Discussion Topic
Drunk Dad still hurts me
Posted on 07/02/08, 12:19 am
My dad was an abusive drunk my entire life. I have many vivid memories, & some I've blocked out. I'm currently married to a great guy, & we live 30-40 min. from him. Dad has been jailed, on house arrest, hospitalized, manditory AA, & much more do to his drinking. He hasn't hit me since I was 15, but he's still very good at hurting me emotionally.
We've had an on-off relationship since I was 10. When I was old enough, & brave enough, I told him that I didn't want to see or talk to him while he was drunk. This was my only request I've ever made of him my entire life! He respected my request for 2 yrs., & now he's dragging me back into his drinking drama.
To say I'm fed up or enraged with his behavior is an understatement!!
This is my problem: How do I have a relationship with my father when he's constantly choosing the alcohol over me?
I really need help before I end up cutting him completely out of my life.
We've had an on-off relationship since I was 10. When I was old enough, & brave enough, I told him that I didn't want to see or talk to him while he was drunk. This was my only request I've ever made of him my entire life! He respected my request for 2 yrs., & now he's dragging me back into his drinking drama.
To say I'm fed up or enraged with his behavior is an understatement!!
This is my problem: How do I have a relationship with my father when he's constantly choosing the alcohol over me?
I really need help before I end up cutting him completely out of my life.
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Reply #1 07/02/08 4:35am
Set up boundries for yourself and him. If you don't want to talk to him or be near him when he's drinking, then you have to tell him and then walk away. Make it clear how you feel. Make sure you hold up to everything you say. It's easy to forget or say "this one time won't matter" when it goes to your father. I've been there, too. You have to do what's best for you. Good Luck and Be Strong. -
Reply #2 07/02/08 11:47am
Hi Sweetheart! I copied this post for you. I hope it helps you.
Big HUGS, LisaACOA~XX~
DETACHMENT - AL-ANONPosted on 04/17/08, 03:13 am
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Seperating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not neccessarily require physical seperation. Detatchment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is devastating for most people to bear without help.
In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someones else's drinking. We are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.
Detatchment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
*Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
*Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery
*Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
*Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave to see fit
*Not to cover up another's mistakes or misdeeds
*Not to create a crisis
*Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve. We allow the alcoholics in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.
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Reply #3 07/02/08 4:19pm
In High School during a heated argument with my drunk father, I wished he'd drop dead of a heart of attack.. Well, it didn't happen. I wonder how different my life would have turned out should I have been graced with that request!! -
Reply #4 07/02/08 10:43pm
I goto a therapist, & she's helped me a ton with boundries. For some reason, boundries with my father has been hard for me. I actually didn't have anything to do with him for a couple years in my late teens. Now that I'm married & trying to start a family I feel this overwhelming urge to have a relationship with him. I know he'll never be the ideal dad, but for the last 2 yrs, he was the dad I'd always wanted (sober & caring). I found out more about his childhood & his current life in the last 9 mo. than I did my entire life! -
Reply #5 07/02/08 10:57pm
I have a fear of him dieing without me ever really knowing him...just knowing him on alcohol. I've asked him about AA, but he said he'd never do it again. And that he only went last time b/c it was court ordered. He said, "It's just a bunch of drunks blubbering, telling their same old story over & over, & some go on about God this & God that. And it was just a big waste of my time!"
I've tried everything including tough love (or being strong). He always goes straight into self-pitty & talks himself into trying suicide. My uncle's had to talk him out of it at least 10x. -
Reply #6 07/20/08 10:07pm
Al anon and Eckhart Tolle have similar perspectives all of which brought peace and well being into my life. I am an advocate of these and a consistent faith life which all are things I live by daily, sometimes moment by moment... -
Reply #7 08/04/08 10:46pm
I can't answer that, I chose not to have a relationship with my father, I had too. My dad all my life in childhood would never talk to us kids his daily routine was to have a few beers after work and read the newspaper and then go to bed and on friday's they would get extremely drunk (they meaning my mom and dad).
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