Sexual and emotional chemistry. Emotional affairs may not always lead to physical intimacy, but some do. The time between the first meeting and a first kiss can often be very lengthy, but the time between the first kiss and sexual intercourse may be very short. In most of these affairs, however, an unspoken attraction exists. A partner may spend extra time getting ready before seeing this "friend" or may buy new clothing or change their appearance in order to seem attractive to them. They may obsess anticipating phone calls, emails or text messages.
Denial of the presence of sexual behavior, sexuality or even of an atom of limerence. "Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person. It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual."
Betrayal. There is an implicit betrayal of values, believed to have been shared, about the sanctity of a relationship based on love, of the idea of a soulmate and of being faithful to fundamental agreements underlying intimacy, that are perceived by the spouse not involved in the affair to be a core of their committed relationship and world view.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emoti...
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Reply #1 04/01/08 11:28am
wow. this is me. i thought that perhaps i was the only person going through this and unfortunately i am on the other end of the rope here than you depressedwife. i am the offender. this is really difficult. -
Reply #2 04/04/08 11:15am
I believe my girlfriend is on the slippery slop described above. She assures me that said "friend" was never of a sexual nature, but I later discover that he sent her very explicit pictures of himself in an email around the same time that she & I met. She does not know I know this. It was before we became serious, so I initially dismissed my concerns, with no evidence they continue to email... but why is he still on her MSN list? If these pictures were unwelcome or meant nothing.. why does she still have them? She says she only speaks to me and her daughters on MSN, so why is it chocked(sp?) full of guys still? I know she doesn't go online at night. but she is online all day at work in an unmonitored fashion.
She repeatedly tells me that I have nothing to worry about and it is only me she wants. Nice to hear, but hard to comprehend.
Should I confront her with my knowledge. I do not want this relationship to end.. especially if my suspicions are unfounded.. but I am really starting to doubt her character, if I am right. -
Reply #3 04/05/08 2:32am
Welcome, both of you! I hope we can get to know one another and help in whatever ways we can.
dragon, you can give us the "offender" perspective, which is very welcomed. I'm sure you can give us some insight into these types of situations that we might not get otherwise. I'm glad you're here.
markman, going by what you said, I think you have reason to be suspicious. If someone was my "friend" and sent me explicit photos, he/she wouldn't be my friend any longer. That's going over a line when you're in a relationship. I hope you can sit down with her and discuss it in a calm manner. Trust your instincts, they're usually right. I'm hoping for the best for you. I really am.
Amy -
Reply #4 04/10/08 1:45pm
DRAGON,
I HAVE COME A LONG WAY IN MY SEARCH FOR THE MEANING OF MY HUSBAND'S AFFAIR. I UNDERSTAND THE SLIPPERY SLOPE, THE DENIAL AND THE "SHOCK" HE SAYS HE FELT WHEN IT COULD NOP LONGER BE DENIED. MY HUSBAND SLIPPED EVEN FURTHER INTO A SEXUAL AFFAIR...WITH THE OTHER.
MY QUESTION FOR YOU...OF COURSE I HAVE ASKED MY HUSBANMD AS WELL BUT NOT REALLY GOTTEN A GOOD ANSWER...WHAT DID YOU TELL YOURSELF ABOUT WHY YOU WERE KEEPING HER A SECRET? WHY LIE, AS THE ARTICLE SAYS, IF NOTHING TO HIDE? WASNT THAT YOUR FIRST CLUE? -
Reply #5 04/10/08 2:02pm
Hello all,
I kind of feel out numbered here but really want to explain what happened to me. It is kind of complicated but here goes.
First of all when I met this man I was not looking to meet anyone and I am married as well as he is. Thing is I really had no clue he was married until 2 years into our "relationship". He had lied to me but I had actually by then fallen in love with him. It was a very difficult thing and in fact he was actually keeping many secrets. Point is I didnt go seeking out a relationship. We met on line playing online games and it progressed as friends talking to more. At that point I was actually in to deep to turn back. For him it was different because he actually told his wife about me yet wanted me to wait until he could be here in person, to tell my husband. Today I am lucky it didn't get to that point because a lot of issues have risen that I could not deal with so just recently I told him I was leaving this "relationship" and that it is actually for the best that I do. For all involved.
