YESTERDAY WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST DAYS OF MY LIFE! I HAD AN APPOINTMENT WITH A PEDIATRICIAN AT MY PEDS CLINIC. ALL OF YOU WHO SAW HOW SICK I AM GETTING SAID I NEEDED TO TELL! I DIDN'T WANT TO BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID. I WAS AFRAID THAT NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME! I WAS AFRAID THAT PEOPLE WOULD RIDICULE ME FOR IT! OK SO HERE'S THE STORY... I WOKE UP THAT MORNING WITH A SEVERE PANIC ATTACK! I TALKED TO A FEW FRIENDS ONLINE AND IT CALMED ME DOWN. I GOT READY FOR THE APPT. GRANDMA WAS ON THE PHONE WITH MOM SO I STARTED HAVING ANOTHER PANIC ATTACK! ON THE CAR RIDE OVER, I WAS HIDING IT FROM GRANDMA BECAUSE SHE WAS DRIVING AND TALKING TO MOM! WE GET TO THE PEDS CLINIC AND SIGN IN. THEN WE WAIT. I GO IN ALL BY MYSELF, WELL NOT TOTALLY BY MYSELF... PUP WAS WITH ME! THE CNA CALLED MY NAME AND I WENT BACK THERE. SHE TOOK MY BLOOD PRESSURE AND MY WEIGHT AND MY HEIGHT. I WEIGH A LOT LESS THAN I HAVE BEEN THINKING. AND I'M 4 11 STILL! LOL WILL I EVER GROW? HAHAHA! I THEN WAITED FOR THE DOCTOR. I WAS NERVOUS! SO NERVOUS! SHE CAME IN AND ASKED ME HOW I WAS DOING. NOW I HAD TWO CHOICES. LIE THROUGH MY TEETH AND DO WHAT THE ED WANTED ME TO DO OR TAKE A STEP AND DEFY THAT BY TELLING! I TOLD HER THAT I'M OK OTHER THAN GRANDMA TOTALLY STRESSING ME OUT! SHE THEN ASKED ME ABOUT MY MOODS, LIKE HOW HAVE THEY BEEN. I TOLD HER THAT THEY HAVE BEEN ON THE NERVOUS SIDE OF JUMPY. I TOLD HER ABOUT ME BREAKING A WOODEN SPOON THAT'S A FAMILY AIRLOOM (SP?) AND THE PHONE I ALMOST BROKE. THEN SHE STARTED TO GO ON ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. I TOLD HER THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING I WANTED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT. SHE SAID WHAT? I SAID OH BOY WHY DID I OPEN MY MOUTH! SHE ASKED ME WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF. I TOLD HER THAT I DIDN'T WANT HER TELLING MY GRANDMA. THEN SHE ASKED ME IF IT WAS ABOUT SOMEONE HURTING ME OR ME HURTING ME. I TOLD HER TO DEFINE HURTING MYSELF. SHE SAID CUTTING. I SHOWED HER THAT ALL I HAVE ARE SCARS. THEN SHE SAID, WELL JUST TELL ME. I SPILLED! I TOLD HER ABOUT THE LONG STRUGGLE WITH ED THAT I'VE HAD AND THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! I TOLD HER WHY I WAS AFRAID TO TELL HER OR ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME! SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO TALK TO THE NURSE PRACTICIONER. SHE LEFT THE ROOM AND CAME BACK WITH THE NP. THE NP'S NAME IS JENNIFER KERSHAW. SHE WAS EXTREMELY NICE WHEN SHE CAME IN! SHE ASKED ME A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS ABOUT MY ED. SHE ASKED ME ABOUT MY PERIODS. I TOLD HER THAT I ONLY HAD IT FOR ONE DAY LAST MONTH. SHE SAID THAT THE FIRST PHYSICAL SIGN OF AN EATING DISORDER MOST TIMES IS A MISSED PERIOD OR A WEIRD ONE. SHE ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY OTHER SYMPTOMS. I TOLD HER THAT MY MUSCLES HURT ALL THE TIME. I TOLD HER THAT SOMETIMES IT'S EVEN DIFFICULT TO BREATHE BECAUSE IT HURTS SO EXCRUCIATINGLY! SHE SAID THAT THAT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE ANA. I TOLD HER ABOUT THE SHAMPOO THAT I SWALLOWED. SHE ASKED ME IF I WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFESTYLE. I SAID YES! SHE SAID THAT THERE'S A THERAPIST RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL WHO CAN TALK TO YOU. HIS NAME IS JEREMY. NOW I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT ON THE 27TH OF THIS MONTH TO SEE HIM. THEN I HAVE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT TO CHECK ON THE ED ON 9/8. SHE'S GOING TO MONITOR MY WEIGHT AND CHECK MY VITALS AND TEETH AGAIN. THIS TIME, SHE CHECKED MY TEETH AND GUMS AND THROAT. SHE ALSO CHECKED MY HEART AND LUNGS. SHE SAID THAT SINCE I'VE BEEN RAPED SINCE THE AGE OF 8, THAT I NEED TO HAVE A PAPSMEAR DONE! I AM SO SCARED ABOUT THAT! I'VE NEVER HAD ONE! SHE SAID THAT NEXT TIME DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE TIME, BUT WHENEVER I AM COMFORTABLE! I REALLY LIKE HER AND BEST OF ALL, SHE GAVE ME A HUG AT THE END! I HAD MY LOWEST CAL COUNT YESTERDAY AND I ATE THE LEAST IVE EVER EATEN AT HOME. NOW THAT THESE PANIC ATTACKS ARE COMING, I DON'T EVEN GET HUNGRY... WAIT... IS THAT THE ED? IDK! BUT I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF THAT I TOLD!