Hopespring

RELATIONSHIP FAILURE

Posted on 06/13/08, 04:09 pm

I am in my early 40s, goodlooking, educated, a nice person and single. never been married, came close more than once but never quite made it. I long to meet a wonderful man, fall in love, and get married. I am depressed by the fact that the men that i meet tend to all be free-loaders, married guys looking for a "spare", or men who just want sex but no relationship. I own my own home and since I never had kids when I get home from work its just me and my television all night. Its not that I have to be alone, there are a number of guys I could call up who would be willing to warm my bed, but I want more than what they offer. I seriously wonder how much longer I can live like this. At times I am so strong and optimistic, but sometimes I feel so alone that I don't know if I want to go on...

• Reply #1 06/15/08  9:00pm
  
  Okiegirl
  I can identify with what you have to say. I married but have been divorced for 25 years. Almost remarried once but the guy had a bad drinking problem and I just couldn't see living with that.
  I believe that I am putting out something that attracts the kind of guys that I meet up with. I am strong and independent but attract mooches and free loaders like you said. I refuse to "settle" for less than the best. Even if it means being alone. I keep working on myself and believing that "Prince Charming" is realy out there and I will find him. Okiegirl
• Reply #2 06/16/08  8:03am
  
  Hopespring
  Like you I came very close to marrying a guy who was hiding a serious gambling problem from me. He is hooked, constantly in debt, and that's just the start of his money problems. I had been placed in a position where I was constantly "bailing him out" financially, and when I needed some assistance he was unable to assist me. It was sad though, because we got along so well in most other areas. I tried getting him to seek help for this problem, but he refused. Like you, I really don't thing it would have made sense to marry a man with this type of addiction.
  
  I choose to believe that I will have a happy future, I want to meet my Prince Charming, but sometimes, its just so hard to believe.
  
  I, refuse to be defeated by negative thoughts however, cause I feel much better when I think positively.
• Reply #3 06/21/08  10:50pm
  
  chazhung
  Hi Hopespring,
  
  There are a lot of relationship gurus that would have an answer for you I'm sure, but here is my response to you.
  
  What is a wonderful man to you? What are his traits? What does he talk like act like, etc. What does he like to do?
  
  It seems like you've met a lot of men, but not any of the kind that you want. Are you totally clear on what you want ? Is the issue meeting people, or filtering them out? Do you have women friends? Usually women friends are like "BS Seeking Missles" they generally can smell someone that isn't good for you a mile away.
  
  In any case my other pittance of advice is simply, you seem like a successful woman who has her act together. This will turn men off because then there is no need for them, you are probably better at managing your life then they are at managing theirs, so what can they offer you?
  
  
  Shameless Plug Start:
  http://dailystrength.org/groups/im...
  http://dailystrength.org/groups/bu...
  Shameless Plug End
  
  
• Reply #4 06/22/08  8:14am
  
  Hopespring
  Hi Chazhung,
  
  I never really thought about it. What do I consider to be a "wonderful man"? I really never took the time to define it. I suppose I would start with money: Because of the fact that I have had men who are not good at managing their finances, I suppose I would want my ideal man to have accomplished alot with his life and be financially independent, but he must not be a greedy, selfish type of man. It would be nice to finally meet a man who is willing to take care of me, I have met so many who want me to take care of them.
  
  We must share some goals and interests. He should be someone who is able and willing to travel with me, for example. I would like for us to see the world together. We must enjoy each others company and be able to do things together.
  
  It would be good to meet a man who is fun to be with, enjoys me as much as I enjoy him, likes to pamper me as much as I pamper him, totally includes me in his life, and is willing to settle down.
  
  He should have some good christian values, but he does not need to be religious. He should have at least one romantic bone in his body. Hmmm, that's all I can think of right now.
  
  I think my main issue is meeting people. I do meet men, but they generally tend to be in lower paying jobs than me. Now don't get me wrong, that never mattered to me before. I only started realizing that it might me a negative to have a man who does not work for a decent salary, when these men stopped acting as men and started trying to get me to pay their way for them. I would have no problem with a guy who worked for less than I do, if he managed his money well and actually had something to show for all his years of work.
  
  I may not be getting out enough, because I don't seem to meet any accomplished men. Perhaps I don't go to the right places or maybe I don't go out enough at all. Or perhaps you are right, my success may be scaring men away.
  
  I've actually considered lying to men about my accomplishments. Seriously, I thought it might be better to tell them that I am renting an apartment, instead of saying that I own a house. I thought it might be better to say that I am an elementary school teacher instead of saying that I am a university lecturer. What are your views on this? I don't like starting a relationship with lies, but maybe its the only way to protect myself from the "moochers".
  
• Reply #5 06/22/08  8:53am
  
  chazhung
  Hopespring, great reply, it gives me lots of information to work with!
  
  Part of the issue before was that you didn't know what you wanted exactly, so that when you met a person, you weren't evaluating them based on set criteria. To give you an example, lets say you want a car. If you just want a "good" car, then you could buy a Volvo, a Honda, etc. There are many "good" cars out there, almost anything will do. BUT if you want a car that makes you feel like a million bucks when you're in it, has great fuel efficiency, looks great, has great seats, etc. etc. etc. then the number of cars out there becomes maybe a handful. The funny thing is, until you've decided on what you want your mind won't be able to identify the right car for you because you haven't told it what you wanted. Does that make sense?
  One thing you didn't address is what do you want from him sexually? Most men are terrible lovers, what will you accept i the realm of sexual intimacy?
  
  The flip side of the coin is this man that you want, what kind of woman does he want? Are you that kind of woman? What kind of woman would you have to be to attract such a man? You have been primarily meeting boys, and what you need is a man, so don't settle for less!
  
  Since you know what kind of man you want, his qualities, etc. Where do such men spend their time? Country clubs? Volunteer at church? Go to meditation retreats etc? As you get more specific it will be easier for you to figure out what you need to do. Online is a fanatstic place to meet people, I have a friend who has written two books on it.
  
  I would NOT lie about your accomplishments. To some degree your accomplishments are keeping some guys away, but you aren't filtering out the moochers. Don't these mooching men have certain patterns, certain ways of being a moocher that you've been able to identify? You may want to just set up certain rules for beginning dates, if they don't pay for the two of you then just go Dutch (pay for yourself). I would imagine some moochers would leave pretty quickly. (You know more than me, so you have to make the judgment there)
  
  Just to sum up, you may not be able to identify a man that is worthy of YOU because you have either never thought of the criteria or because of your past experience can't seem to identify him, thats were friends come into it. A good man will go out and meet your friends, and they should know in a minute whether he is good for you, if not, then let me know =).
  
  Hope it helps!

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