As of this moment I have no idea what will happen now. He is somewhat or became somewhat possessive and verbally aggressive when i would say it was over. I suppose people can be whom ever they choose when online and not in person. For me, I find it easier to be honest, which is almost a hypocritical thing to say when I have had to keep this secret. I was upfront that I was happily married, that I was not looking for anyone. He just kept coming back and now that I look back, saying all the right things. I have been married for almost 23 years and it was very flattering.
It just happened. I know that sounds so cliche but it is the honest truth. It is something now that I have to live with and in one respect thank my lucky stars it didnt progress to something in person, only online. Distance had a lot to do with that.
I will tell you anything you want to know because in a lot of ways I feel like a victim, lied to and humiliated in the end by someone I actually fell in love with online. I suppose now I can look back at all the red flags, but it's too late now. Hell his kids even knew about me. Like i said a very long complicated story and as much as I don't regret meeting him, I do regret becoming that person who has secrets and is also married to a wonderful man. One I really don't want to hurt.
Anyway I am here if you want to ask me anything from this side of things or if you want to criticize me, I really can't be hurt any deeper.
Thanks for listening
dragonfly -
Reply #6 04/10/08 2:13pm
One more comment,
Nave, I was never asked by anyone if I was having an online affair. No one suspected and my husband is very happy. If he had suspected at all he would have made comments or asked me outright and this has been going on for 3 1/2 years.
Inside I felt guilty at times and my actual thoughts were that I am not sleeping with this person. I am not having an affair. No one asked me so I was not lying to them. Atleast this is how I felt
If you want to ask more I am here.
Thank you
dragonfly -
Reply #7 04/11/08 1:21am
Dragonfly
I did not ask either. We were not in the habit, I thought, of making new "best friends" and omitting that completely from conversation. Did your husband know you were in a game and had a best friend there? Or did you just not talk about it? You do know about lies of omission? right?
If your feelings for your husband had been replaced by feelings for another, that was not something you might be obligated to tell your husband? The marriage had changed, it must have...yet not letting your husband know this...was not lying?
I guess one can tell oneself that. As I said, I wasnt, after 12 years, in the habit of asking my husband if he was cheating. I did however ask what he did today and got answers regarding who he spoke to and what they talked about. Yet SHE never came up. Even though he was spending most of his time and emotional energy on her? Hmmmm -
Reply #8 04/11/08 9:15am
nave,
yes i know about lies of omission but my situation was not one where my intent was to deceive anyone regardless of where it ended up. i did not set out to look for an online relationship as i stated.
was i ever asked about him? no. did i offer any information about him? no. as far as everyone in my life in the flesh, no on knew of this relationship. yes they knew about people i spoke to online or played online games with. occasionally my husband would ask who i am talking to and i would tell him.
this is a long complicated drama, on i don't have to explain to anyone but i am here because yes on some levels i feel bad about it yet i do not regret meeting this person.
we did not have a sexual relationship and to be honest if we had been closer and could have met in the flesh i honestly believe it wouldn't have been physical because i am married and i think the guilt would be an issue for me. did he give me things at a point in my life i was missing? hell yes. he said all the right things to me and not only was it flattering it was and is something i don't have in my marriage. my husband i not a romantic person and never has been but he is a good loving man. it was just something at the time, i was missing. (and yes i would tell my husband i needed that it just isn't him)
i made a decision. i ended this relationship not only because i realized it would never amount to anything but also because i do love my husband and my kids and i never intended or wanted to deceive or hurt them. that is why i will not tell them about this. right or wrong. they are happy and i don't want to hurt them.
this relationship happened, it wasn't intentional, i wasn't looking, it just progressed and happened and before i realized i was in love with this man, or i think i was, and it became serious. 3 1/2 years is not a fling. at least i ended it before it could have hurt many people. i have to live with that. why rock the boat?
that is just my opinion. that is my situation.
my husband still had my emotional energy, my physical energy and time. like i said he is happy. i wont hurt him now.
always dragonfly
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