Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Support Group

JimK,
I think you have done a great job releasing some of your thoughts and memories here on Daily Strength!

In my experience, writing or journaling about some of things that are bothering about my SA (Sexual Abuse) are therapeutic for me. AND, I was just diagnosed with PTSD in 4/07..so I am just starting to deal with a lot of these issues for me. Yes, for me, I think when I delve into writing these things, it takes somewhat of a toll on me, mentally and physically. I have avoided DS for awhile after being on here for awhile.

I think you need to find another therapist BEFORE you stop seeing your other therapist. IS your other therapist retiring or moving?? I don't see why she can't link you up with other area therapists..she should be able to refer to someone. It's so hard to find a good therapist.
You could try looking in the phonebook for therapists that specialize in PTSD and/or sexual abuse, calling your insurance company.
It's definitely a long journey to heal, and I am in the beginning stages myself, but am hopeful for the future, sometimes that hope is hard to see.
I am lucky to have two wonderful children, whom I love and adore with all my heart and soul...and they are the soul reason I keep on going. They are the light, they are my future, they hold my hope, they resonate my innocence lost.
I am also lucky to have a husband to stand by me. He has stood by my side through all of the thick, and let me tell you, the last 4 years have been nothing but challenges and downhill struggles for us. We've hit rock-bottom quite a few times, and struggle to climb up.

I lost my Grandma, whom I loved and adored, she was my favorite Grandma, I know she believed me, I lost here in 2005. I really 'lost it' when she died. I think with the loss of her went the true belief that I was SA. I still struggle with grief from losing her.

But, ever since I lost her, I felt a strong need to go to Church. I have never been a Churchy person before. I tried for a year and ahalf to get my husband to go with me...it was like pulling teeth to get him to go.
We finally started attending church in 4/07...and let me tell you, it was one of the best things I have ever done. we attend a non-denominational church, all ages, casual dress...come in shorts/jeans. They have a live band that sings and plays about 3-4 songs each service. My first visit, I broke down in tears...I felt it really touched my soul. They were doing a section on 'The Second Mile' and discussing marriage, relationships, family, career...something that really touched home for us at this time. I sang the pop christian songs they played. It is one of the only few things that I actually look forward to every week now.
I've also started listening to some christian music, and other music that realtes to how I'm feeling and is inspirational. I am moved at how music moves me. I like the: Casting Crowns, Mercy Me, Avril Lavigne, Maroon 5. Check out some of their websites and their song lyrics.

You will NOT be judged here at DS. We all have stories here that we are not proud of. We are here to support each other through our healing.

I have actually felt the shame of the sexual abuse release from me. I want people to know what happened to me, and want people to know HOW it has affected me as an ADULT. It not only affected my childhood, but my ADULTHOOD also. It's NOT fair, and it angers me to no end that I am missing out on my fmaily and my children's lives. But, I will not let him win.

I am here for a reason, and maybe I can make a positive out of this SA situation for someone, or many people someday, and in return get my 'revenge' that I so wish I had.

Here's a few quotes I'd like to post for your inspiration:

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.
But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart,
THAT'S TRUE STRENGTH.

"Things happen in your life that you can't change-
but that's no reason to shut out the world."

"Once I truly discovered who God is I lost my fear." Ghandi

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be quiet and alone, with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one know that all is as it should be. God does love us and wants us to be happy." Anne Frank

Ephesians 6:10
A final word: Be strong with the Lord's mighty power.

You can't do it.
You feel like giving up.
You are tired and worn out.
God's mighty power is within you.
You can't do it, but God can.
Where in your life have you experienced God's power?
Where in your life do you need God's power?

I'm with DD! I gotta tell you, all the people who respond to their crap by punishing others have lots of things in common, including trying to makes us think that WE are the problem... That's crazy! We are the ones who refuse to perpetuate such abuses and who chose to work through it and want only to turn the darkness into something beautiful.

