Transgender Support Group

I'm not gonna claim to fully understand how you feel, since i'm on the other side of that fence... BUT if you lover need the clothing (feel more feminine) to get closer to you, then thats just them really coming to grips with it, you did say if i remember correctly that this is reletively recently come to light.

I know i had my first beautiy day with my wife two weeks ago... make up and shaving, etc.. and it was wonderful! She was suprised i wasn't smiling and happy.. but I guess i just needed to "come to grips" with it myself... It's a major step for me, and i can't wait to do it some more (this weekend dear?) I know she gets these in her email LOL

Anyway, i can't really help alot with it, as i said, but I hope you two can communicate your feelings and be respectful of each other as much as you both can... Not saying either has to make exceptions.. just try to be open.

this isnt him getting closer i been doing alot of the pampering days with my lover and he doesnt/wont communicate with me.
I m doing way to much and i m hoping that this last talk will help.

I m being very open we do nails, there is clothes here, makeup, girly stuff, nail polish, shoes and etc..

We have been doing it. Its the bar being raised and raised then i keep and have always said i cant give up these things. I listed them yet they still keep getting pushed in my face and its like i cant give them. This stuff has to me alot to do with my personality.
It s part of my identity and i cant give any more then i have.
Which is why i m hoping this talk about being responsible at home with chores and etc.. Will i hope get through.
I love him but this isnt carrie maid service its a partnership.

Also i told him to not make expectations that i cant meet with his/she dressing. I wont give up certain things. To me there a term of enderment for me. Wont and cant do it on them..

Hi Carrie,

My heart goes out to you. I obviously don't know you or your lover but I've often felt bad for the partners of TG people in my own personal life. When someone "discovers" this about him/herself, it's often a very exciting and exhilarating time for them. They want their results yesterday and in their impatience, they often lose sight of the feelings of the people around them, especially their partners. This puts people like you in an awkward position. If you express your concerns so that you are actually being heard, your partner may misinterpret your views as not wanting him to dress femininely at all (or whatever it is they feel they need to do), and if you express your support for him, he may see that as a green light to go full steam ahead and may forget to take your feelings into account as he explores his femininity. (Sorry if I am using the wrong pronouns for your lover, but since I don’t know how he/she identifies, I’m not sure how to refer to him).

I’m sure you already know this, but relationships in which someone begins exploring their gender identity or expression statistically have a low success rate. The emotions of each partner can be so intense and overwhelming that they forget to emphasize with the other person. The emotions of one partner are also often at odds with the other. It’s a lot like growing apart only in extreme fast-forward.

If you can find a TG friendly therapist, I would urge you to look into couple counseling with your partner. If you are already seeing a counselor, you might want to discuss strategies you can use to express your feelings to your partner without isolating him. You could also look into local TG support systems; info about them should be available within the LGBT community.

I also see that you have a goal to read TG books. I haven’t read this one, but I’ve heard that it’s been helpful for the partners and the family members of TG’s who have read it…

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals, Author: Chloe Ann Rounsley, Mildred L. Brown
http://search.half.ebay.com/true-s...

Later,
Jeff

thanks jeff,
you said my feelings exactly in your reply to this.
I have never put it quite that way. WE are in couples counseling but she keeps putting me as the bad guy. At least thats how i feel.
I m now using "I" statements but honestly they make me more angry and feeling at a loss for words. I hate it..
she sent me off with a book i should read and that was it..
So i m really confused as to what i m supposed to do with a book from her recommendation. I ll try anything at this point..
I have four other books i want to read i finished the first one now i have to buy the others. This book you just put there sounds very interesting. I think i ll get it..
I feel for you too cause alot of partners arent like me and would just turn away cause of being overwhelmed i havent. I put him/her in front of me i think this is where the problem comes from but i m unsure.
I m trying to be fair to us both which is where the boundaries are for a reason to prevent competition issues or jealousy but i m still having troubles cause of his lack of communication and core issues we had are now amplified.
I miss him talking to me and etc..
Its really rough..

