Faithwalk1

Faithwalk pull freeathon (hour 1)

Posted on 05/21/08, 09:53 am

I never have done this before because I know myself and I know enough about pulling that I feel like I will never be at a point - at this point - where I can be pull free for a day. It's just too familiar, it's become a long standing habit, I have come to rely on it for other emotions that the original stress, and I get in the zone.

Then I recall that when I am on vacation or I change my scene - I can sometimes stop for days. Why is that? And before this, there was a time when I did not pull at all. And a period of a few years in high school and college when I stopped completely trough prayer and God's strength. But when the self doubt and feelings of self worth and direction kicked in - I began to pull again - almost not realizing it - because i was unhappy about some things. And I hadn't spoken with a trysted counselor who could help me find a new way to manage my feelings and work through them - I guess.

So because I see places and times when I do have the ability to stop, I have decided now is the time to try this. I have read alot about giving up trying to control emotions, relationships and making everything right with the world - and what other people think and say or will react to you. So I will do this by the hour. Weds 9:50am. I'l start now - knowing that before the day ends, I will pull.

That's why I never did this before. I thought I had to get to a certain place in my life and awareness. but time marches on. I've been on this site for I don't know how long - months - so might as well dive in.

Hour one. No matter what. I want beautiful hair - and everything that comes with it. Joy, peace of mind, ability to manage emotions better, awareness, reaching out to others, no looking inward but upward...

• Reply #1 05/21/08  11:45am
  
  crzychick
  Hey there Faith.
  
  I want to first say that you need to tell yourself that you CAN do it.!!!! Negative thoughts bring negative actions.
  
  At first you don't have to aim for a full day. Try 3 hours. Read the other PULL FREE's. Many of the others had to take baby steps to get up to a full day.
  
  As to the times you did stop. I feel it was because you were distracted by other things. Along those same lines Go find on this board the Topic "Stop Pulling Tips" Read thru and pick a few you think you would like to try and give them a chance.
  
  Just keep telling yourself that you are strong. Even if you pull a few in the beginning don't beat yourself up and go on a pulling binge. As long as you stop when you realize what you did that is progress. Each time you catch yourself and don't give in to pulling another that is more hairs you save.
  
  It's not an all or nothing approach. It's to get less and less a day at a time.
• Reply #2 05/21/08  2:46pm
  
  darbylucy
  I hear you, but, yes, you can do this.
  
  Fear is our biggest enemy in this fight against trich.
  
  And yes, it is sooooooo hard. But, it is possible.
  
  There is no magic bullet and it is a struggle and many of us will slip up and pull after long periods of success. But you can do it.
  
  You just took the first step. And pulling less is as much a success as not pulling at all is (especially in the begining).
  
  You have taken the first step and we are all here for you. Read through other peoples posts. I think you'll find that there is no difference between your own trich and others and seeing their sucess (and struggles) will give you confidence that you will be able to do it to. I always believed that my trich was special, was stronger that other people's who had quit. Reading others posts made me realize that wasnt true and that I was as capable as them to stop pulling.
  
  Good luck and welcome.
• Reply #3 05/21/08  8:09pm
  
  Faithwalk1
  Thanks for your comments and support. I like the idea that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. but then I think - How is that different from the past zillion years? Is that stopping? Or just trying to make myself feel better when the proof is that I still pull.
  
  CrazyChick - you're right. I have to believe I can do it. and I have to practice telling myself I am strong. And be okay with at least some progress...
  
  DarbyLucy - Thx. I was feeling like - we'll it does look like others can stop - but me - I know myself. I've been pulling for over twenty years. How can that be? Twenty?Or is it thirty? Yeah. And see how much of a hold this has had on me...And today was only 10 hours pull free. Because I was out and distracted and busy.
  
  So this is what happened to me today. (And I will read other posts as you suggested). But I was at my computer checking email and thinking at the same time how angry and upset I was that my Mom had an unfortunate experience at the optometrist yesterday - and now seemingly has this doctor-induced problem with her vision. And it made me upset, and I couldn't do anything about it. I wasn't there to help her out. which is why I feel a little guilty about moving far again - but I have lived away for years at a time. It's a struggle. And as I was thinking through all of this - I began to pull. And I think I would have continued to pull- more than I did - until I managed to feel better. I felt upset - and helpless - like there is this great upsetting situation happening and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it, change it or prevent it. And I really want to make things better for her. Maybe someone else has stumbled on pulling as a way to wave big banners that are impossible to hold. So I was upset, - am upset- and I guess that's one example of me not being aware enough to manage that properly. I still feel frustrated a little.
  