For me, I often feel like I am standing outside the most disgusting pig pen. I am watching people snuffle around through the mud, on all fours with their snouts covered in filth. They rarely stop to take a breath and they never look up at what's around them. Meanwhile, I am leaning on the rail, standing in luscious green grass under the most beautiful blue sky, glancing around at the trees swaying laden branches in the breeze. I used to holler down and go "What in the world are you doing that for? Do you see how beautiful it is? Come out of there and play with me in the grass and the floors and the breeze! Do you see the birds flying in the sky? Come out! Come out and play!"

I don't holler any more. I don't try and drag anyone out. I just shake my head. I tell every new one I meet to let me know when they're ready to come out. Meanwhile I look around and try to find people to play with who aren't rolling in the muck and wallowing in filth. I prefer playmates who value the light and the breeze and the freedom to skip and laugh. When I am really extra happy, I notice that I jump. Yup, I actually find myself hopping along. I've noticed that lights everyone else's faces up as much as it does mine... :)

I am not going to let them win. What a waste of a perfectly good human being if they won! Seriously, who likes a story where the bad guy wins! Huh?!?

As far as space, there's tons of it around here. I dunno why they all crowd into that little filthy pen and never look up. They don't even look out between the rails! I just know that I want more people to roll in the grass with me - to climb in trees with me - to smell the flowers and stare up into the sky watching clouds or counting stars - someone who can teach me not to get wigged out by the man in the moon. ;)

So, you see, you must simply stick around because it's rather empty in the sunshine and you want to make certain there are lots of people to lay with because it makes for a better game of tag! ;-p

Some people have suggested that I need to continue working with my current therapist before finding another. That option is not open to me.

The therapist I have been seeing works at a mental health clinic. She told me she could not continue working with me because that is what her superiors have told her. I do not believe that is the entire truth, and have told her that I feel as if I am entitled to a fuller explanation. She refuses to say anything further on the subject.

At the same time I have been seeing a therapist at the clinic, I have also been seeing a psychiatrist there who prescribes some of my medications. I saw him about ten days ago and asked him if he could refer me to some other therapists. He said he would have to consult with someone else at the clinic who could probably give him a list of names of psychologists who worked with PTSD.

I also have a friend who is a nurse, and she is trying to learn if there is any funding available through Medicaid for this type of therapy. She is afraid I am going to hurt myself, and emailed me saying: "Just remember --> you promised you'd call me before doing anything drastic!!!!!!!! We'll just keep trying things until we get the right combination of providers that can meet your needs.”

The only type of insurance I have is Medicare and Medicaid. Therefore, I am limited in the amount of money that I can spend on any treatment.

This coming Wednesday I am seeing my therapist for what is supposed to be the last time. I now have a negative feeling towards her, and her ability to help me. She knows that I need help dealing with the PTSD, and she has told me that it takes a long time to deal with traumas. She has also said that she has been seeing me longer than most people are seen, which is about one year. I do not believe she has the skills necessary to work with people who have PTSD. Her main job is working with people who have problems with alcohol and substance abuse.

I am not giving up on looking for help. However, for the time being I am somewhat stymied as to where I should go from here.

i'm sorry for what you've been through, and for the hurt you are experiencing now.

i am really proud of you for finding the courage to ask your t. about whether or not what you experienced was SA. she's right, it was...

i am really sorry that you are facing the end of therapy right now and that she won't be able to stay with you to help, but she should be able to give you a good referral. it's important that you continue to get professional support! it made me kind of mad to read what she said, i would be feeling abandoned (but hey, that's my issues coming up...), hopefully she has a really good reason; whether or not don't let it keep you from seeing out another counselor, and you might ask what kind of time committment they can make to you. i know my t. said it would have been unethical for him to have taken me on as a client if he didn't have a long period of time to work with me, because what i'm dealing with will take a long time, and having someone leave me that way would so play into my issues...i'm thankful for that assurance.

as for having feelings for your mother--it makes sense to me that you would love the good parts of her, the parts where she was nurturing and loving and good to you. as you said, she had two sides to her, adn i'm sure that you didn't like being abused, or dealing with her frightening or mean sides...you don't have to be sorry for loving her, or stop, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. it's very common to love people (esp. moms) even if they have abused you. as a little child there's no way to separate your need and dependence on her from your love for her. it doesn't mean that you wanted to be abused!

