Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that the person experiences as h...
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No one understands me, no one cares :( I am alone
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So I am 19 years old...
Two years ago i graduated from highschool with honors... I had a smile on my face all the time and I was happy, truly happy. I had a great family and friends and a whole new life ahead of me. I knew what I wanted to do in life and I was not going to let anything get in the way of my dreams; I wanted to change the world and make a difference. I took a year off before going to college... It was the best year of my life because I found my first love and I had a new family... :) However, it was the worst year of my life because I lived many things that destroyed me on the inside and that have affected me deeply. My host family humilliated me; they verbally abused me, they treated me like trash, they made fun of me, they imposed fear in me. They would use my name and that of my family; they would make me clean and do things to them like massages when they were naked and they would take pictures of it. I was locked in a room, not being able to go out because of fear and they would not buy food for me or respect me. They would go through my stuff and it was like they were hunting me all the time.I was afraid... They would threaten me, and then the dad tried to abuse me several times. Every time I would be taking a shower he would come to the room... sometimes, when I was sleeping I could feel how the door would open and he would be coming to my bed... Then I come back home to find a broken home... my parents fighting... I was invisible! I needed help, I had to overcome all the trauma from my year abroad, but no one was there. I became aggressive, full of fear, I lost my joy for living and I did not want to do anything with my life... little by little I lost my smile and I had no reasons to live... I went to college. Freshman year, which is suppossed to be awesome was marked by a rape on the first quarter. 1 out of 4 women will experience that. I became the statistic. And just as they say, it was someone I knew and considered a good friend. The psychiatrist says it is typical when someone has experienced a trauma and suffers PTSD to have something worst happen. I pushed many people out of my life; I tried to commit suicide... I cried, I was angry... I became irrational. I stopped studying... I started failing... I started gaining weight... and I just could not deal with my life anymore... :( That's when I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed PTSD. I am under medication but it seems like things get worst and nothing becomes better... I want to smile again, I want to have fun, to be the girl I used to be... to be a normal 19 year old girl... but instead I isolate myself... I don't go out, I don't want to do anything. I don't even know if I chose the best career path for me. I just don't know what to do... a year later and things at home aren't better... my dad is probably leaving the house. And my mom is so hurt, and as she thinks I took my dad's side, she won't talk to me. There is no manual for people to handle this and I just don't know what to do anymore... :( I am desperate and I need to get better... I have lost friends and messed up relationships because of this.... Somedays I feel eerything will be fine and I feel that I can do it, I can overcome this. But others I feel like there is no hope. I just want to die. Plus no one understands... my boyfriend did not stand my problems... he broke up with me today stating that he had never met such a case like mine... that I have too many problems in life and that he does not know how to deal with it. So he thinks I should be alone and figuring my life out and getting out of this "stupid" drama. He first became distant because it just seems that everything is going wrong in my life and I'm just not doing anything. My dad just tells me to be strong, to stop crying and being depressed and move on... If it was that easy... Posted on 06/29/08, 05:06 pm |
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I'm so sorry to hear that you've experienced such horror and now have not support.
Stay focused on your dreams and stay in therapy too. Both will help you move your life forward. You are so young, you CAN change the world. Don't give up on your dreams. You are a special person with talent and a future. On days when it feels like it's all crashing in, just allow yourself to veg out and do nothing. Trying to "fight" PTSD only seems to make it worse (at least in my case). As for your boyfriend, I'm sorry he broke it off but just know that there IS someone out there for you. A man who will treat you with respect and love you for who you are. I'm glad you've found DS. This is a great place to find support and understanding. We do "care" and we do "understand." We're here for you. Wishing you peace and healing. 
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I know what ya mean to want to find that smile again, and find that joy again...I want it too!
I'm sorry for all you've been through...but there is Hope in Healing! You can't control the situation between your Mom and Dad...I know it's hard on you, but if you try fixing things for them, you're going to end up feeling worse. Let them work it out...and try to be congenial to both sides. I would recommend therapy, if you're not already in it yet. You need to find a good Trauma Therapist. One place to look for a good PTSD Therapist is on EMDR.com Therapist's that do EMDR, are skilled in Trauma Therapy. They say when you start healing, it gets worse before it gets better...but it does get better! Think Positive. Also, it's hard for others to understand PTSD. Many will want you to just 'Get over it.' But, that is wrong, you can't just 'get over it', you have to go through the healing process to get better. Make sure your Pdoc is knowledgable in PTSD...not all Pdoc's know how to treat PTSD properly. Check out my Member Group, PTSD Supporters, for some links to websites that you can show to your friends and family to help them understand. In the 'NEWS SECTION' there is a huge list of Resources...Check it out! http://dailystrength.org/groups/fa... Also, in my 11/3/07 Journal, there is a huge list of PTSD Resources...there are 2 entries, and both are open to the public. One is on Sexual Abuse, the other PTSD. So, if you get the wrong one, just click the other one. This is a great supportive group! Welcome!
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Hi sister,
I'm glad you found Daily Strength. We understand, and we do care. You're among friends here. Here's a hug for you, from Maine to Colorado. [[[hug]]] You've had an awful couple years. Have you checked around at home or on campus for counseling? As Daisy says, make sure you find a counselor who has experience with PTSD. You can talk with us anytime, but having a counselor to talk one-on-one with would help a lot. PTSD sucks, and it can feel like it rules your life sometimes. But it doesn't always have to... I've made it 23 years since my biggest trauma. I found a loving, respectful husband, built a house, and have a good career. Yes, I still have PTSD, but it usually stays in the background (except at night after a trigger during the day). You can get there, too. We're with you. One thing that helps me when I'm having a down period is to identify something beautiful each day, and spend a few moments really looking at it. Sometimes it's puffy clouds over the mountains, sometimes a flower in the garden, sometimes one of my dogs sleeping.... but really recognize the beauty in the moment and memorize it. It won't make the bad stuff go away, but it helps balance you with some good stuff. I hope you'll seek out a good counselor. Please keep us posted. Wistala
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I'll choose not to read the other entries because I have alot to say from my own experience with PTSD. Everything you're feeling, I'm feeling now or have felt. I'm so sorry for the shitty treatment you got abroad and at home. Remember, we are in charge of our destiny. If we want to be victims, then we will be victims. I choose to be strong for my girls and husband, but I fall short on a daily basis. PTSD is so real and so hard to get a handle on. A book that's been going around the site is "I Can't Get Over It" Check it out and let us know your update. I'm always here with a shoulder and ear. Your mom needs someone to blame and guess what? You're it. Not nice or pleasent, but a fact. Now, we have to figure out how to heal. Read my journal entry from today if you get a moment. Our dreams and goals are our future. You're too young to let these evil people crush you hopes and dreams. Tell your therapist you want results and are willing to work towards them. I'm right here if I can help in any way sweetie. I hope I shedded some light on your situation. With Hope and Prayers. Barb-Detroit
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