hiimamy's Journal

if i died right now no one would care....they say they do but its all lies i kno it is and ur proving who u really are.....DONT LIE TO ME! I FIND OUT THE TRUTH! DONT TELL ME U CARE! IT ONLY HURTS ME! DONT PROMISE ME THE WORLD AND TAKE IT AWAY! Y U WANNA KNO Y??????????????

BECAUSE I CANT HANDLE THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM DYING! GOOD BYE!

To: foster parents, case workers, judges, and adoptive parents…my view on the system. 

My name is Amy. I’m 15 and have been in foster care for 6 years. I want to talk with you about what it feels like to be adopted when you’re a minor that has already had about 30 mothers, when u can barely remember what your first mother smelled like, when some of the people who took care of u were called “foster parents” and that only meant they weren’t going to stick around long. Were somewhere along the road I lost a particular part of shoes that felt just right, and my absolutely most favorite teddy bear that keep me company  and protected me is now gone…. you see, kids like me don’t HAVE families of our own. Because there is something wrong with us or because there isn’t enough to go around or something and I probably won’t get another one either or if I do it will be too late for me to believe that they are going to love me and are going to stay with me.

 So I want to talk to you about these things, even though I’m not sure you’re REALLY interested. You could be the person that keeps doing this to me in the first place. (Please don’t get offended if I talk to all of u at once: case workers, foster parents, judges, and adopted parents). I just need to say how I feel about all of this. 

Some people say my mom never cared about me because she left me alone and “didn’t want me anymore” (although I don’t know how you know she didn’t want me). I guess that means that I’m just supposed to not miss her because if I did it would sure make me lots more cooperative with all the plans you keep making for me. Well can I just say she did the best they could and I’m not mad at her for anything. I am however, lonely and worried all the time about what you have planned for me next. 

The truth is I can’t do any of these things you want me too. I CANT forget about my past, even when my brain does, my scarred body wont (I don’t want to). I CANT stop myself from yearning the losses of my bio-family and moving from family to family, even though later I got quite good at playing games about it, seeing how long they last, which is never very long. I mean I wasn’t a cherished treasure in my family and my family wasn’t perfect but what were you thinking when you came and got me. Did you ask my step dad why he could handle me anymore?, or why my mom died?, why I ran away all the time? I know I was just a problem child in your eyes from day one, but I had needs then? Did you care?  

Or what about when you sent me to a foster home without telling them about the special needs I have (behavioral problems) and that I can never stay ANYWHERE long enough to get attached to ANYBODY! When you took me from those people who were so disappointed in me after a few weeks that they said I would have to be “dislocated” from their precious home. So you sent me to a family that had older foster kids who didn’t like younger ones because they were weak and little. I was beaten up and raped in secret and when that family got rid of me and the next and the next, did u think I was going to take it lying down? Did you think I was suppose to be sweet and adorable and ready to connect to another family who were just going to throw me away? COULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT???? 

After a while I had lost too many people that I MIGHT have cared about. I had been with too many “parents” who really weren’t because they couldn’t hold me tightly in their hearts at all. NONE of you GOT how I was being CHANGED by all of this, in my heart and in my behavior. I began to get some pretty bad ideas about how things work. And mostly those ideas said I was unworthy and I was never going to be able to have a family.

So I decided I wasn’t going to let ANYONE like me. Not even ME. And so now I won’t let you imagine EVEN FOR A MINUTE that I like you and need you desperately, or that I might ever grow to trust you. I am not a COMPLETE moron. Are you ready to have me not believe you? Are you ready for me to fight you for control? Are you ready to hold me…and then hold me some more when all the time I ACT like I don’t want you to at all? Are you ready to REALLY stay with me? Are you willing to feel as powerless as I do? What will you think when I DON’T care a BIT when you leave me with Aunt Harriet who I hardly know at all because you want to take YOUR kids to Hershey Park and I don’t deserve to go. Then, when you come back, are you ready to deal with me lashing out? You see it’s like this I’m NOT STUPID! I was not blind. I pay attention, because my life matters to me A LOT! 

