Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that the person experiences as h...
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The Mind and the Body War
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I had a very discouraging day!
I had very low energy and depression arise in me. It started out with lots of nightmares and then a stupid discussion with my mom. Then my mood could not be changed as I tried. I felt helpless and wanting to hurt myself for being such a idiot for feeling those heavy emotions. I wanted to be strong but I felt weak. My health and my mental health is a war battle. It does not end till both ends. It a hard battle to fight. I feel like no one in this world really understand the challenge of having those two enemies. Enemy A is my mental illness and enemy B is my phyisical health. Then I feel that I have a "two" me. One is very smart, encouraging, confident, happy, strong-willed and motivated. Then the other me is very cruel, demanding, negative talking, sad, gulity, scared, mad and hopeless. This other me is making the other happy me feel powerless. I had a dream about hurting myself. It felt so strange. I cut my both of my hands and it bleeds. It felt good to have it bleed out. I wanted that statement. I knew what I was doing in the dream was wrong and an act of violence to myself. But I felt powerful and felt in control. I felt that I was able to phyisically fight the negative part of me in action. In mind it is hard to battle it. It is a very frusrting battle. I feel gulity for not being stronger. I was suppose to go to work today this afternoon. I decided not to go because I was not feeling good about myself and felt dragged. But on the other hand, I felt that if I did not go to work then I will end up disappointing myself even further and to my to be husband further. I have strong work ethics in me and I believe in not making excuses. But today I think I had fallen that wagon and did not make my judge correctly. I misjudge to stay home. I should have gone. But then the other agurment is ... if I had gone and still have that dark emotions I may influence my co-workers and people surround me. I did not want to do that. I want to go in with a positive feeling. So, like I said, it a ugly war field in my mind on trying to decide things. I am so ambivience with myself today. Powerless today. I have been working so hard trying to get myself back into shape- phyisically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and interapersonally. The phyisical part of me with exercises is slowly making it progress on me. The mental part of me is weak with no voice and no counselor to vent at yet. The emotional part of me is making waves and not stable. The spiritual part of me is hopeless and frusrated. Also in doubt with the faith. The interapersonal of me is very isolated and reserved with my family and my love. The war of my phyisical health and mental health is deadly painful. Posted on 07/09/08, 07:07 pm |
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How are you doing today? It is a struggle to have so many things to deal with. What I try to do is work on one thing at a time. Right now I am in counseling and that is my one thing. I can't focus on alot at once. Also, I am working on the issue that I have the most problems with and that is guilt. It gets overwhelming trying to deal with alot at once. 
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I just posted 2 book recommendations here on this PTSD Forum! I see that God is part of your life!
I HIGHLY recommend both of these books for you to read. Especially the 'Waking the Dead' book by John Eldredge. I am currently Reading 'Waking the Dead' and it talks about the battle for the heart, and like the mind and body war you talked about. We are at war...a Spiritual Warfare War. Read the comments about this book, it explains it. I LOVE it! Also, the 'Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul' book by John and Stasi Eldredge is another great book. See the book rec for details about it. You can click on the 'Recommendations' green link above, or see it in the current postings!
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Also, check out this post I posted awhile ago, called 'Searching For Purpose'
http://dailystrength.org/c/Sexual_...
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Hi sister.
I sure do understand that battle! Mine is a little narrower: The Logical and the Emotional, and gosh, it's sometimes like having too kids in the house, fighting all the time! One says to do it this way, the other pouts and refuses. Then they argue... The first one tries to argue with words, "Why not? I'm smarter than you." The other just screams and cries. Tiring, isn't it? Just want you to know you're not alone. I once DID get them to become one person again, and it lasted for quite a few years (with only occasional outbursts). Now they're fighting again, but since I'm just starting counseling for the first time, I guess that's to be expected. Do you have a therapist you trust? Hopefully your healing program will help you reconcile their differences and get them to all agree to work together to enjoy life as it comes. Hugs (from both of me)! Wistala
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