hi. my name is Susan, i'm 13 years old. Our body name is Amy...she is 20 i think...

we've been depressed for the last several months as a system, but i've been depressed for as long as i can remember and nothing seems to help! I'm addicted to the numb feeling i get when I OD. So i OD a lot...even though i know i shouldn't, i do anyway. I'm not happy i do it, nor is anyone else for that matter...but i really don't know what positive things THAT WORK to do instead. Because of my depression and loving being numb i also am a Cutter. Lately, since most of the system has been in a depressive state (or whatever the docs call it) things have been a lot worse and OD'ing has become a more serious threat. When it's just me, i do it to numb, but when there's chaos in the group...the reasoning for OD'ing gets a little different. I get pushed to take a little more than normal, and things that'll kill me. I don't know why i give in. Or why they want it. I dont see how me dying would affect them any. Would it?

I want to say no to them...cuz i don't like what happens when i fail (which always happens...someone always saves me and then i get punished by Amy's family)....and lots of singletons get upset at us. and it's all my fault for giving in. I don't know why they want me to go away so bad...am i that bad of a person they want me to die? Or is it because i'm the only one with the "stupid" guts to do such a thing....

what would happen to then anyway, if i died. What would happen to them? I'm afraid to ask anyone here at home....like the therapist we go see. i dunno.

Susan.