Step Families Support Group

Contact his ex wife and ask that she reassure your husband that no matter what his son wishes his son will not be allowed to make a decison to not see Dad no matter how mean the kid thinks Dad is.

I.e. she can remove Dad's fears that the kid will tell Mom he doesn't want to visit and Mom will allow it.

His fears are valid, the Forums of filled with stories and you should visit a Fathers Rights" forum. Its worse than here.

Well, first of all, I don't talk to her about anything. She has only called my home a few times in regards to her son like when he was acting up and she needed my husband to speak to their son.

Second, the son lives with me and the husband now and it has never been a case where he didn't want to be at our house. He loves being at our house and we for the most part have to convince him to go anywhere.

Dad is just used to letting him have his way alot because of his guilt of the divorce and now he doesn't see that the boundaries are being crossed between parent and child.

I wish I had some advice. My ex is the same way w/ my son and I worry it will get worse as he gets older. Why is your SS living there now? Did he ask for it? I'm just curious because I wonder if he knows dad has less rules and now that he is a teen, that is what he wants (didn't we all at that age). I think when school starts there will need to be rules and boundries and it may take some bad report cards and school compliants to wake dad up - assuming mom had rules and school went well when he was there.

A professional may need to tell dad he has to be father 1st, buddy 2nd. Or maybe if there are any good books out there for raising teens. Sometimes they just need to see it in black and white or hear about it from someone else. But its his job as a parent. Thats what a parent does. Someone has to raise the child, buddies don't raise kids - they just have fun. I feel your frustration!

Since you are so lucky as to have a decent woman as the BM to your SS, it might be a good idea to give her a call. Perhaps just begin by saying that since her son is now living in your home, you would like to have a communicating relationship with her (regarding academics, sports, behavior, etc.). NATURALLY, it would be a good idea to talk with your H about this before making the call (just to be sure he doesn't have any problem with it). Explain to her that you and your husband are trying to set "official" rules in your house for when school starts and ask her for any suggestions (anything that stays consistant with what their mom does makes your life easier). Let her know that you are her alli and want to work with her and your husband (since you will not be so involved in day to day life).
Talk to your husband and see if he will agree to puting some rules (including the consequences for breaking rules) in writing (such as when homework will be completed, chores, etc.) and STICK to them. Sometimes placing the "RULES and CONSEQUENCES" somewhere visible to everyone (such as the fridge or bulletin board) can help keep everyone on track and not forget. Remind your H of how much children (even teenagers) appriciate basic structure and how much better his son's behavior will be when he has predictible consequences. :)

Your SS may even laugh when you show him the paper but if you actually do what the paper says EVERY time, he will learn to clearly see what is expected of him in the new home and hopefully he will chose to comply with that. You said that he enjoys being at your house. Because of that, I am sure this can work because he must love and respect you guys. Your SS (and H) will see that there is room for fun but first and formost, we all have responsiblities.

Thanks timv12 and gabimary! I have tried getting books, but hubby won't look at them, he just puts them to the side. He has that "it's not a big deal" attitude. SS is living with us because hubby thought he would be better off living with us. BM is more into herself and her boyfriends than giving her son the attention that he needs. Both her and my hubby don't have a problem with what he does or doesn't do unless it's something that affects them! I think that's a pretty screwed up attitude to have towards your kids because it leaves them clueless! It really pisses me off too!!

When SS was a few years younger, I wanted him to live with us so he could get the proper everything...clothes, food, discipline, attention, help with school, but hubby kept putting it off. After a while, I didn't want him to live with us because he had no respect, manners, general home training. But now he's there and I am getting used to it and I think he has discovered that it is a little different at our house. Hubby is slowly coming around (very slowly), and it only seems like he makes these decisions after I spend so much time trying to get him to understand what needs to be done.

My SS has had awful grades for the past 2 - 3 years and he is now going to be a freshman in high school. I'm afraid that hubby isn't going to do enough to see that his grades improve. By the way, writing down the rules and consequences sounds like a good idea. A cousin told me the same thing. The deal is, I may stick to it, but hubby won't...he has absoulutely NO stick-to-it-tive-ness!! It's worth a shot though!!!

Oh my gosh, do I understand your pain. I live with my SO and his three kids, ages 15,13,and 10. The kids all drink coffee at night then they stay up all night, sleep all day, then when I come home from work, the house is a mess and they have all just been playing video games. It makes me want to pull my hair out, literally. I have made attempts at giving them rules and even posted a chore list but their dad never backs me up. He even lets them talk back to me while he is present and he does nothing. Sad thing is, I am not even these kids' stepmom. Dad is still married to their estranged mother. So, yes I do understand your anger and frustration. Last night, I had a complete meltdown and told my SO that I am tired of all of this nonsense and I deserve better than that. It sounds like the men in our lives are exactly the same, they have the "oh if I ignore it it will go away" attitude. Just sit down with him, have a serious talk and tell him how extremely unhappy you are about this living situation. If he truly cares about you he will step up and do the right thing and all it will do is help your relationship and to teach his son about acceptable behavior by being a dad and not a buddy. I wish you the best of luck.

My stepchildren (2) have lived on and off with us a couple of times because Birth mom could not get her life together. The 2 times that we got them when they lived with us for only 6 weeks my husband was their best friend and I was the disciplinarian. Well needless to say it did not turn out well. Not only did the kids do whatever they wanted but it caused my husband and I problems. Now they live with us permanently because mom kicked them out. (SD 17 and SS 15). It is totally different this time. It has taken time for my husband to become the father but he is and we now discipline together. When it came that they were going to live with us..I sat my husband down and talked to him straight forward and told him what I expected or else things were not going to work. He understood where I was coming from and when we have problems we now work on it together. I do not want to fight with him and I don't want our marriage to fall apart. That is not going to happen because we now talk about things alot. Communication is the key. I hope that this makes some sense.

Thanks Fairymom! The good news is, since I wrote this post, there has been some changes. I think with the son living with us, hubby started to understand things better. I actually feel like the other parent in the house now, instead of the feeling like the son was. Hubby has actually been sticking by my decisions...most of them anyway. I also have been better able to discuss things with him and he actually listens. Maybe we're finally on our way!