Tobacco smoke contains a stimulant nicotine which forms a strong physical and psychological chemical dependence (addiction). The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention claim th...
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trying to understand my partner
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This is the first time I have ever posted in dailystrength (I posted in the wrong section, then realized could start a new topic, so bear with me :-) I am actually not a smoker, but I am trying to understand my partner....Soooooooo.... my question (story first).... when I met my live-in partner (since March) he smoked occasionally. I would never have considered a relationship if he had been a full-fledge smoker (good reason...please bear with me) as he would not have considered me since I was a non-smoker. So, things were ok, until he got back to full-fledge smoking. I have terrible asthma. The cigarettes are aggrivating it something fierce. I have been in emergency at the hospital twice in the last month and am on predisone. Everytime he smokes it aggrivates my asthma. He does smoke outside, but the smell clings onto him. Also our sex life has been affected cause I have asthma attacks and well.... you know what won't happen for me as a result! (can you see me turning red?) and then he can't wait to jump off of me to get his cigarette. I feel like the cigarette is the other woman? He will not consider the patch or taking medication because of the cost. So, is there any chance for us.... does he love cigarettes more than me? Is the addiction that strong? Please help me understand?! Other than this everything else is great for us; we are total soulmates, but I am afraid this will be the breaking point. :-(
Posted on 08/19/08, 02:08 am |
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Have you talked this over with your partner? What does he have to say about it? Your post says that your partner will not consider the patch or medication; I guess that leaves cold turkey - has he tried to quit? Is he willing to give it a try? 
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As Beesley says you have to discuss this with your partner.
He has to understand how you feel and how his smoking is affecting you and your relationship. On the other hand, you must understand what it is like to have this addiction (yes, it is an addiction). It is extremely strong and very hard to break. You say he smokes outside but the smell aggravates your asthma. I can see that the smoke would affect you and I agree the after-smell is very unpleasant but I wouldn't have thought the smell alone would affect your breathing. With regards to rejecting the patch or medication because of the cost, what about what he is spending on cigarettes? Try to get him to go to the website www.whyquit.com and read some of the articles on there. Get him to come here onto DS and read some of the threads. I wish you both well in this and hope that you able to find a solution.
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..."he got back to full fledge smoking"...
There are non smokers, and there are full fledge smokers. No in between. Had he been trying to quit before you met? Was he catching up on his smokes when you weren't around? Cutting back is torture for a smoker and it doesn't last long. We can't quit for other people, because as soon as you're angry with us, we'll go back to smoking. There is help out here if he would like to stop. You can't do this for him. My guess it has more to do with addiction than a matter of love. Best wishes for a peaceful solution.
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Yes, I have tried to talk to him. He just gets defensive (and no, I haven't yelled at him or anything, sure feel like it though). He tried to quit before (when I first met him); only smoked a tiny bit of a cigarette here and there. That was tolerable. His company benefits paid for the medication, but now they won't. However, he is making $7 more an hour now than he was now, so surely he can afford the $32 a month for the medication??? His excuse is the cost; also the patch. Sounds like all excuses (typical of addict... he used to use excuses all the time with his ex-wife when he drank and that is what broke them up). He beat the drinking, but guess once an addict, always an addict of some choice? Maybe he would be better off with another smoker then it won't matter.
If he chooses not to get the help, there is nothing I can do about it...guess I will have to wait and see or make a decision if he is worth my health. Thanks everyone for the responses; I really appreciate it . :-) (huggs)
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Sometimes education can be the key. If he will read about his addiction and understand it, then he can deal with it. It is a tough road, but it can be done. I doubt that you can do anything, it has to come from him, just be there for him when he needs you.
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I agree with your statement "once an addict always an addict". That is true. Addiction of any type is a life-long condition.
Also, there is some truth to another idea that someone has to replace one addiction with another. *SOME truth* being the operative phrase. The replacing does make it easier to abstain from the original. But it isn't necessary to take that path. Here's the myth-buster on the "cost of the patch and medication to quit". If the person isn't smoking they are not spending money on cigarettes, lighters, etc. From what I've seen, that pretty much offsets the cost of the patches/medication. In my case, it was break-even even before throwing in the cost of gas of the extra miles driven to get to the reservation store that was out of the way. I'm betting he spends way more than $32 a month on smokes. If he has any interest in quitting, send him to these websites for more information: http://wholistiquit.com http://whyquit.com He will *not* be better off with another smoker. That will simply enable him to smoke until it kills him. Whether our not you choose to stay with him until if and when he decides to quit is your decision. You have to weigh the risk to your health (immediate with the asthma, long-term with second hand smoke) versus your feelings for him. Blessings of wisdom, strength, and peace to you, sisterofthemoon. Shevie Quit May, 2005
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I think the key here - is your SO willing to do what it takes to quit. It's nor 'easy' but it doesn't have to be that horrible either- it's all in your attitude and desire. But he has to want to do this. I really recommend him reading Allen Carr's book "The easy way to stop smoking"- it helped me tremendously. You may have to make a hard decision between him and your health if he doesn't want to quit.... I'm sorry you have to go thru this.... but I can now see hoe difficult it would be to be in a relationsahip with a smoker if you don't smoke.... Good luck
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Your partner IS addicted, no doubt there. But, addictions can be overcome if we make the choice to fight it. You are right in that his reason being money is just an excuse. Obviously, the patch would cost less than smoking.
You have some serious health issues and I am discouraged that he doesn't seem to view these as important. But, no one can make the choice of whether to stay with him or not, except you. Hopefully, you two can work this out and he will respect and care about you enough that he cares about what he is doing to your health. Good luck to you!
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Update...and firstly, thank you everyone for your replies. I mentioned some ot the things you said, which meant a lot more coming from former smokers. He agreed to take the zyban again and then the patch. I was at the clinic again today, fighting to breath and coughing up tons and tons of mucous that I was choking on. The doctor point blankly told me that I will die if he does not quit. That scared the heck out of me and him. He said that maybe this is what he needed to be motivated to quit and is determined to make this work. He even joined the support group today. So thanks again, everyone and I pray that with the zyban, patch and your support we can get through this.
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Hi Sisterofthemoon~...I am sorry you had another bad day...and then glad he is understanding the seriousness of the situation...for you and for him...thanks for the update....and best wishes to you both...love and hugs..d.
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