Single Dads Support Group

Gil, I am sorry you had to seek help for this.
You got to let her go really and save your child and yourself.
She's going to burn the bridge she has wherever it is, and you can't mend the broken fence for her the rest of her life, she's got to do it on her own.
You cannot fix anyone, but you, and prevent your daughter from having issues as well when she's older.
I'd been down this very similar path to a degree in so many ways.
your focus should be the child and yourself.
Sounds in your post there could be some co-dependency issues as well.
you should direct the post to the breakup and divorce forum.
If you have specifics related to the child and parenting issues, this could be a good place for it.

Ah, don't get me wrong here bout this. Her coming back which is likely to happen and me taking her back are still very separate things. This is more of a "if" I did take her back. Are there any single fathers out there who've had experience with an ex that has attempted to return and what steps were taken in "mending" things and how did it work.

At this point she's gone and I've already started to move on. Even if I choose not to take her back, if there are any out there that have had a ex that tried to return how did the child react to it, how much did the kid(s) know, etc. Her stopping by every weekend telling me and our daughter she wants to come home will effect the child significantly whatever happens. I'm sure alot of us here at one point or another has rethought things and wondered the "what if's". For me it's more of part of her cycle in which she's likely to do.

At the very least she does need to stay away for a while and get herself some help and experience real life for a while. She's got a place set up, not the most comfortable or anything, but well away from me and my daughter. She's also planning on getting help as she's beginning to realize what rally did happen.

For my part it's taking care of the bills, taking my daughter to therapy to make sure this cycle doesn't continue for another generation. Things could be alot better of course, but it's something I can manage at least.

-Gil

Holy shit,

Just when you I thought I had some of the worst issues. Man you have my sympthys. I totally agree... Protect your child and yourself.

Maybe you can try to workthings out being seperated and get therapy while doing so. She (wife) has to come to terms with her own issues and accept them before you guys can actually try to heal the realitionship. It will take some adjusting but it can be healthy to seperate while she is in thearpy. Maybe once some issues have been dealt with you can join her in some sessions to work on the issues at hand.

Man I wish you best man.

I really do think a clean break is best. In order to get better she must accept there is a problem and seek help HERSELF. You can't force her to get better she has to want to do it.

I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this.

You can't continue to be her crutch to lean on. You need to focus on your daughter and her needs and welfare.

If she really does get help and you still want to be with her then I think couples and family counselling would be the first steps you should take.

I hope she decides to get help especially for your daughters sake.

Good Luck to you and your daughter. Lots of love your way Gillianne xxxxx

It's all part of the cycle she's in, it makes no difference what I do or try to do. Right now she's stuck trying to escape her past. This situation is a bit different as when she comes down getting help is the first thing she'll try to do. She currently going thru something akin to multiple personalities in a way. She's not herself right now and when the cycle ends she'll be doing everything she can to "fix" things.

It's true I've done what I could on many levels for damage control, but as far as she herself goes nothing I could do would make any difference anyways cause all she see's is what happened in he past. Even if I tried to make a difference in her life right now she couldn't see it or act on it. She's reliving the past completely atm and reacting on things that happened 20 years ago. What happens today is meaningless.

The actual "fix" to her base problems is a simple few months of therapy she never received and the doctors/therapists never tried to do for her. She know's full well that she has a problem, has a good idea of what it is and has done everything she could to get it treated. Her getting herself taken care of is actually a minor issue at this point now that we know what's really going on. It's her ability to do so that's MIA. She's always been willing to do whatever it takes to get herself help, she just always got the wrong help in the past, that's the worst part in all of this.

The truth is she should be hospitalized. She's over medicated by 3x's the maximum dose of a tranq, medication sensitive, and very much lacks the ability to even make simple decisions for herself. At the longest it'll take a couple months for her to come off her meds and start functioning again.

Me choosing to be with her is also a separate issue, at this point I'm more looking at the different options. A clean break isn't possible as a very dirty and messy break has already happened. There's nothing more that I have to do to keep the break permanent. It's more along the lines of what kind of effect does an ex-mate have to one's life after completely walking out on everything then turns around and asks to come back and wants to rebuild things.

Family therapy is already in place and would be one of the things she'd have to do to return (should do anyways for the lil one). She of course would have to repair most of the damage herself, I'll of course help her as I can, but never to the point of doing it for her. Safety measures would have to be in place for the child of course as well to make sure this doesn't happen again. Most everything is already in place for/if she decides to return, it's just up to her to do what's necessary. For permanent separation, that's pretty much where I'm at and what I'm working on now.

Think of all this more along the lines of one's mate slipping into a coma and you trying to deal with the problem the relationship is suffering due to lack of communication. She was forced into her position by bad therapy, meds, and "friends". Even so, only she can truly repair things, which is exactly what's going to happen from her anyways.

So, just some generic questions at this point, already been over most of these already, just mainly curious so I don't miss anything-

-Is it better for the child if the family is together for the most part during the healing process?

-Should the child even know how her parents feel about each other and what the goals are? Keep the child thinking they'll never have their parents together again, just in case things don't work out?

-Social life, any point in dealing with those that either don't or didn't understand or refused to accept what has happened? Ex - I can already tell ya that I won't have further contact with those few people that believed her delusions, even after she tells them the truth.

-Insert anything that I may have already thought of or may have missed. This is a long and complex issue and even if I think I've got everything down, no reason to use it as an excuse to make a mistake.

