Widows & Widowers Support Group

There is nothing that can be said or done to make the pain go away. the only thing that would make the pain go away can't ever happen because the ones we miss are just that gone. All we can do is love them and try to go on living our lives for them. anyways, well wishes to you and sorry for your loss.

One of the kindest things were not the words that people told me but their gestures. A family friend bought a beautiful angel statue for me when my husband died and left it for me on my front porch when I was at the funeral home. It has the Lord's prayer on it which happened to be said at his funeral. They didn't have to buy me anything but I loved the gesture. A gesture that helped me in my healing was from a male co-worker. He lost his 16 yr old daughter in 2006 to a car accident and he has been helping me. His family sent flowers to the funeral and when I came back to work, he bought a book and a card and put them on my desk. The book was "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". The book helped me a lot especially with all the questions running through my mind at that moment. He has also given me other books to read to help me with my loss. He is not forcing me or pressuring me but he is sharing things with me that helped him just in case they might help me. The kindest things that people did for me was helping me through their gestures, not their words. There is no book that has every single day in the life of grief layed out. Everyone experiences grief differently. The most important thing to let people know is if there is something they can do for you to help you or just to listen to you. Nothing they can do can take away your pain but they can help you with your day to day tasks and problems.

I like the button idea - that would be real handy! I know what you mean - some days I appreciate it and some days I just want to be treated as me - not as somebody's widow. There are no Widowhood 101 classes, and no other loss prepares you for it.

There have been a number of odd kindnesses that helped. The one that probably helped the most was a friend who took me all over the place to find the right linens to replace the ones ruined by my husband's death - I had to get rid of everything - and I wanted something that would make it feel less like "our" bed because I knew I would be missing him snoring away on the other half of the mattress. She did everything she could just to help me get some decent sleep. It took all day and 6 stops to find the right stuff! And this was somebody that I hadn't expected to come forward as she isn't married and so couldn't have any inkling of what I was going through - but she knew ME - and maybe that was the key. And we have grown much closer through all this.

Some of the people I thought I would be able to rely on did not come through, did not call, nothing. I've been through some natural disasters in my life, and I have been amazed each time at who comes through - who has the courage, the compassion, the love to take the risk to help. This experience has been like that. You find out who the heroes in your life really are. And it may surprise you.

I agree it is rarely anyone can say that will make my pain go away. However, yes there are gestures that help. Being gay in small town America is hard, but when you lose your Partner it is worse...what really happens especially with the str8 men you have encounter like your barber, your customers, your co-workers, etc. I went in to see "our" barber the day before the service. He never mentioned Robert, but said "I will fix you up for tomorrow" He gave me the works at the regular charge. I saw a co-worker (19 yo str8 guy) and he said to me "I have lots of ideas for next season. I will be there to help the open, Can I work full time this year). An older gent said to me stuttering..."so what are you going do with the ice cream window. It wont be the same" I was in the convience store tonight...Bob greeted me like he always does, filled with jokes and the usual bull s*%t. On his way out he said quietly "how ya doin'".

These are little gestures of people reaching out. Not the usual "I am so sorry" but words of kindness in their own way. To me it is so comforting. They all like Robert, but dont know how to say it to a same sex couple. But they get their point across and I will tell you all, It means more than all the cards, flowers, phone calls, food, and visits. They are reaching out, out of their comfort zone. WOW to them. Just a different perspective.

A friend sent me the book "Healing After Loss - Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" I don't read it daily - but sometimes read a week's worth at once. This is lengthy, but it spoke to me:

"It is all very well to talk about the universality of grief. But at the time of our loss, we feel as though we are the only person in the world who has the feelings we have - and we are right. If well-meaning friends say to us "I know how you feel," we inwardly bristle with a denial - No,no you couldn't know what this is like.
Even our closest family members have a different experience than we, and sometimes we stumble all over one another, hurt one another, and feel hurt ourselves because we assume that because we are grieving for the same person our grief is the same.
And yet...and yet...At no time do we need other people more. There is a fine balance called for between our need to honor the sanctity of our own inner space and our need for other people to be present - for love, for companionship, for understanding support.
I would say to my friends - When I cannot come out from my house of grief, put your hand to the open window, and I will hold on for dear life."

Shortly after my husbands death my best friend told me she knew how I felt. I ask her how she could say Anyway you find out who your true friends are, in my case a couple of people that I never thought would be there for me were and still are. Tiny gestures, and letting me talk and crying when I need to. It is the little things that mean a great deal.

Its been almost 14 months since Marty passed away. Really in the beginning people did try really hard to say nice things. Even though most of them sounded stupid. You have to remember there is no books written on things to say to people who have lost their spouse. Just like we all have to come to our terms in our own time. People don't mean to sound stupid so we need to have patience. Have a great day. P.S. sometimes I "accidently leave my cell phone" home so as not to listen to people

It is not necessarily the things said that have helped, but the patient nonjudgemental listening that has been a blessing.

To have at least one or two friends that will listen to your story over and over and stick by you through the healing process are the true blessings!

I have a very special friend that keeps watch over me. She calls to tell me she's taking me to lunch or for a walk and won't let me bow out. She has helped me catch up on thst terrible paper work that comes and gets tossed in a pile cuz I don't want to deal with it. She, her husband and her two boys would literally drop everything if I needed them. She's never said anything insensitive to me and never once said to me that she knows how I feel. She can't know and she knows she couldn't possibly know until she's walked in my shoes. When she tells me that I am in her prayers, I believe that she means it--she's not just saying it to have something to say. I know how lucky I am to have this woman in my life cuz I know how others have been toward me during my season of grief. God put her in my life for a reason and I praise God for her.

I agree with Rachel. Gestures are the most important thing to me. I don't like to hear, "I know how you feel, or it's time to go on, get over it. That only makes me angry. Walk in my shoes before you have a comment.
The button thing is a good idea. Then you don't have to explain yourself.