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I had a really really bad day at work. I talk too much when stressed - depressed-worried- you get the picture - chatterbox. We joke about it at work. Does anyone know the ATMOSPHERE when they stop laughing with you and start laughing AT you? It gets pretty cruel. I mean, my GOD, its been 4 1/2 months since he died....get OVER IT. I feel like ripping my vocal chords out to accommodate. Not everyone is included... there are those with compassion. I am feeling really lost. Thank you for everyone who HUGS me here. I know you understand-sadly. I think everyone plays with the idea of just going away. I know there are those in my heart that care and I can't do that. But Jeremy is there. It's funny how I might have 15 pictures of Jeremy out of 500 on my computer, but when I walk through the room, there he is on my screensaver. I wonder if he is calling me. He sat on the foot of my bed the other night. I thought one of the cats had somehow got in our room and jumped up. I awoke and sat up expecting a cat - nothing but sensation of him there. I laid back down and knew it was wishful thinking. I'm supposed to go to Germany and then the Bahamas soon with my sister. I can't plan. Are there meteorites in the sky? Maybe one will find me. there is just too much. too much.
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July 7 was my daughter's 26th birthday. I called her as soon as she was awake to be the first to sing happy birthday. I sent her flowers and a card where she works and a card to her home. She had a really good day. Everyone at her place of work made a fuss with decorations and a cake. Her little girl who is two said she told mama happy birthday "all day long". She is precious just like her mommy. I called my baby boy and reminded him it was his little sister's birthday and told him to lie if she asked if I reminded him. It's the little things.
I broke down at work and had to call my husband to talk to - to help me through it. 3 weeks to the day is Jeremy's birthday. July 28 - the five month anniversary of his death. He would be 32. I'll try and do the right thing - celebrate his life. His birthday will only remind me of his deathday. I don't think his deathday will remind me of his birthday.
I'm still trying to reach the place where I can be supportive to others and give someone hope it gets quieter. It still hurts to breathe everyday.
I can't even think of what I wanted to write. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes and realized scatterbrained was all it was. I can't think. My head feels like it could explode sometimes with all its supposed to deal with. Jeremy is like pac-man in my head all the time - consuming all my thoughts. Silly, huh? Every thought begins and ends the same. Jeremy - blah, blah - Jeremy. I make a left turn and there's Jeremy. Look up-Jeremy. I miss him so much. I'm okay, though.
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I know what you mean. My mom died six months ago and I go through these times when I just can't think. Can' remember what I did an hour ago. And I am going to work Monday..........hope I come off as half way intelligent.....
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it hurts and hurts and hurts, and anyone that hasn't lost a child has no idea how much. He was sitting at the foot of your bed, he came to whisper good night, wipe your tears away, pressed a kiss to your cheek and remind you how much he loves you - next time he visits reach out, feel him and his love, it will mean the world to you. Love and prayers, Lynette ~ Matthews mom
lynette22
Oh, Sheila - how I ache for you! It's so hard to forgive people who are behaving that badly but we just have to remember that it is from their own ignorance. I don't think there IS any getting over our children. It's amazing, sometimes, that we can even BREATHE without them. It's the pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
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