This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life aft...
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9 Months, Legacies, and a Rant
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I’m coming up on the 9-month mark as a widow. I keep thinking that’s enough time to have a baby - to produce a new life - yet here I am feeling stuck. I’ve been hoping for hope, but haven’t found any yet. I’m overwhelmed by my responsibilities flying solo trying to make a new life not just for myself but for my two boys, too. Both of my sons are on the autistic spectrum (one more so than the other), and not having any support has been very hard. I have been thinking too - what for? Everything ends with us. Because of my boys’ disabilities, there are no grandkids on the horizon. My older son who I have always held out some hope for told me the other night that inasmuch as the current theory (on autism) is that their disabilities may be genetic, he would never have kids even if the opportunity arose - he couldn’t take the chance of passing it on. I told him I went through genetic testing 8 years ago and they found nothing - and there’s no history on either side of the family. I’ve told him theories are all well and good but they’re just theories, but he remains scared and unconvinced. I think because he knows full well how hard it has been not just for him and his brother, but for me as well, no matter how strong and determined I try to be. Everything I’ve worked for my whole life will simply disappear. Legacy? There will be no legacy - no carrying on of the family name, all the good works done by my husband, the good works done by the two of us together, the lessons we’ve taught our guys, will be as wishes written on the wind. I feel as though I’m racing against time - knowing eventually I will be out of the picture, too, and my boys will be on their own and I’m scared as to what that will be like for them. I’m doing all I can manage to keep things together, to put safety nets in place for them - I have a will, life insurance, etc. - and trying to prepare them for their eventual independence - but sometimes it’s hard to see any point. Please don’t tell me to pray and trust in God - I’ve done that my whole life and the net result is I’m a widow with two disabled kids and no hope or joy in my life and not a thing to look forward to. I try hard to count my blessings, but these days the glass is definitely at least half-empty - if not completely drained dry. I really am getting by just on sheer stubbornness, and that only for my sons’ sake. But the constant stress and exhaustion are catching up with me. I’m processing so much anger about it all - I didn’t deserve this and my kids sure as hell didn’t deserve this either. I’m mad at God, I’m mad at Cliff, I’m mad at the universe and I’m mad at myself for not being able to get through this and somehow make it all okay. Thanks for letting me rant.
Posted on 08/10/08, 11:08 am |
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Some days the responsibilities are just overwhelming aren't they! Sheer stubbornness is what keeps me getting up and looking for something anything to make the day better. Some days it works and other days I still get angry... used to be at God and my husband but it seems now mostly at myself for be so dependent in the first place. Its been 17 months and my anger still wins out a lot and the fear of what lies ahead. I don't want to make my kids and grandkids unhappy so I am giving this all I have. I will pretend if thats what it takes. Take care. Hugs!!! 
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Boy, do we understand your anger!! On one point, you're wrong, Cliffskat. You say you're mad at yourself for not being able to get through this. But you ARE getting through it. One hard day at a time, but you are doing it. You are doing the very VERY BEST you can for yourself and your sons, and to expect more than your best is to expect failure.
Take your own advice, (I've read it. ;-) several times.) and give yourself a break. You're doing everything you can to secure your sons' future. Beyond that, like all us parents, it's completely out of your control. And it always has been. None of us can guarantee our children's futures any more than our parents could guarantee ours. Or any more than we ourselves could guarantee our own. Which one of us would have chosen to be where we find ourselves now? As for a "legacy" - - well, a legacy doesn't only pass through blood lines. You yourself have left quite a legacy on this site. A legacy of common sense and grounded values, to people who were and are hurting, and needed a calm voice in the storms of grief. Do you feel so very certain one or both of your sons won't do something just as remarkable? Remarkable and valuable, even priceless, doesn't have to mean progeny or property, fame or fortune. One or both of your boys may make a mark on the world, or on their world, thay you can't even imagine. When the time is right, or even not-so-right, one of them may even surprise you with a grandchild, regardless of what they THINK they will do right now. And just remember the old joke: "If you wanna make God laugh, tell Him your plans." You wrote this several hours ago, and I hope you are feeling a bit better by now. p.s. This is the best place I've ever found to rant.
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jd1982 hit the nail right on the head. I have always admired you and your strength. You are very matter of fact and you give great advice. Reading your posts and/or hugs have helped me in so many ways. Don't be angry with yourself as you have done so much and are still doing things to create those safety nets for your guys.
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Thank you so much for this - I just got home and when I saw your replies I cried. We've discussed previously how this process demolishes your self-esteem, and mine has been suffering mightily because I'm no miracle-worker - even though my head tells me that's not my job my heart tells me I'm not doing enough. You guys are right, I am getting through this, I am doing the best I can, and I have done a lot. I took my boys out today, and we went book shopping, and I have picked up another book on healing from grief ("Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World") - the last one I tried I just couldn't get through. And I picked up another book with information on universities and career advice for my boys. Thank you for being there for me - it has meant so much - I would say that you can't imagine how much, but you are the friends who CAN and DO know how much it means. Thanks. Love and hugs!
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Cliffskat, yes, you are my hero here on the bb,
and still are, for allowing yourself this time to rant and fret and what we do at times. Yes, your boys have lots of time to change their mind, and even if they adopt, what a gift that would be. (They would love the unknown me planning their lives) You have been strong, and all this does bite, and nothing seems fair right now. And God doesnt seem to discriminate between good and bad people. But I like your style. You are so smart and sometimes unsinkable, and your sense of humor pops and this journey does require an ability to laugh and cry to ourselves and each other. Hang in there kid. New motto. We Wont Back Down. Lindy
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