Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that the person experiences as h...
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I don't know how to start here.
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I've been a member of this community for a few weeks, but I've never said anything until now. I don't know where to begin, or where to start, so I will just ramble on a bit. If nothing I say makes any sense, or if I haven't said enough, please let me know.
Within the past month I've been diagnosed with having PTSD. I think I've known it for several years but have successfully avoided dealing with it. I cannot continue doing that. At the age of about three or four, I began being sexually abused by a family member. I was too young to do anything about it, or to really understand what was happening. As I grew older I got the feeling that something was wrong, however, I was still unable to get away because I had a physical disability. The abuse continued throughout most of my life although not on a daily basis. The older I became, the less it happened. For almost a year I've been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for severe depression, anxiety, physical and emotional abuse, and a slew of other things. I have succeeded in keeping the sexual abuse pretty much to myself until the past month or so. Because I had some doubts about whether or not I was really receiving abuse, I asked my therapist what constituted sexual abuse. I then gave her a hypothetical situation, and asked her if that was abuse, and she said yes. Although I realize what was done to me was not right, I still have feelings of love toward my abuser, who is no longer living. At the same time, I have strong feelings of guilt about what occurred. I've been told that it was not my fault, but it's hard for me to believe that. When I think of it, which is quite frequently, I am filled with an enormous amount of shame and embarrassment. My therapy is about to end soon -- in two to three months -- and I am told by my therapist that she will not have enough time to help me deal with this trauma. I have been through periods of severe depression with suicidal tendencies. I am afraid of what will happen to me once my therapy ends. So that's what brings me here today. I don't know if I can be helped, but that's part of why I came here in the first place. Posted on 05/10/07, 07:05 pm |
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One of my abusers was my mother, who is no longer living. Although she was with me for the longest period of time, she was certainly not the worst abuser. Can someone explain why I still love her memory, and why my feelings of anger come and go? 
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I still love my dad, somewhere buried where I can't admit it.there are good memories somewhere in there too. for me it was dad brushing my hair and being so careful not to pull the tangles. But we spend so much of our young lives trying to please, to feel safe and loved, and when young ya kinda latch onto those good parts. That doesn't smooth over the bad, or make it any easier to take.... for me alot of times it makes it more bitter.....
We all react differently to pain our parents inflicted, my bro n I have had completely different reactions and feelings about the whole situation. And if you can never talk about all of it to anyone, that's ok, go as far as you feel comfy with, and every time it gets easier. I still don't tell most people much, and only 1 or 2 people get the worst pieces of it. Hopefully someday there will be someone who will earn your trust enough to share that pain for you
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I too have a disability and when I told my family what happened to me they had this idea that I was crazy and was in the habit of making up stories. My disability makes my coping harder because I now have flash backs and nightmares of the three individuals that raped me. I finally found someone to talk with and it helps. If your counselor can not continue to see you then him/her to recommend another.
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I have talked with my therapist about finding a replacement, but she has been unable to come up with any good ideas. The last thing she suggested was to find a doctor who could talk with me now and then. I don't consider that a very practical idea. But I'm not giving up and have been talking with a few other people who are trying to come up with something for me.I will look around and see if I can find a group of people who have similar problems, and meet together. This may take a while, but I have plenty of time.
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I wish that I had some more ideas for you. You could call the insurance company maybe they will be able to give you a list of availables in the area that specialize in your issues. Good luck.
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Someone I know has suggested that I get some spiritual counseling. I'm not too familiar with it. It sounds like it has something to do with religion. I am not anti-religion, but I feel that considering the subject I need help with, I need a counselor trained in dealing with earthly matters. Is anyone here familiar with spiritual counseling, and if so, can you tell me how it differs from regular counseling? I'd also like opinions from others on whether or not this would be a good or bad idea.
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I just read your reply on spiritual counciling and that is what I am doing right now. The main focus is how to get better and letting God help you and fit into the healing process. I never used to be into religion, but I have found it to help after going to Alanon. I figured it was going to take a higher power to get me out of the mess that I am in because the people around me are not doing very much.....
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I am tired of living with the constant struggle to keep going on. Memories of the past keep invading my mind day and night. I find myself growing increasingly tired of living. I find myself being attracted to the idea of death with each day that passes. Surely it cannot be any worse than what I am going through now. I am leaning toward it as a final solution to all my problems.
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death is not the answer. I will pray that you find peace some other way soon.
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I have been trying to forget that my brother aided my abuser to a small extent. He lives about an hour away from me, but we do not see or talk to each other very often. He says he does not remember taking part in anything. If I can remember it, why can't he? As minor as it was, I have tried to forget his role in things. But I have an inner anger and turmoil that is difficult to release. My brother has helped me in different ways throughout my life, and I have tried to forget and forgive him. But it keeps coming up and staring me in the face. I do not want to hurt him, which I think I can do in various ways, but he angers and hurts me with ease. I might be able to ignore it, but I do not think the memories will ever go away.
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