Discussion Topic

This is my call to Dr. Laura....yesterday

Posted on 05/16/08, 11:21 pm

Me-
My husband just served me with divorce papers. In January he told me had been having an affair with my good friend, and his good buddies wife for 2 years. He loves her and wants to be with her. I have kids 21, 17 and 12. She has kids 23, 21, 10, and 8.

Dr. Laura
They are willing to hurt the children? Why are they able to break up the families? How do they explain that?

Me-
He said, I am not happy I have not been happy for a long time, I am doing this for ME, He is being selfish.

My question is what to do I tell the kids?

Dr. Laura â??
The TRUTH.
They are breaking up two families, see I am not from the school where you stand by and do pretend with the kids. it just confuses them that this is somehow all okay. I think the most important story here is that this is not okay.

If I were you I would sit down with your husband tonight and tell him if he and this woman are going to do this you are going to explain to the children in a non- hysterical and factual way the horrible things you are doing to destroy two families. That you are not happy is not a sufficient reason to destroy two families and I am going to make that clear to them because when they grow up they need to know that this is wrong. That is my adviceâ?¦ You donâ??t not have to take my advice.

Me- I will take your advice
End of callâ?¦.

She continuesâ?¦..
I think everybody should take this advice and inform their spouse that this is selfish behavior which is wrong. Vows are made and there are responsibilities to the spouse and the children. Unless there was violence and or addiction or horrible things going on that which is clearly destructive to the kids. That not being happy is something you work to turn around and not something to destroy a family for. So if she and your husband were to hear that this is going to happen they will have second thoughts.

Do not think for a moment that you are doing something wrong, it is your moral obligation to teach your children right from wrong even when it demonstrates a parent has done something wrong, the parent cannot be white washed and get away with that. That would be wrong and that doesnâ??t teach the children.

I really hope a lot of people heard the last call and my comments I really think it is important. A lot of people want to whitewash what they are doing.
I am having an affair, my way for me, I am leaving the family I am destroying the family for somebody else. Because I want to be happy the kids are going to be miserable they will cope. I am have to be happy I only have one life and I have to do it my way. For me kids should know that A that is your attitude and B. that it is a wrong attitude. To tell the custodial parent hey donâ??t make me look bad when I am going to destroy the family for my own selfish gain. Is absurd and ads a level that becomes evil because we are going to make wrong seem okay. Not only are the kids are going to loose something in their intact family they are now going to loose any sense of right and wrong and morality. Because they are going to be told as long as it makes you happy.

It makes me happy to do drugs at 12, it makes me happy to get on my knees and have oral sex with 6 guys because I will make me popular and that makes me happy. This is all the stuff our kids are doing. I had a young caller call me and tell me she had a friend with privileges( which means you just do a guy because she was bored) It had no meaning!

This is what we have done with our kids, when we as a society have decided that we need to whitewash wrong doing to make nobody feel bad. Because if you make somebody feel bad you are bad. That is why I get called mean. I am not mean I am not a mean person I get called mean because I say the truth. This is what you have done and it is wrong- that is mean to hold up a mirror. Its mean to say what is right and wrong. MEAN! A lot of people shut down when they are called mean or this or that , judgmental, hateful. Unfortunately, many of you will shut your mouths the minute one of those are thrown our direction. Tolerate the slings and arrows of nasty words because their intent is only to shut you down. And we donâ??t help our children when we donâ??t say the truth and support them in knowing what is right and wrong.

Showing 1 - 10 of 14 Replies

Reply #1 05/17/08 12:09am

1women

Thanks for this fig, I appreciate it..
Hugs
Reply #2 05/17/08 6:38am

scousejo

I just made my stbx read this and he was shocked and upset!!!!Reality is a bitch to face.thanks for sharing this it makes perspective of the enormity for the kids hit home
Reply #3 05/17/08 11:09am