  I hope I can do this.
• Reply #4 05/21/08  8:18pm
  
  Faithwalk1
  And as I finished writing this. I realized something else. I was understanding that I really feel strongly about not being able to fix things, heal hurts, prevent future ones. So much so that it made me want to cry. I don't really even know why. Crying really won't change or fix anything, but I did it anyway.
• Reply #5 05/22/08  1:00am
  
  Blumoray
  Faith - Crying may not change anything, but it is an outlet for many things. I'm someone who absolutely detests crying, yet over the last few days I have cried so much there isn't enough make-up in the world to hide it. But, you know what, I needed that outlet. Even though I hate it, it gives me headaches, and yes sometimes makes me feel weak. But if I'm honest with myself, I know that when it was done, I felt a little bit better. Try and take a little bit of positive from it. Instead of crying you could have gone on a pulling spree to deal with that emotion. Be proud of every small victory, they don't all have to be big :) And always try to have the Faith in yourself that this is something that you can do.
  
  There will always be setbacks, but setbacks are not defeats. One of my girlfriends favorite sayings is if it didn't work this time, back up and punt. Just don't give up the hope. {{Hugs}}
• Reply #6 05/22/08  2:30am
  
  Faithwalk1
  Day 1 is now over. I did 10 hours. Then pulled for a good reason, then pulled for what seemed like no reason - down time - whatever. Day 2 begins tomorrow. I tend to stick with things - even the hypnotherapy tapes for up to four or five days - then lose interest or motivation That will be the real test. Monday the 26th. And beyond.
• Reply #7 05/22/08  10:09am
  
  Faithwalk1
  Day 2 and - one hour. I only was pull free for ONE hour. Because I started to work on something - that was feeling a little stressful and that I had no control over - bills. They manage to get paid - but I feel like I not only have no control over bills, but my direction in my life. I hardly noticed I pulled until I did it. Then I was so disappointed. Can I start again today? Does that count? It doesn't feel like it should. How is this, stopping?? I tell myself - yes, of course, start again.
• Reply #8 05/23/08  1:36pm
  
  crzychick
  Yes you can start over on the same day. A day = 24 hours. Not a calendar day. So say it's 4:30 in the afternoon and you decide that at that time I'm not going to pull then you time it from there. Like when you went 10 hours and pulled. You didn't have to wait till the next day to start over, you could have started over right then.
  
  Now after you get past day 2 don't worry about it being 4:30. Just go by Mon, Tues. etc.
  
  We just do hours in the beginning, those babysteps.
  
  ----------------------------------
  
  Crying is good. It's releasing everything that is pent up in you. Everything you are letting out when you pull.
  
  You said - ""And as I finished writing this. I realized something else. I was understanding that I really feel strongly about not being able to fix things, heal hurts, prevent future ones. So much so that it made me want to cry. I don't really even know why. Crying really won't change or fix anything, but I did it anyway.""
  
  You just figured out a trigger. You're a fixer and when you can't it stress's you. Now you need to work on why you feel you HAVE to fix everything. It's not your fault or your Mothers about her eyes. Even if you had been there the outcome would have been the same it was a doctor-induced problem. You couldn't have FIXED it.
  
  Was there something in your childhood that made you feel out of control. Something that happened that you felt that if you FIXED it everything would be fine again? If you work thru this you'll be better off and I think your urges will get better.
  
  ------------------
  
  I've pulled for 30 yrs, and like you I'd almost given up. This past Dec. 07 I finally found out what IT is and since then I've been fighting. It's not all willpower. If it was we all would have kicked this by now. We are not weak ppl. We are strong to have dealt with this and that embarrassment it causes and the internal battle we put ourselves thru. It's knowledge and for me stubbornness that is doing it now. I REFUSE to let this rule my life any longer!
  
  
• Reply #9 05/25/08  8:59pm
  
  knittinggra...
  This is not a sprint...it's a marathon. So you start with one hour...then it will be 2, then 3, then 1 day, 2 days, 3 days....we all have to start at the beginning, and don't let yourself get discouraged. Even one hour's success is still a success, and you need to applaud yourself. Catching yourself in the act and stopping before you pull out handfuls of hair is a success! It's a building block towards your total freedom. Keep it up!
• Reply #10 06/04/08  11:57am
  
  Faithwalk1
  15 days since I started my pull free hour. It sounds ridiculous - even to me. A pull free hour - that can even be accidental and not intentional. So I believe I am on here struggling maybe at least as much or more than most wit this. I feel complete powerless. Completely. Well - may be not. .01% that I can get the heck out of this. More like 7%. I have pulled so much for so long from my head that my hair is so thin it looks bald - almost. I am devastated that it has gotten to this point. It makes me feel even more immobilized. Does anyone else feel this way?Stuck or held by pulling? It makes me sad. It makes me angry. I WANT TO STOP PULLING. I want to feel better about myself and my choices, my circumstances, my ability to change. I want to start again, and again and again until I get it.
  
  Noon. Okay. I'll count hours.

You mean that there is a name for IT? Im not weird? Oh what a relief. This board is for people that are serious about learning all they can about Trichotillomania. Yep that big old long word that is the bane of our world. Trich is tricky. But with knowledge and support of others we CAN break free and live without this disorder interfering with our lives. So lets keep this uplifting and supportive and give each other the encouragement the other needs to make it to that next day.