So when my step dad knocked me around beat me and raped me and sometimes when my mom acted like I was invisible or that she didn’t want me I NOTICED! And when no one came to take their place I NOTICED! And when the first dozen foster/group homes didn’t last something started happening to me. A bit of spirit started to die. I started cutting and self abusing, I agree that it doesn’t make much sense that I would join in with all of those who have hurt me by hurting myself but I do it anyway.  I stopped caring about who I am safe with or not because aren’t I safe with anybody?  Does it matter anymore? I don’t think so… 

I have grown to hate the small, weak, and defenseless because the only thing I know how to do is be as tough as I can and show them how to be tough like me because one day they will learn the game of the system. I also do this to myself when I feel small or scared and I need to beat myself into toughness (I cut away the pain, to stay strong). And as little parts of my spirit keep dying IS it surprising you that I’m not exactly going to be overjoyed when you finally say you have a PERMANENT home for me? Do you honestly think I’m going to say, “Oh I get it, you were just kidding all those other times, but this time YOU REALLY MEAN IT”? And so you want to hear something funny? Just about the time I am ready to get what everybody thought that I needed (parents who are actually never going to leave me) I’m going to start testing and just get a little weird. I’m going to start cutting more than I did before, I’m going to go back to having nightmares and screaming at night, and do everything can to tell you that I DON’T WANT you to LOVE me.(I hate talking about permanence and adoption…these words are triggers to my past) and I’ll make you sorry you ever thought about trying to get close to ME. I will make you feel almost as helpless and small as I have usually felt. It’s just how I am. 

So are you wondering what I need? Are you wondering what I would do about this all if I had the power? First of all, it would help a lot if you would start with one simple, clear commandment to yourself: Never forget that I am watching. Never forget that every single thing you do matters IMMENSELY to me even when I work like crazy to make you think it doesn’t. And I WILL REMEMBER! You may be able to get away with treating me as if I am invisible for a while perhaps long enough to “relocate” me or move yourself to a different casework job. But in your hearts YOU KNOW: I was there, watching! I was having deep feelings about what was happening to me and I needed someone to act as if it mattered, HUGELY! 

Second, don’t image that I will ever stop yearning for my birth family, even if I can pretend otherwise. Help others kids find some way to keep a connection with their bio-parents if they are still alive, even if they never see them again (I wish I could). Maybe, bring out pictures, or have a “life book” for the kid.  And please hold me while I rage or sob or stare or all these things at once. Understand that my actions are not because of you. It’s just how I feel and I miss my birth parents. I told u, things/people matter to me and I will have feelings about things/people that matter to me. 

Third, it would help a lot if you would make the decisions that you need to make and stick with them. Some days I think my mind is going to explode because I know something is going on in my life but I cant tell what it is, later I’ll learn that there was a court hearing that day about a very important decision that had to do with me and my life and it was “continued”…which means that nothing is getting decided and I still don’t have a family. I don’t get to make the decisions. Judge, You do.  So have the courage to make them and not continue to postpone them. Please help me have a life I deserve.

 Fourth, System, it would mean a lot to me if you would take good care of my foster family. They have their hands full with me and sometimes they don’t know what to do with me. So make sure someone is there to answer their questions, to encourage them, to help them understand me better. You won’t like what will happen if I keep getting dislocated, and the only way I can think of to prevent that is to take EXTRA good care of the people that are taking CARE FOR ME. 

So have I told you anything you wanted to know? Have I help u understand how I feel? I know it is a burden for you to think that carefully about me and I know you might get a little nervous to realize that I am watching, and am affected by all that you do. But you won’t be sorry if you take me seriously. Someday, see, I will be an adult and when you least expect it I will thank you for everything you have done. 

This letter is for anyone that is a judge, case worker, foster parent, or adoptive parent. It’s how I feel about the system and my life in it. I’m sorry if I offended anyone in this letter. I had to write my feelings out. I hope this brings awareness to people that foster kids are not perfect, we learn to be tough and by the time we may reach your home we maybe already very damaged and will test you everyday, honestly, we only test to see if you really care, so show you do daily. And in saying “you” I mean everyone that walks into my life or the life or a foster kid. We need someone to DEEPLY care about us; we needed to be shown that they do, before our spirit is completely destroyed.  

Thank you for listening! I hope you take something out of this letter…please care for all the kids that walk in and out of your life. REMEMBER YOU can make a difference in a child’s life!!!THANKS! Amy J