Also, don't get me wrong about the child either. She is and has been the primary focus on all this. As everything already's been or is being taken care of - medical/legal/mental health/etc, there's not much more to say or do until the gf starts trying to come home. For that I'll need a better response than "oh, ok" or "I know it wasn't yer fault, but I'm going to blame you anyways cause I'm angry so no".

-Gil

I'd replied, and yes, I think there's more than one of us who'd had one of these in our lives.
You should if you've not, post on the breakup and divorce group, this is more directed there and you'll be surprised at the number of responses you'll get.
As well, on that board, there's a plethora of resources about how to overcome a breakup etc. what
I am really hearing, is you're saying that you're going to stick it out, and provide loving open arms upon her return. That isn't healthy for you, nor your daughter as it sets a very bad example that is ok. to let ppl with their junk mess up not accept responsibility for their actions, then come back when you've done cleaned up all the mess. It in essence, can let your daughter grow to be just like you, then take in a man, just like her mom. it's a cycle that must be broken.
It should be broken at the level of you now.
I'd recommend specifically one book for you to read that's on that recommendation site and I can't think of the author, but the title is "codependent no more."
I am not saying you are, I am only making a recommendation as you're clearly looking for some answers. Some may be there for you. all the best

Ah, hmm... was more interested in a single dad's view of how attempts from the ex to reconcile effects their lives and the lives of their kids. Also, if missed, here's this from before -

"Me choosing to be with her is also a separate issue"

Maybe I wasn't clear enough about saying this is something she will try to do, not anything I have a choice in doing. What part's have others been able to rebuild and to what level - mutual friends, birthdays, graduations, grandparents, etc. Again, not for the relationship to be back together, but what parts of the family has anyone attempted to rebuild and how did that work.

She has done so much damage that me taking her back is something separate that I'll have to think about and decide. As I understand her reasoning for doing what she did, it doesn't magically repair everything that has happened. If me not saying I might not even take her back translates into taking her back with open and loving arms then I'm not sure how much more I can clarify that.

So, as atm I'm a single father, aka have a child and an ex, and was wondering if anyone had any experiences where the ex has tried to return and, well just the above questions to start. This has absolutely nothing to do with actually taking her back mind ya, it's how has it affected the "family" (Single Dad, with a kid and etc). I'm more curious about how it's affected the child of those involved.

As we were never married, it's not really a divorce issue. The breakup has happened, and her trying to return home doesn't really seem to strike up as a "breakup" nor am I having issue's with that part at all really. I'm sure there's cases of "Single Dad's" who've shared housing for the sake of the kids during a break up, who've had to put up with relationship flashbacks, reconcile attempts on either side, etc.

The breakup really isn't the issue at all. She also will not try to return while she's in the state she's in. Only after she "snaps" out of it and returns to her old self will she make that attempt and she'll do everything necessary to get herself help. If she were to return there would have to be extensive "Safety's" in place so our daughter doesn't have to go through this over and over again. Twice was too much as is.

I suppose if there's never been a case of a Single Dad who's ex's have made the attempt to return home and make everything "right" again I guess there's nothing on this forum for me to find or story's to share.

At the very least I'm surprised to find out that there's not been cases of a Single Dad's ex try to tell the kids that "Mommy would come home, but daddy said no" and how that affected the kids. That type of thing I'd be curious about, even though all kids will react differently to some point on all things.

Again though, this has nothing to do with me waiting for her or even wanting her back, her trying to come home is simply a given of what she goes thru and has nothing to do with any choice of mine.

Anyways, I suppose I go and look elsewhere for other single dad's experiences with an ex that'll keep trying to come back.

-Gil

PS I do take a bit of offense at letting my daughter suffer through any of this. I've just gone through the worst 2 weeks of my life and everything done was to protect the child first and foremost. This includes medical, legal, mental health, and pretty much any suppourt I can get for the child. The childs safety has been well covered at this point, looking to the future of her safety and her recovery raises many questions about how to keep mother and daughter healthy contact and how to address the issue of the mother wanting to return. Hence the questions about how to deal with this specific question, not anything about how to get her back, or dealing with a break up. I'd like my daughter to have as much healthy contact with the mother as possible and was looking for other's experience's on rebuilding some portions of the old "family" in a way that's healthy for the child. Cutting the mother out (while needed to a point now) is'nt good for the long term, so some part of the old life and "normal" environment must be returned to the child if possible. It seems to be, for the childs sake if nothing else, reconciling at some level must be done in situations like this. Only in extreme cases should it be necessary to cut out one parent %100.

Gil. I am in a similar situation, same type of woman with the same history, not to the extreme of yours. I was blessed with two boys in my care, and she does come around a couple of hours a week. I tend to be around when she does show, but I go to another part of the house so she can be alone with kids, but I am still there if it gets out of control. She does have her own signals to herself when she is stressed, and she leaves on her own. She even wants me to attend when she takes them somewhere. Why?? It could be a separate issue, or she does not know how to handle the kids or herself, and I am the mediator. The kids do not want her to ever watch them for a period of time, as they think her mean and self-rightous, but I do remind them that she is their mother and to give her that respect. She has not harmed them physically, but mentally she has scarred them. She has the courts decision to see them, and all I can do is to counteract the damage she has done and try to avert anything she might do. All I can suggest, is to be that safety pillar for your daughter, and let her know that you are her protector and confidant in life. She is your priority. As far as her mom goes, she does need to know her mom, the good/bad/ugly, as it might give her a good position in life who to be and what not to be.