This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life aft...
|
PLs help! Dating a widower.
|
Watch this |
| View More Posts Ignore |
Hi,
I am in search for some advice. I've been dating a widower for 10 months now. His wife passed away 4 years ago. Our relationship is great and healthy an we are both in love. He has introduced me to his family, parents, brothers, etc. (meaning, we are in a committed relationship; it seems like a match made in heaven. But here are my concerns(please help!): He still has pictures of her in his house, including pictures of their wedding. Not a lot of pictures, but perhaps 4 or 5. Also, he keeps the urn with her ashes in a very visible place in the house. I thought that, in time, he would put them asie on his own, but it's been there, and I am just not sure if he is ready to let go. I can certainly see that he has moved on, meaning, he is moving on with his life. But I am just not sure he has "let her go". I am afraid that although he says he loves me, he is still emotionally attache to her. At the beginning of the relationship, we talked a lot about her (I heard it was heatlhy to ask questions). I wanted to make sure I asked questions such as what had happened to her, how many years they were married, etc. He felt comfortable talking about it. He shared with me that he has gone through the grief process and was ready to move on (he has dated other girls before me for short period of times). Since it was at the beggining of the relationship I did not feel I had the right to question the pictures and the urn. But now, we are at a stage where in our committed relationship where I feel we should ask. I don't want to compare the love he had for her with the love he ha for me. I put myself in his situation and that is not fair or right for me to ever question that. But it makes me feel insecure knowing that there is not even one picture of vacations we took together anywhere. Well, we've been dating for only 10 months, but I hope you know where I am coming from. Also, he still has a very strong bond with his in-laws and will visit them once a month, talk to them once a week. I think that is normal, right? Should the visible urn and the pictures be red flag for me? I don't want to be naive and get hurt later. I would rather hurt now than hurt later. :-( You may be wondering if he has any kids, he doesn't. He is 31 years old and was married for 9 years. Posted on 08/28/08, 08:08 am |
| 6 Replies | Add Your Advice |
| View More Posts Ignore |
Everyone is different I am sure the woman I am dating is going thou the same thoughts you are. I have a picture book by my bed of my late wife but not to pine over I just like to talk to hey every now and then as more then my wife she was my best friend for 19 years. It is hard to "put aside" your late wife no matter how long or short it has been. You need to be careful here I think as you are not trying to replace her (we an love more then one person at a time) you are just the next chapter in his life and when you turn to the next chapter you don't tear out and forget the previous chapters you read, do you? The best you can do is let him know that these things make you uncomfortable and let him know you don't expect him to forget her, you just need to know how he feels. 
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
couldn't agree with jfox more.
i have pictures, including wedding pics up in my home still (it's been 2yrs). they are starting to come down or be placed in less noticible places. i keep them up for memories for myself and for my 8-yr old son. the weird thing about it is that i am in a serious (headed towards marriage) relationship with a widow. she has pics of her husband around for the same reasons (she has two younger kids). it is definitely not a comparison or an inability to "let go". it just is a part of my life that i like to remember visually from time to time. same with her. we have a unique perspective for the situation so i don't know if my advice is valid! all i can say is that if you feel he loves you, he shows you that he is "all yours"...don't sweat it. discuss the awkwardness you feel with the pics. dont' let it fester tooo long...the discussion will most likely lead you to a better understanding of each other and thus move you closer to each other. hope this helps a smidgen!
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
I lost my husband very suddenly. I am seeing someone and he encouraged me to put a couple of pictures in his house of Marty. He allows me to feel sad, cry and talk about the memories. It has nothing to do with the way I feel about him but when you lose a spouse to death there is a part of your heart noone will ever get. Unlike divoce you are still in love with the person when they die. I have told the guy I am seeing that I have a very big heart with lots of room for love but there is a small piece he will never get. He totally understands. I am not sure you ever get over losing a spouse but, that doesn't mean life still can't be shared with someone else. In time the pics will slowly be replaced with the memories you two will share together. Ask him if there is a special place that his wife loved and maybe suggest placing the ashes there. When I put my husbands ashes out to sea it was a way of saying a final good-bye. Hang in there his heart is big enough to love you.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Have you thought of framing a picture from your vacation together and giving it to him as a gift. Men don't always think about things like framing a pic, the ones he has were most likely framed by his wife. She has a part of his heart and always will. You have to decide if you can live with that. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
I have a friend who is a widower, we dated a little, but now he has a new "love" and I know she'll be a permanent in his life. Being a widow myself, I know he will never "get over her" the way you may think he should. He will grieve for her like any relative, the pictures are normal, my husband's been gone 2 years, and I haven't moved any pictures at all. If I remarry, I'll probably have my wedding portrait from my 1st marriage still in a room, and put the portrait from my new marriage in another. I don't feel he has to put his pictures away, but the urn would creep me out. I would probably ask (before I move in) what he plans on doing with the urn, some people bury them, some spread ashes over a special place. I used to like hearing about my friend's wife, and still do. I learn alot about him through her. He is ready to move on, but not abandon people who have been part of his life for many years. There's nothing wrong with him keeping contact.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
All, thank you so much. You have no idea how much this helped. Now I know, without any doubt in my mind, because of your sharing, that the pictures are totally normal. I was never jealous, so I hope that it not how it came accross. It is just that since I was not aware of how the grieving works, I was afraid that perhaps the pictures meant he was not really read to make a life commitment with someone else in the future, like myself. But since the relationship is great, meaning, we love and respect each other and are growing together, I am not going to let the pictures scare me away. I want him to always have a part of her with him, because that is the caring and human man I fell in love with. Keeping her memory alive will never be an issue for me. But again, not knowing how the whole grieving process works, I was not sure whether not pictures were normal. And you ALL eased my mind and brought me some good sense! And yes, I will take the advise of framing a picture of us and giving it to him as a gift probably for Christmas! To give him some extra time.....We will have been dating by a year and a 1/2 by then. If my picture is not displayed, then we will have a problem! So, you guys will be hearing from me again! Thanks again, SO much. My heart goes out to all of you.
|
|
|
|
||
Hi, I am in search for some advice. I've been dating a widower for 10 months now. His wife passed away 4 years ago. …
I just reread my message and realized I said widower and it should have been widow. I am a widow dating a widower.
I am a widower of 15 years who started dating a widower of 2 years last summer. The first 10 months was wonderful. I …