shame and embarassement are a hallmark of sexual abuse, but it is not your shame to carry. the person who should have been ashamed was your mom, for abusing your trust, and violating your body.

one thing that might help, a little, is for you to see some little kids (3 or 4) with good parents...see how little they are, how trusting, how affectionate...and then ask yourself, if what was done to you was being done to them, what would you feel for them? what would you do for them if you knew about it? what could they do to save themselves? where could they turn? how could they even know it was anything different from being told to eat the cauliflower that they can't stand but know they must do to obey...?
perhaps if you can see their vulnerability and innocence, you can give the little you a break, and see who deserves the real shame of what happened to you...

you can be helped, you are on the right track expressing yourself here and in therapy...it won't always be this hard.
em

Don't give up trying to find a new therapist...it's hard to find a good one, but keep trying!! My husband and I have been through 3 therapists together in 3 years, and now we're both seeing individual therapists too, along with a couple's therapist.

If you're current therapist doesn't seem to treat PTSD and SA, then you definitely need one that understands what you're going through.

I so would love to be in that place to enjoy the outdoors, to enjoy my small children, to enjoy life to the fullest extent...but I have just begun my healing journey in 4/07 and I have a ways to go to get there.

During the first weekend with those men, I was told repeatedly never to say anything about it to members of my family or anyone else. They said it was our secret. I guess they wanted to give themselves some extra assurance that I would keep my mouth shut, so they put on a performance that I do not think I will ever forget. They seemed to know that I had a dog and they said they wanted me to see the theirs. I was bundled up and they took me outside. We went a little ways from the house until I saw a dog chained. One of the men told me that if I ever said anything to anyone about what they were doing with me, then this was what would happen to my dog. Having said those words, he raised a rifle and shot his dog. It was dead. That scared me more than anything else did. I knew then and there that I would never say a word to anyone.

(I cannot remember everything, which occurred after that. Bits and pieces of things come to my mind randomly. As I go on from here, I may be jumping around a bit just because nothing seems to be in the proper sequence of events.)

I know that when I went home, I was asked if I enjoyed myself. I said yes. My parents seemed to be happy about it, and said that they would be letting me go away with their friend at least once a month. I did not like that idea.

After some months, I was with them again, and things started changing somewhat. I saw a new side of them, which I definitely did not like. They said I had been around them long enough that I should take a more active role. I did not know what that meant, but they explained it to me. In summary, I was to ask them if there was anything I could do to bring them more pleasure. I was told that if I did not do it, they would punish me. I tried doing what they asked, but there were several times when I no longer wanted to do it.

One of the men asked me why I had not been asking them if I could please them more. I simply stated that I did not want to do that. Quicker than I could imagine he slapped me. The sting of the slap brought tears to my eyes. I had started to slump to the side, but someone else set me up straighter. Another slap stung my face. This was done several times until I begged them to stop. I can remember crying for what seemed to be forever. Each of the men unzipped their pants and told me to ask them if there was anything I could do to please them. By that time, I knew exactly what they wanted, and I did it.

During that same weekend, they must have become angry at me for some other reason because I remember the results. When they put me to bed that night they placed me on my stomach and tied my arms above my head and my legs to each side of the bed. They took turns spanking me. Then they started hitting my buttocks with some type of belt or paddle. I was told that it would happen again whenever I refuse to do what I was told. They also said to me that pain and pleasure was a great combination, which I would learn in the coming months.

Before they let me go home, they made sure that I did not have any bruises, which could be seen by my parents.

I am sorry you did not receive much of a response right away. I know how tremendously difficult it is to risk opening up, even the slightest bit, and sit waiting, and not receive what you were hoping would be there. I hear such pain and suffering in what you are writing. My heart breaks for you, for that place, in those emotions is so excruciating to trudge through each day. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much!! I am sorry there was no one there to protect you when you most needed it, and that now, you are living through sooooooooooo much that seems to have sooo much power over you, making your life such a tremendous struggle. Having walked in cement shoes, I just want to offer you an ear, a shoulder, some support.