Hugs to you all! I m glad to have such a wonderful group to go to..
thanks
for replying back jeff and mysticshaman
tons of support from me to you.

sweetie, you have every right to have boundries beyond which you dont wish to go. any relationship takes give and take by both parties, and that might be doubly so when one partner is tg. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is "is this person worth it?" If the answer is yes, then you will have to make some sacrifices to allow them to be who they wish to be. if the answer is no, then you would both would be better off breaking the relationship and finding partners that you can be confortable with. good luck.

to inpain in canada,
i can only give so much.
I wont be able to give bra and panties sets or lingere ever.
I told him this since i found out 3 mths ago.
i WILL never be able to give up nylons these are a treat to even me cause i put rips in them just by putting them on.
Also i told him of what i could never never give.
I can give him nails, makeup, wigs, outfits, sleepwear, shoes such as flip flops or pumps but the one thing that i have found my identity in is platforms it was always a statement and they make me feel and look good.
Same goes for a bra yes i m a big hippie on that but i do enjoy them when i m going out etc..
I cant give them up.
I didnt marry a woman if i had then it would have been cool with me its there bra its there platforms etc.. But my lover isnt wanting to transition fully and keeps raising this bar so high i cant keep up.
Truly there is only so much anyone can give and be able to say ok this is cool with me..
When it steps on your toes you cant give it up.
I dont mind dresses, outfits, wigs etc.. But i wont give on the shoes or stuff that i truly love..
I didnt know about my lovers fem side till 2 years later almost 2 years and 3 mths to be precise. To ask one to say ok i m cool with you switching and not be like my lover is so upsetting and unfounding to me..
I never met her till 3 mths ago..
Do i love my lover yes am i willing to give anymore i cant. I m spent.. This is why i m asking how do i not lose myself to her.
I want to know what i can do to help me and my lover.
NOT give up more then i can.Thats where boundaries are supposed to be. I have never said no make up save for the 1st month of finding out.. I have never said no dresses, no outfits.. Heck i even bought the wig and help her get ready..
This isnt unreasonable my lover knew i would never give up that bra or nylons or lingere..
I told her that i told my lover in male persona.. I wont be able too..
I cant budge on those things.. Silk nightie that is sexy ok.. Silk undroos ok.. womens underwear ok doesnt bother me. You want nails thats fun lets do it together.. Etc..
This is the line i cant give up my bra, my nylons and my lingere.. NOt to much to ask for when i gave miles to work with frankly it should be ok to say hey i got a lot and she lets me be me more then any other women would..
His expectations where a nightgown for bed i surpassed it ten fold..
I m not giving anymore then i can..
Sorry if i step on toes with this but this is the last boundary and it wont be budged..
i need help to feel like i m not losing me and any suggestions would be useful..
Anything that i can say or do would help too..
I m lost..
HELP

I'm sorry, but I am confused. It started out sounding like you wouldn't accept your husband wearing your clothes. That sounds like an appropriate psychological boundary and a good one. If that is not what your bottom line is then I do not understand. If your husband is exploring his "fem" side or identity, he is an adult and should be exploring that in his own clothes. Wearing your clothes may be financially pragmatic, yet, you have said that it is unacceptable to you. It also sounds like it may feel to you as if his doing so crosses your boundaries, may show disrespect to you and invades your personal privacy. These are all behaviors reminiscent of earlier stages of human development, e.g. children wear their parents clothes to experiment with taking on the mind of another with whom they identify. I am not saying that this is what he is doing. If it is however, he may need to go slower and pass through these stages more intentionally to ground himself in his own identity as a she and a her. To do so otherwise in your clothes feels to me like it blurs your mutual identities as adults, lovers, and even friends--which you sound like you are saying when you talk about losing yourself. It also disempowers his own maturing identity, whether female or not.

One of the things you and others have mentioned when you talk about the behavior of your TG sounds like the "rush" one may seek in the face of emotional distress. Coming into adulthood with the growing confusion and often associated distress with being TG leaves one potentially caught between what may be a painful and tormenting history and the pleasure, even thrill, of our fantasies of being whole. The headiness of that thrill can leave us lost in ourselves and not mindful of those who are important to us and who we love. At other times we may become painfully aware of our behavior and experience guilt, even shame. It is difficult for a TG's partner to know where to stand or what to think if their TG person is bouncing around inside with this cacophony. The seductiveness of the rush can seem like too much to resist. Yet, in the end it is living through the journey with integrity, whether TG or partner, that continues the possibility of relationship and being whole.

