Diana66

What do i do ?

Posted on 07/07/08, 07:46 pm

I am anorexic and have been since i was 18 , i am 41 now . I started out puking and then straight starvation . When i do eat i have no control , I eat till bursting ! It makes me physically sick ! I will starve for 6 months and gorge for 1 . I want to be 100lbs. always , silly i know but it is what it is ! My lowest is 95lbs. two months ago . How do i start helping myself ? People say just eat but it is not that easy ! If i do i will be FAT AND UGLY and that can't happen ! So what do i do , leave and forget everything ? Maybe i like me as a am ! And then maybe i don't!!!

• Reply #1 07/08/08  12:35am
  
  snooter
  Hi Diana66, thanks for your reply to my 'midlife eating disorder' post. Your post sounds so much like the voice in MY head! I about 2 years ago I weighed about 188-120. I had weighed the same for most of my adult life. then after becoming depressed and unstable and having bad insomnia, I began to be obsessed with my weight. getting on the scale and seeing it read lower was a rush that was addicting and I began to want to go 'just a little further'. 100 became my 'magic number' too. I have been as low as 95 or 96. I am ok with 98 but anything over 100 feels unacceptable. There is a part of me that knows this is not right and not healthy but the urge to control is so strong it is hard to overcome. Sometimes I think that maybe I do not have a disorder. maybe I just like weighing 100. I don't feel like I want to keep going lower. This is ok for me, right here. Maybe it isn't great but it's not getting worse, so why should i stress over it. I don't know either. I wish I had some good answers. I get freaked out at the thought of gaining any more than 1 or 2 pounds. Is there a fine gray line between 'disorder' and just being a little freaky about weight. I've been told it is all about control. maybe if we feel more in control in other areas of our lives, the eating business will be easier. I should take my own advice...you know, your worth as a person is not dependent, not earned or lost according to what your scale says. You are a being of great worth to God. The Bible says He knew you before you were formed. He knows everything about you, what you will do before you do it. He created you 'fearfully and wonderfully made' as it says. No one else like you anywhere. These are the things I have to remind myself of. I don't always do the right thing but I know what the truth is. I have to have faith that He loves me still.
• Reply #2 07/08/08  12:46am
  
  snooter
  oops! Obviously I meant 118 and not 188! That's funny. sorry. Also, I never got around to answering the question 'what do I do?'. Well, you hang in there, girl. I don't know what's going to happen down the road about this thing and neither do you, but let's find out and hope for the best. In the last four years I have learned so much about myself and others and what makes people tick and just tons of stuff. some of it is hard. that's one reason we are here, to help each other through the hard stuff and share the good stuff, too. Hang in there.
  Linda
• Reply #3 07/08/08  10:03am
  
  Diana66
  Thanks Linda for writing to me and telling me how you feel!yes we sound alot alike both should be at 120-125lbs.i just didn't want you to go thru everything i have,if you can fix it now that would be so great!and you are right about control,i think my weight is the only control i have!Thanks again friend!!!If you would like to chat just add me!

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