Wishing you peace and healing.

I need to jump to the present for a while. The events of the past have apparently taken more of a toll on me than I had originally thought. I really want to be with people, but I cannot. I seem to be afraid of almost everyone I meet. It is almost as if I fear that they are going to grab me and whisk me off to some deserted place where they can inflict their own violence and perverted lusts on me. I see myself obeying their every whim. A psychiatrist told me that I am afraid of both men and women. How can I go on living in such a state?

Then, in addition, I feel extremely guilty writing about my mother's role in this. It is not because she was innocent -- she was not. She was my mother. She raised me, nurtured me, helped me when I was in pain, and encouraged me when I doubted my own abilities and myself. She had many good qualities and characteristics. Reading what I have written, I know that a stranger would think I am an ungrateful, uncaring, and horrible son who would ruin her reputation in this way. Even I feel like that. I feel guilty most of the time. Not a day goes by when I do not condemn myself for what I am doing. Is it worth the pain and suffering? Am I really accomplishing anything here? There are too many questions and not enough answers.

It seems as though there are times when I get the present and the past mixed up. Everything seems to become blurred. I wake up in the middle of the night to see my abusers surrounding me. I cringe and try to keep my eyes tightly shut. Rarely does it help. They are still there. They are touching and holding me -- putting their hands and other parts of their bodies where they should not be.

I really need to start seeing a therapist on a regular basis. I have tried to find one, along with a good friend, but so far, we have not been successful. I fail to understand why a mental health clinic does not have anyone who can deal with PTSD. At the very least, I would think they would be able to refer me to someone who can. Whoever I see must accept Medicare or Medicaid, and their office must be wheelchair accessible. In a city with a population of almost a half a million people, I would think there should be at least one person with the skills, abilities, and time to help me. Is that asking too much?

You do not need to feel guilty for telling the truth. Your mom (as you have graciously included) had her good points, but she's not perfect...telling the truth is important if you are going to heal, and it doesn't help her to let her live as if the truth is a lie. Likely she will never know what you've shared anyway, and none of us here, or your t. know her, so you aren't doing her any harm. But what happened to you is real, you aren't suffering these nightmares and fears and PTSD for nothing...it's ok to tell your own story. It's not your job to protect her, it was her job to protect you.
em

Wow! There is a lot in your most recent post - INCREDIBLE PAIN AND SUFFERING!!!! PTSD, especially when you are in the thick of it, is excruciating, painful, pure suffering, unfortunately. I don't know if it helps you to know that what you are experiencing is what so many of us experience. Not trying to minimize it or down play what you are going through in ANY way. Just want you to know you are not alone. In the middle of things it is often hard to get oriented, to wrap your mind around things, to make sense of things...... and that makes living day to day very, very difficult. Then, the fear. The fear seems paralyzing, doesn't it? Especially when you continue to feel as if you are living through those traumas, again and again and again. It's ok. You are safe right now. It is 2007. Those people cannot hurt you anymore. You are safe.

There is no "right" way to heal from this. Only YOU know what you need and HOW you need it. Trust yourself and your gut. You already know everything you need to know and you already have all you need within you. A therapist can help you get past the fear and access what is already in you - your strengths, your wisdom, your intuition - but they are already there. Just wanted you to know that, because it sounds like there are so many things in the way of you getting to see a therapist right now. I am so sorry that is the case. It is an injustice that people seeking help cannot get it or find it so difficult to get it. My heart goes out to you. Don't give up. You have so much strength, wisdom, courage - and right now, the part of you that wants to heal/is healing is stronger than that fear!! I know that because you are here, reaching out to all of us... you are conquering that fear merely by giving voice to you!!! It is a big, big, big step just to speak up! Look back at just how far you've come! It is amazing how much you've already accomplished! You ARE doing this!