lostmyromeo

My MM moved back home right before school started. He had to tell his teenagers about us himself so they wouldn't find out through friends at school. By having to tell them what he did, he had to do the right thing afterwards and show them that people make mistakes and he was willing to do whatever it took to fix it. He wants his kids to realize that he was selfish and that he was sorry for hurting them and their mother. He was not honorable having an affair but he is doing his best to repent and be honorable in the eyes of his kids by doing what is right. Kids are not unaware of affairs, they are in the media and the news and in movies. I should say-teenagers are aware. I do know that it is devestating when it is happening in your own home. We can't change the past but he can teach his children that when you make a mistake, the best thing to do is to learn from it and to not do it again. Unfortunetly affairs are all too common now a days. I believe that teenagers would benefit to learn about how they are not "deal breakers" and that some marriages can actually come out stronger once the truth is out and people heal and learn how it happened in the first place. I would want my teenagers to be aware of the signs of cheating so that they will recognize them if it happens to them in their future. I also want them to read (once they are in their 20's) books on affairs so they can see how damaging and devestating they are so that they themselves would think twice about being in a situation that may lead to an affair.
Reply #4 05/17/08 11:39am

ibex

My oldest son, just home from university, was in tears last night as we discussed the affair and what it has done to the family relationship with our friends. OM, wife and kids have been family friends for 15 years. My H said to me later 'do you see what you have done to everyone'? He said this in a moment of hurt and pain, but it is so true. The damage I have done has affected so many people. And I knew it. I wrote some poems during my affair and one was exactly about that...the hurt and damage I was causing and what right did I have to do that. So why, why, why did I do it. What kind of lack of self control do I possess?
Reply #5 05/17/08 11:59am

lostmyromeo

ibex..I can can only hope that we learned how powerful deception is. I think for the most part that all of us had strong morals and values and people of character. We don't say hey, who can I hurt and humiliate today? I believe that we all were weak or vulnerable and got wrapped up in things that we felt little to no control over. I've started calling it "My Moment of Madness", because it wasn't ME, the me I have always been prior and hope to become again. I'm climbing out of this hole and plan to learn how to avoid ever going to that place again. That hole was nothing but darkness, deception, and madness.
I do feel the need however to help the betrayed in any way I can. I can't help the betrayed in my situation-just staying out of their life I feel is the only way to help her. Unless of course she needs to talk to me again, then I am more than willing to help her in whatever she needs from me to heal. If she never forgives me, I can except that. I would never expect her to.
Reply #6 05/17/08 12:30pm

ibex

Yes, it is interesting how during the 'madness' we can really feel like the feelings are beyond our control, how we are totally controlled by this overwhelming love or desire, when in reality it is always our choice, our decision to continue the relationship or let the relationship develope. Lost, you are much, much less deceitful as you did not deceive the person you made vows to, the person who has shared your life. I can see how you believed that the OM's W was the 'bad' wife and how their marriage was really a sham. I even fell into the trap of seeing the worst of my friend (OM's W) thinking that she really didn't love him and didn't treat him very well. Hah, and he was the one who for years was pursuing me.
Reply #7 05/17/08 2:22pm

fignplum

IBEX and Romeo, Of course you have regrets, the important part is that you have made the decision not to do it again. People make mistakes but it is what you do afterwards.... That takes courage and I applaud you for that. I believe in forgiveness - When I do tell me kids I will also tell them that I forgive him. Not making what he did right but because I don't want to live as a angry bitter person. I am NOT telling them to hate their father... just that what he is doing is wrong.
Reply #8 05/18/08 1:45am

pixie0413

Thank you for sharing this. She's so right and I think it's the hard thing to do but also it's the truth. In this case, showing your children how you are strong and how you handle this will mean alot to them later.

I wonder how he became upset about this? He has to know what he's doing is wrong! Even in the very mist of "the fog" I was aware that my actions were wrong. ????

This is just so hard though. I'm glad I don't have children. I can't imagine having to face them and tell them what I did. It's hard enough facing my friends, my family, my S/O and his family. But I have no choice. It's the price of my mistake and in the end, it's worth dealing facing head on then running away.

Thank you for sharing!
Reply #9 07/22/08 3:15pm

Yorick

Ouch. Godd----t the truth hurts. Worse when it comes from a source I can't stand. But ... it's the truth. Thanks for sharing :-\
Reply #10 07/23/08 3:04am

tryin2geton

I really wanted to contact the OM just before I read this. I'm glad I didn't. What Dr. Laura says is so true...we cant blow up our families for selfishness. Thanks for the post....(slap)....I needed that!