Widows & Widowers Support Group

Bless your heart. I don't know if there IS anything you can do about the daughter as long as she's going to behave like this. You don't say how long his wife has actually been gone, but it sounds like his daughter is being a bit childish for her age. I'm sure she loved her mother, but to deny her father happiness and resent ANY woman in his life is juvenile.

All you can do is just continue to be friendly, but do NOT martyr yourself. If she is downright rude, speak to your male friend about it and ask him to handle it. There is NEVER any excuse for cruelty or rudeness!!! If you get a chance, and still want to apologize, then do so but i don't know what you want to apologize for.

I wish you the very best. He sounds like a wonderful man, and you're both lucky to have found each other. God bless you and please don't make yourself sick over this childish daughter.

I agree with Leeall. At 26 the daughter should understand her dad would NOT want to be alone forever. I've been seeing a widower too, who has 3 grown children. We're very close friends right now, not sure what will evolve and not really in a hurry. But all his kids have not only accepted me, but also my young son, which is quite remarkable. The rest of his family has been great too, but I have not yet met his wife's family. That will eventually come, as they are very close. Don't force yourself on his daughter. I wouldn't say too much other than to just be cordial. You've tried, so let her come to you. Whatever feelings she has about her dad dating has to be hers to deal with. Find comfort in the fact that she'd be acting this way no matter who he happens to be with. It's not personal.

My husband was a widower with a 19 year old daughter when we met. She also was polite but cool.

I can only think of one thing that might help to de-frost the daughter a little bit. Look for opportunities to say complimentary things about her mother.

For example, at dinner, you might say something like "Your dad says your mom made the best lasagna he ever ate." She may still say something a cool like "He won't eat ANYONE else's lasagna!" Respond just as if she had said something perfectly pleasant. Or maybe, if you hear a song, you can say, "Your dad says that was his & your mother's song."

Basically, you're acknowledging to her that you know her mother was the only woman for him as long as she lived, and I'm guessing some kind of reassurance that he isn't forgetting her mother is what she needs.

It may not work, and even if it does, it will take time, but it's worth a shot.

Good Luck, my friend! Jan

When I married my wife I had a similar situation with my step-daughter but she was a teenager at the time. A 26 yr old should know better. The advice I'd give from that experience is two-fold.

1) Get the father involved in some way. Maybe he needs to have a talk with her in private. Maybe he needs to speak up when she is being rude. Its not fair for him to ask you to be in that situation and then not help you when it occurs. My wife would always say "don't put me in the middle of this". A cop-out which essentially sanctioned the behavior. As a result it did not get resolved for a long time.

2) Go into the situation mentally prepared. You should NOT ignore her bad behavior. But you also shouldn't overreact. You need to be firm but not angry. Its tough but knowing how you want to deal with it in advance is a big help.

As a daughter who lost her Mom to an Intracranial Hemorrhage without any warning at age 20 with a 16 yr old brother I can give you a small window to the other side. Rest assured she probably has nothing against you personally. That being said my father started dating a woman 3 months after my Mom passed. And unfortunately she was just another in our face reminder that Mom was gone. I wanted my Dad to be happy and for that reason I was never out of my way rude to her. But I did avoid her and had as little contact as possible. I'm not sure what the extended circumstances are in your situation but please don't push things on her. Unfortunately when you date a widower there is a lot of baggage. Good or bad it is there and trying to force anything will not result in happiness. It would be unacceptable for her to be out of her way cruel/rude this being if she were to be verbally abusive and to approach you with hostility. But if she basically leaves you alone and doesn't want to acknowledge you that is her way of saying she's not ready to accept you. She will tolerate your prescense because her Dad chose you and she wants him to be happy. But she needs time. She is not being juvenille she is still hurting and trying to handle that grief. If her Dad is dating you she is also dealing with the fact that he has moved on already and trying to keep him happy but at the same time trying to work through her own feelings. It may not help much but I read a lot of posts with advice about mentioning her Mom and trying to be nice and to try and find a commonality. If she is distant and basically stays out of your way then let her be. Approaching her would just cause resentment. In her mind she isn't ready, and she's sucking it up for her dad's hapiness but you are already being thrust into her world when she doesn't want you there. Getting in her face and forcing your way in even more won't work. It may be that way for ever who knows not everyone gets over the all consuming feelings of loss but you have to remember. You are dating her Dad not her. Even though you may want the all happy family you may not be able to have it. Just remember if you are happy with him that should be all that matters.

Hi. I hear you. I am dating a widower of three years and he has a 29 year old daughter that basically does the same thing to me. I do not go out of my way anymore for her...I did and my gestures fell on deaf shoulders. I do not feel that talking to her about her mother is advice I would give out because that will bring up memories for your boyfriend and create more grief for him and you. You say that he mentions memories of his late wife cause he is comparing the two of you...never would I put up with that. My boyfriend has mentioned a few dishes that his late wife has made when he went out hunting to take along - he calls it a tradtion - well, I won't make them. A new tradtion starts with him and I. I have a stepmother and I have seen the hurt that she went through when she was there but not recognized by my father and I will not put myself there nor do I want to see anyone else there. Little does anyone know until you are there that the one that is dating a widower/widow goes through more hurt than anyone will ever know. We are human and have feelings - they do have to know that!

I'd advise you to continue to speak and be polite, but don't push the issue. If she, in turn, is polite but cool, accept that for now. Hopefully, things will get more comfortable for everyone. Rudeness should never be tolerated, for any reason.
One day, she may see how happy her Dad is and open up more. For now, she's pretty far away and hasn't had enough time yet.
Good luck,
AJ

I agree with the others. Basically you must accept the situation as it is today with no change coming. If you can accept that this person will never warm up to you, then you are right to remain in the relationship.

One question that came to mind was -- what does your boyfriend think about the way his daughter acts towards you? What has his reaction been? Does he acknowledge that she's ignoring you? Or does he make excuses for her? This I feel would be more indicative of where your relationship is going.

I am engaged to a widower of 5 years and I myself am a widow of 15 years. Me and my fiance are both 50 years old with grown children. My 3 are 29.27,22..his 2 are 19,21..everyone gets along amazing accept for one...his daughter. She refuses to accept me as her dads future wife and now claims she hates her dad..she direspects both of us to our faces and to anyone who will listen to her. Me and her dad have a wonderful relationship but she is use to controling her father (dads lil girl) . Our engagement was the first time he didn't do what she said...she told him she wasn't ready and he gave me a ring anyway. That was 10 months ago and we still have not set a date..for her to hopefully accept the change and give us a blessing. She doesn't consider our waiting a sacrafice for her..she says we had no right getting engaged in the first place...My fiance and her have been going to conseling and she is getting worse every week. She has threatened to move out when she gets home from college and to live her life without her dad. I understand very well her pain and her missing her Mom but I can not understand how she can expect her dad to live his life by her rules or else she will hate. I am at the end of my rope and I have been beat up pretty bad by her actions...I only fell in love with her dad..thats all and I feel she is old enough to understand his right to move on. Your not alone and I have not spoken to his daughter for 3 months now and I am not going to until she apologizes to me for the way she totaly disrespected me and her dad in front of many people this summer. I will not allow her to treat me this way and it's time she stops acting like she is 10 and more like 21. I want to be her friend but not her punching bag like her dad is. I will be nice when she starts deserving my repect but until then I will sit back and wait for her apology.