I write this to voice my own answers to your question. I hope it is supportive to you and humane. I do wish you well. It is not an easy thing you do.

Dulcinea

I'm sorry, but I am confused. It started out sounding like you wouldn't accept your husband wearing your clothes. That sounds like an appropriate psychological boundary and a good one. If that is not what your bottom line is then I do not understand. If your husband is exploring his "fem" side or identity, he is an adult and should be exploring that in his own clothes. Wearing your clothes may be financially pragmatic, yet, you have said that it is unacceptable to you. It also sounds like it may feel to you as if his doing so crosses your boundaries, may show disrespect to you and invades your personal privacy. These are all behaviors reminiscent of earlier stages of human development, e.g. children wear their parents clothes to experiment with taking on the mind of another with whom they identify. I am not saying that this is what he is doing. If it is however, he may need to go slower and pass through these stages more intentionally to ground himself in his own identity as a she and a her. To do so otherwise in your clothes feels to me like it blurs your mutual identities as adults, lovers, and even friends--which you sound like you are saying when you talk about losing yourself. It also disempowers his own maturing identity, whether female or not.

One of the things you and others have mentioned when you talk about the behavior of your TG sounds like the "rush" one may seek in the face of emotional distress. Coming into adulthood with the growing confusion and often associated distress with being TG leaves one potentially caught between what may be a painful and tormenting history and the pleasure, even thrill, of our fantasies of being whole. The headiness of that thrill can leave us lost in ourselves and not mindful of those who are important to us and who we love. At other times we may become painfully aware of our behavior and experience guilt, even shame. It is difficult for a TG's partner to know where to stand or what to think if their TG person is bouncing around inside with this cacophony. The seductiveness of the rush can seem like too much to resist. Yet, in the end it is living through the journey with integrity, whether TG or partner, that continues the possibility of relationship and being whole.

I write this to voice my own answers to your question. I hope it is supportive to you and humane. I do wish you well. It is not an easy thing you do.

Dulcinea

i let him have his own clothes to wear and underthings etc.
But i m not cool with sharing the others even if they would be his.
Cause i m very feminine and it makes me feel like i have to compete which is not something i m trying to do emotionally or otherwise.
He has his own things i have taken time to have them here and he has his own spot in closet and that sorta thing.
It hard to explain it more clearly.
I cant and dont feel like i could live with someone that is playing two roles with others but not me. He is male in every other aspect of his life. But i believe his fem in others and especially at home.
I do understand the curiosity thing like when we all go through that as kids. But i cant give anymore things up. Its an identity issue for me. I know that some would agree with that. Cause when your identity is ither total fem or total male then thats ok but the confusion stage is really rough on all partners.
Especially when he says he isnt transitioning but acts and does things that i believe a women would do all the time. I find it difficult to say no when i have given him miles to work with and cause of the stuff he has had to deal with etc.. . I believe this is the last thing that he wants and i cant give it.
This is where my identity is. I was never given chance to meet her or to get to know anything about his fem side.
I m very open minded. I give alot to let him be fem anytime just i dont know how to deal with the giving up somethings that make me well me. Cause i dont think he is wanting to transition and thats the only way i would consider it. Cause thats a women to me someone that wears a bra and lingere and yes nylons. I have always enjoyed them. i know others do as well. I know fetishes do to but i dont like them on my men unless my partner was a women. Its hard to go back and forth male to fem all the time on me. It just is cause i dont recognize my partner at all. Especially with the trust continuely being brocken.. Very confusing.
Whats so confusing is that there is no communication with him.. He cant do it..
I dont know i m just very lost in all this even tho i know the glbt community and yes i m bi but still its hard its difficult i need some advice..Anything..

I appericate all the comments on here.. thanks for trying and maybe someone can hit home with this i do not know.. .