Infertility, Secondary Support Group

It IS heartbreaking, and anyone who hasn't gone through secondary IF and/or miscarriages can't understand at all. It is a very tough emotion, b/c then we feel guilty for feeling it about people we love.

It's no joke when I say in the two+ years I've been TTC #2, several friends and family who were just thinking about having a baby or baby #2 or #3, have gone from tossing the idea around to being PG to having their babies and now holding them in their arms, and that's when it hits me how sad this all is. All of them have passed me up, and I was trying long before them. It's frustrating, and I just use this site as an outlet and complain to my DH about it a lot. My poor husband listening to my petty complaints. Hang in there, we all understand.

Thanks! I do feel guilty and really mean for being so annoyed by her pregnancy.Isn't it also funny how some people's pregnancies have more impact than others - normally for no reason?I also feel like all my friends with fertility problems have moved forward and left me behind.
I'm happy I've found some support!!

Everything you are feeling is completely normal! I too have been passed up by all my friends who have all had their 2nd babies when I've been trying long before them all. ugh! It's very difficult but I just try to remind myself that it's going to happen for me when the time is right... and focus on my sweet little boy who gets ALL my attention right now... who would be getting much less attention if I had a baby right now. So, trying to focus on the positive of my situation helps me immensely. Also, this sounds bad, but hearing my friends complain about not getting any sleep b/c of the newborn makes me smile sometimes :) because I'm well rested!!! hee hee

This is one of the hardest aspects of IF for me. I have two SILs who will be delivering in the next 3 months. It just rakes my heart through the coals to see their round bellies and cute maternity clothes and hear them talk about painting the nursery. I worry all of the time about how I will handle when they actually have those little boys. I was VERY grateful when my one SIL flat out told me that she felt I avoided her at a recent family dinner and that she felt so guilty having this pregnancy when she knew I'd been ttc for so long. I appreciated her honesty and it gave me the chance to tell her that I really do love her and would rather she have a healthy baby then not and that I did not mean anything to her personally by my actions but that this whole darn IF stuff was killing me. She and I have done much better since that conversation. She checks on me occasionally and I do feel more genuinely happy for her because I know she cares. I am so glad she was open to me about that and that she didn't take offense (I find it so painful/crazy that some people get offended because I'm frustrated, lonely or sad--do you gals experience that?). So while I don't know exactly the best answer to that question, I do know that it helped in that situation to be honest about my pain. Sometimes the honesty makes us vulnerable to others' judgements and that can be painful, but it may also help to open things up a little and give others a chance to led support (which is another thing I'm learning to do). Best Wishes.

Thanks for all of your support. I know she's not the type to approach me about it but I've been thinking about talking to her about how I feel. I'm a bit nervous because I was already in trouble with my MIL for being offish at my other SIL's babyshower last year. They just don't seem to get it at all. I am worried if I approach them then they'll accuse me of taking the limelight off newly pregnant SIL!
You're right about how much better it is when friend's are honest. I have a friend who is due in August but she's been so thoughtful that I really am happy for her.

This is a very hard terrain for us secondary infertilies. Mainly I don't deal with it too well- just harbour my resentments to myself around pregnant women! But I have managed to have a few heart-to-hearts with a close friend who's second child is due in late August. We've had our moments, and our friendship has taken some punches but the straight-up honesty does seem to work.

I know exactly how you feel. My brother-in-law and his fiance have been pregnant around the same time that I miscarried 3 times. I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks ago, the same day they found out they were expecting their 3rd child. They started thinking of names right away. I don't dare do that after having had 4 miscarriages. She's now 9 weeks pregnant and I am heartbroken yet again after miscarrying shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I don't even want to go over there because I'll have to look at this woman who's about as far along as I should've been. I am very happy for them but I am not ready to see her yet. It's still too fresh. It gets easier as time goes on though. I feel ashamed of myself for feeling this way but I don't know how to make it go away. Best wishes and lots of baby dust to you!!!

Don't feel ashamed of yourself - surely they must understand. I'm pleased it's getting easier for you because I think I got more and more angry as their pregnancies went on. I really hope your baby dreams come true soon so it becomes easier to cope with seeing her. Hang in there!

Thanks for making me feel better. You were the one asking how to cope and I obviously didn't help; I just gave you my sob story. Then you in turn, say something to help me. Thanks very much. Maybe we will both end up pregnant soon and won't have to figure out how to cope with it again. Blessings to you in your endeavor for baby #2.

This is just so hard, and no one that hasn't been in our shoes can understand. I lost a baby when all 3 of my husband's siblings were expecting at the same time. It was so hard to be happy for them and not feel sad for myself. . .it did nothing to damage how much I love them or my nieces/nephew. But it was hard to deal with it alone. . .it felt like as soon as I wasn't pg anymore everyone just forgot about me. That was a year ago. . .before I know it they'll all be awaiting the next ones and I'll still be here, wishing and dreaming of #2.