Keep a personal wellness journal on DailyStrength to track your health and communicate with friends. http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal Sun, 12 Oct 2008 04:21:36 +0100 DailyStrength RSS 0.11.3.0.6833 (FeedCreator 1.7.2) http://dailystrength.org/images/comprofiler/avatar/1959/1213247231.jpg http://dailystrength.org/people/1959 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1337211 This morning my estranged sister wrote me a hellish latter blaming me for everything my parents did in the construction of their will and my best friend took her side of the argument.  I am definately suicidal today and really want a heart attack.  Cannot stop pounding my chest to bring on... Sat, 11 Oct 2008 12:28:59 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1336955 Still pounding my chest to kill myself, do not want to be alive anymore.  Last night I ran the block twice to see if I could induce a heart attack.  Came close.  Sat, 11 Oct 2008 08:25:18 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1336589 Just sent an email to my sister.  The bitch You must understand thisFor the past 10 years I have been living in a financial hell. I have come down to a total savings at times of eleven cents.I have been and currently am suicidal. True.I am pounding my chest to bring on a heart attack and d... Fri, 10 Oct 2008 22:13:35 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1336494 giving up.  I just had a fight and ran outside of the mouse, running down the street, pounding my chest to bring on a heart attack.  If I can do this long enough, I will die. Fri, 10 Oct 2008 20:41:02 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1309267 The time on the computer as I write this says 3:41 am, and once again I am wide awake sooooo early in the morning, worried about future income. Not to much is in the pipeline right now and previous months I have at least had the comfort of knowing that future invoices were out there. Not now. One... Tue, 23 Sep 2008 03:42:21 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1291468 Seven years.I should be soooo negative in my posts, but today I have reason to be of cheer for I survivved.  In 2001 I was working for Aon Consulting, 101st floor of the South Tower.  1,500 stairs down, I know - walked 'em.  Helped a woman off on 78 floor (she took last elevator d... Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:40:55 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1275211 Over the weekend I came to the conclusion that my independent career is destroyed through a bad partner relationship.  Some of my journals touch on this point, but my partner is a real idiot savant and also has cut me out of some financial opportunities.  This is not good and this weekend ... Mon, 01 Sep 2008 16:34:40 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1272861 Whenever I get into a fight with my spouse, these days, all I do is pound my chest to try to bring on a heart attack.  This is probably same as cutting but I am so depressed now that I really want one so I can just die and be done with this life.  I have lost all trust in everybody and don... Sat, 30 Aug 2008 22:49:26 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1270608 Same holds true, and I am sending out resumes very rapidly these days.  Not a good time of year all.  Extremely depressed and because money remains so tight, my earlier posts about rebuilding a relationship with my sister (who received 90% of my parent's eate and kept all of it) can be... Fri, 29 Aug 2008 11:53:51 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1262559 Over the past few weeks, I have confronted some terrible truths about my technical associate in my independent career, essentially that he has wrecked two outside accounts in so far as income for me is concerned and is an idiot savant.  This weekend I had a major financial blow as an ebay sale ... Sun, 24 Aug 2008 20:35:58 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1243660 See my post in depression, my financial situation has turned horrid because of a partner who has screwed me out of income, my car cannot be taken care of properly.  I just spent 10 minutes screaming and pounding my chest to bring on a heart attack, which if it comes would be a blessing right no... Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:02:54 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1190947 This morning I went up to Monroe NY to work on a computer, stopped by a small deli for coffee and read the local paper.  Warwick NY - very sad.  A 10 week old kitten died at Warwick Animal Shelter, one of four, and the four kittens had been thrown out of a car by a bunch of sadistic mutant... Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:31:41 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1188705 if I could kill myself, I would Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:41:35 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1188323 I was just checking out profile here and the google adds that came up along side the screen, on the right side, were all about  sex offenders!!!!!!!!!!  If THAT is not something to be depressed about f'crissake.  Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:08:41 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1187946 Keeping a job hunt open, no responses today so bought a good lunch and am very much in the dumps Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:46:01 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1180099 Today I came to realize that my partner in my independent consulting activity is totally irresponsible.  Technically brilliant, but an idiot savant and I am $ 2,900 into an account for about 45 days now and coordinating an invoice is impossible.  I am more or less abandoning the relationsh... Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:07:27 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1178928 But woke up as I dread doing at 3:30 am, unable to sleep and worrying about everything.  I am also severely disappointed in many friendships too and promises that people, these days, never seem to keep.  I keep them - but everybody else can go to hell.  Literally. Thu, 10 Jul 2008 06:07:06 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1178141 Spouse overdrew her checking account and is livid.  I am convinced she is unbalanced, went from happy to dreadful within 30 min.  I do not have money coming in fast enough and continue to pound my chest dreadfully hard to kill myself.  Made the wrong career choice in going independent... Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:09:52 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1152478 Wish it was happier.  Checks come in and they go out.  Because of wedding anniversary, my spouse DEMANDED an expensive present that I cannot afford and money issues have escalated beyond my control and sanity.  I am a walking zombie.  Giving up on outside consulting almost certai... Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:46:20 +0100 http://dailystrength.org/people/1959/journal/1145608 Very stressed again.  Two checks came in and I deposited them only to have Chase lose them and they have yet to appear in my account.  We have some IRS payments to make and I wanted to have money to assist my wife in payments - we are 2 days overdue and since the checks are not in the acco... Tue, 24 Jun 2008 23:04:38 +0100