Transgender identity includes many overlapping sub-categories. These include transsexual; cross-dresser; transvestite; consciously androgynous people; genderqueer; people who live ...
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? how do you help a partner
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I know that this is ither going to be taken one of two ways ither i m going to be called an unsupportive bigot partner or i m going to get some valid advice.
Ither way i need some input.. I want to know how my partner can put to rest some of my fears, wierdness and things of that nature. I m a recent wife to a crossdresser or someone that will eventually want to be more fem at home and out of this i m sure. Everything was only recently told to me about a month now i believe. We are leading a double life. His friends and family dont know. Save for his brother. I m all alone down where i live cause my folks and some friends that understand are all up north. He is constantly asking me wierd ?'s and pushing the bar at a speed to fast for me. If you all would read my journals it will show that i have and am always supportive but on top of this he is becoming codependant on me. He has always had this issue. We struggle constantly cause i m also a bipolar individual without meds cause before telling me we where advetly trying to have kids.. Short of me going back on them and not trying for kids ever. I m at a loss. I feel like nothing is ever communicated with me and he is being to pushy. I m fine with so much only to walk in and have acward momments cause he doesnt think to ask hey can i wear this or that.. Its always done without involvement of me. I want to be able to involved and in the relationship. But i m up againest a shut down mech. Trying to communicate alot too. What can my partner do to help me? I have done all the research and i m willing to do more. I dont care about alot of things for those of you who know me. It doesnt bother me i m accepting of whoever this person is but i dont get involvement then get the bar raised each time.. I have only been in this for a month and a half or something like that. He himself has said i surpassed his expectations of a wife but never stops to say hey maybe my wife wants to help with it or maybe we can go do this etc.. So how does he help me on this journey? I m turning into something that i dont like by trying to do way to much responsiblity and bar still keeps going up higher and faster then i can keep up. How can i help him too? (besides sit downs of talking, supporting him being bigender through lots of things, simplfying tasks, doing what i can to be here) thanks carrielost Posted on 07/22/08, 11:07 am |
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i hope this helps a little.what i see is,and how i can relate to this is,i went through a growth stage or transgender puberty so to say about ten years ago where i was acting out strange and exited cause i found myself.so we go through these stages,unfortunately my wife left cause i decided i wasnt going to be a man anymore at all,some things i did to myself shocked even other TGs i can only talk to professionals about now.so now im going through the rightway now instead of all backwards,im getting the right help now,instead of taking everything in my own hands.im so so happy to hear the you are going thru this with her and reaching out to us too.but now im more comfy with myself,and settled down alot though im still a wildcat.7 out of 10 years im on natural estrogen cause 3 years i went through a purging cause i thought i was reading thoughts around me from conservatives,i say that cause i dont want to say anything against the church.them i accepted myself as female again and im much more happy now and im not reading no more false guilt,theres gotta be a reason i was born a male but i dont no why,but i know i was born male,but now i will strive to be female and i will die a female,cause my mind is female.you know you can always talk to me.so my best wishes to you.love robbie. 
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to be perfectly honest i think sometimes we get to excited to see that we are moving so fast and our loved ones cant keep up. i do think you need to sit your partner down and remind them that ya'll are spossed to be a team. dont forget that you need as much love and support as you are putting out. getting involved with your local pride as a couple might be the perfect start for you. that way you will be involved and meet people who can be there for the two of you. good luck
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just thought i d update on this..
I do have the pride information but there arent many groups out there for soffas which is what i m. I did call emerald city and i have an invite to go there this august for there general meeting. I also have the tg group near me and pflag to try but they said that they didnt have much to offer wives of tg people ither. I also am going to be looking into tries when we have more money there close by to us too. The only group near me was one in seattle and i m going to try there but they moved and i have to get directions to there. WE went to pride parade and loved it. Also i m involved in a cd group that goes out to dances etc.. Also one that is sorta like pflag on meetup. I m online with a cdso wives group mailing list too. i believe one on myspace too.
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I think carrielost that you are already progressing on a healthy path but to those out there who are confused aboty all of this I want to debunk some common myths:
1. If somebody is CD they are gay - it is possible but most probably they are not. Actually CDs are more likely to be hetro than the average male, remeber femeninity is what they are attracted to in themselves and in others. 2. If somebody is CD they will eventually want to change sex - this is true for TG but not most CDs. All CDs have fantacies about being a woman but in their heart this is not their final destination. 3. If a CD is following his urge to dress he is being unfaithful to you - untrue, his behaviour does not relate in any way to how he feels about you. Cross dressing is no more cheating on you than would be masturbation. As a spouse or partner of a male CD, the best way to start relating to him and building a stronger bond (apart from acceptance which is a given) is to help him realise his potential to be an exceptional lover and relate to you in a very empathic way. It is just a crying shame that so many marriges involving CDs go through incredibly dry patches sexually and emotionally due to honesty and trust issues on both sides. The truth is that a CD is much more in touch with his female side than most men and this means understanding and correctly applied this can mean great sex (and believe me for any women out there unbeleivable oral) and also an the potential for a very close emothional bond. And you gave up how many years of your life that you could have had all this for what? Take care.
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Sounds like you are having some emotional connection issues with your spouse. Try having a conversation to whereas you ask him what would make him feel more connected to you and then in turn let him know what would help you. I recommend thinking of one subject a day to talk about even if it does not relate at all to your guys situation. Watch an interesting movie and talk about it at length. Have both of you conjointly make a movie list it helps alot.
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boy its been so long since this was posted.
Still just doing ok or great on some days. Communication has been extremly better. chores have been split for the most part taking some stress off of me. My lover is also having discussions about needs and wants. I m going to a local group that i love. The people are awesome. I m back on meds.. Which sucks with energy with winter coming. I try to sit us down for conversations as much as possible. Usually topic based set it to a time limit of about 2 hours max. My lover is dressing for event. I help with this. I m the one who ends up running around trying to figure out how to look lol.. boy am i a wierd one.. Can plan things but when it comes down to what i d like to wear i am at aloss. So things are ok. Rough sometimes but others pretty good.
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I am glad that things are getting better. Those of us who struggle with gender sometimes can forget how stressful it can be for those who love us as well as for ourselves. I thing as long as you keep comunicating, and keep being sure that both you and your partner are being respectful of what the other is going through, you have an excellent chance for the relationship to not only survive this, but thrive. Good luck.
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