Rape is, in most jurisdictions, a crime defined as sexual intercourse or penetration without valid consent by both parties. In many jurisdictions, the penetration of the anus or th...
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He took it.
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He took my innocence, my life, my body, and my virginity. I was 11 and now I am 17 and I can't stop thinking about it. I thought I was over it but I really just forgot. I didn't deal. I cut myself throughout middle school because I felt so numb, and I wanted to die so badly. He took me and I screamed but no one came. In my own bed at my own house. I was sleeping and he was dating my sister. He was 18. After it happened my mom let him move in because he had nowhere to go. I just told my mom two months ago. I can't stop thinking about it and no one understands. My mom made me go see my old therapist and he helps a little. My boyfriend understands but he approaches the situation wrong for my needs. I don't know what to do. I don't want to cry because I have spilt too many tears over it and I don't want to have another break down. I wake up screaming and I get nightmares and I woke up last week writing things on my walls like "stop it" "Go away" etc. I don't know how this is going to help me but I figured that I should try a support group again. The first group I went to on another site said that it was my fault I was raped.
Posted on 03/15/08, 10:03 pm |
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First and formost it was not your fault. And dear I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please be kind to yourself and if you need to talk I am always around and I will help in any way that I can. ((HUGS)) and please be safe 
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I'm really sorry that happened to you...I know how horrible it is, I'm 17 and I was raped when I was 10. I've never wrote those kind of things out, but I'll start screaming in the middle of the night for him to stop, to get off me. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
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As part of my self-inflicted therapy, I drew very detailed likenesses of my rapists. I actually won a blue ribbon in the 8th grade in our County Fair by drawing them in a 'Mount Rushmore' type stance with myself as the face on the far right. No one understood it, but I did. When I drew the newer rendition, I had started to draw one of the men, but apparently got off course and obliterated his face and covered the page with the most vile, disgusting words. Words that never come out of my mouth. I gave it to my therapist, along with the drawings. I remember every pencil stroke of the drawings, but I have absolutely NO RECALL of writing any of the words or scribbling across the face of the drawing. It was very frightening for me because of having no memory of it. It is frighteneing to know that the evil words on that page were hiding somewhere deep within me. But I am not evil, or bad. And neither are you for having thoughts we probably all have had at one point in our recovery process. Actually, I am told anger, in the proper amount, and handled in the proper way, is quite healthy. As for your boyfriend approaching it wrong for your needs, are you able to tell him what you need from him? I know how hard it is to communicate those needs to a person you love, but I do believe communication is one of the absolutes of recovery. Are you able to talk to your mom? I told no one, and when it came out, I was locked away in a Mental Health Unit and when I was released, the egg shells and whispers were almost too hard to bear. Because no one knew what I needed, and I didn't know how to tell them. If you can find the words, no matter how you may stumble through them, try to talk. If I can help at all, I,m here frequently, although I work 12 hour days, and travel 45 minutes to get to my job. But message me, and don't think a delay in response means I don't care.
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your not to blame, i fully understand the nightmares/flashbacks, if you ever want to talk im here, keep safe,
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You all make me so happy. The support and everything is so great and the fact that there is someone to talk to that understands and can actually help is so overwhelming. thank you so much!
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