Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that the per...
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Late on-set PTSD
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I struggle with PTSD. It actually hit me much later in life. I was abused in all ways throughout my entire childhood. I bounced around repeatedly from my father to a neighbor/family member/ family friend/ and foster care. As a child I think I was able to create my own perfect world in my head. I went to school and told stories about all the wonderful things my family did together over the weekend -- when in truth I had nine times out of ten been abandoned, beaten, or hiding for the entire weekend. I spent my childhood and up through my young adult years in complete denial of my horrendous past.
As an adult I remember the moment the vicious PTSD monster was unleashed. I had been dating a man whom I was completely in love with--(moved to another state and restarted my career)-- for 3 years. The promise an intention of a future together was discussed repeatedly, but after making the move away from all my family and friends the relationship fell apart and I found myself in a big city, scared, helpless, and alone. I literally fell to the floor and sobbed. I laid there for the entire day. I didn't move. I curled up in a ball and just laid there. That was the moment PTSD was unleashed. Now, I find myself in the midst of such horrible trauma, flashbacks and painful memories on a daily basis. I see a therapist once a week and I generally can not make it through a session without completely dissociating. What I mean by that is my whole body tenses up. It's as if my body turns to stone. My heart pounds, my breathing all-but stops, and I shake uncontrollably. I can hear my therapist talking to me but it often doesn't register in my head, or if it does it doesn't effect the emotional and physical reaction my body is in the midst of. I'm wondering if anyone out there has had similar experiences with PTSD/Dissociation and how they deal with them? I feel as if my episodes of Dissociation are growing stronger and increasingly harder to break from. I had a session this past Wednesday and I wasted more than half the session "stuck," feeling as if there was a vacuum inside my chest attempting to suck the rest of my body into it. As I said, it's getting worse. Why???? HOw do I make it stop??? I've already had my meds increased so that is not the answer. It's such a painful and frustrating experience! Posted on 05/16/08, 07:05 pm |
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Take care, thinking of you. I know it's hard, it won't always be like this but it may take some time. Whatever is happening day to day. give that 'adult' voice inside you credit for the 'insight' and protective ideas you have and hold on, do what you must,your on a very 'hairy' ride. A ride others have experienced, it is possible to come through to sunlight. W 
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I completely get what you're saying. The same thing happened/happens to me. I took a break from therapy, which helped. During my break, I went back to not focusing on my past and ignoring the physical symptoms until it finally went away (or at least went back to not being completely life wrecking). During that break I realized that even though my PTSD hit me later in life ... that I'd been suffering with the symptoms, most of my life. Maybe a break would help you too.
As for meds, I don't take any. If they work for you... stick with 'um ... but I've read that most drugs don't really help PTSD, so - to this point - I've avoided them. Changing therapist helped me too. My last therapist was very direct and, to be honest, somewhat hostile. He INCREASED my symptoms. He increased my distrust, fear and sadness. His methods weren't suited for someone with PTSD and he wasn't a trauma therapist. My new person is ... and she's much calmer, less agressive and seems to connect with me a little better. After two sessions with her I've only experienced short bouts with the PTSD symptoms. I know to heal that I'm going to have to run through the fire ... which will be painful ... but I'm hoping my new therapist will help me build a "protecitive suit" before tossing me into the flames. I truly wish you healing and peace. Keep coming here for support... DS is a great way to feel "normal" during very difficult times. We're all here to help and support you.
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I think I should clarify... when I said "normal" I just meant "not alone." Those would have been better word choices.
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Thank you Waveride and Seeking for your responses. I appreciate your willingness to offer your two cents. :O)
I am working with a trauma specialist. I really trust her! She is wonderful and makes herself available to me at any time. I trust her. I think the PTSD is really hard. We are beginning to talk about things I have never voiced and it freaks me out for days. Part of me wants to have a 24 hour session and get it all out and over with and the other part of me wants to pretend I'm another person, who had a perfect childhood and was loved dearly-- like the stories I created and told to peers when I was little. Are any of you dealing with dissociation, and if so are you willing to talk about it? I too believe I have always done it, but it's really strong right now. When it starts I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a mountain and it is a very steep decline. I feel as if the momentum pulls me down the hill in slow motion and when the decline has set in motion there is no way to stop the decent. The affects of the decent are trembling, stiff/tight muscles, tuning out of the world around me, and loss of body movements. I can hear my therapist talking to me but either it doesn't register as a message for me, or it sounds like I'm underwater and all I hear is gurgling but I can't quite make out what she is saying. The last session the force was so strong I had a really really hard time snapping out of it. I could hear my therapist talking (telling me I am ok and that she is here) and I could feel her hands tapping me telling me it was going to be alright and that she was there for me -- but I felt 1200 miles away from her. It felt as if she couldn't reach me and I was stuck in the abysis. It made me feel like, though she wanted to help, even she was not strong enough to break the control my father has over me. Do any of you have any suggestions about how to deal with this force that is associated with PTSD? It might be helpful to know how you all deal with it and what has been helpful for you all. Thank you so... much for being a part of my healing and being open to share your healing with me as well.
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Hi Albi,
I deal with disassociation - though thankfully it has eased off in the past few years. I realised I had been disassociating most of my life and it grew extreme when I had ongoing exposure to a violent client through my work. I was so out of it my psychologist thought my GP had put me on a high dose of Valium. I remained this way for a number of week, gradually improving over 3 months until I could return to work. In my case I had to rest (not hard as I was just sleeping - lapsing into a coma like state) all the time. NO exposure to stress (which made life interesting as I was on Workers Compensation) or violence and when I was able to just keep talking to my doctors. I am now able to recognise the start of an episode and manage to keep myself in the here and now by focusing where I am and who I am with and to ensure that person is talking to me and grounding me. For me disassociation is different to a flashback - when I am in a flashback its scary and I want out - I am experiencing absolute terror and fear - when I am disassociating its safe and I feel numb and nothing can get me - like I have a big bubble around me protecting me. I don't know if this makes any sense but it is how it feels for me. An extreme flashback can lead to disassociation. For me the rest of my life I need to be careful about avoiding potentially violent or a hint of violence situations. I took a break from therapy too or I would avoid - my therapist would ring me and tell me it was OK and I didn't need to go there until I was ready. It took a lot of time but there is a light just keeping striding toward it. Contact me if you want to talk more. DD xx
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Dissociation for me is my bodies protective mechanism which I now appreciate got me through to today. When my body was/is shaking my Therapist explained it as a letting go of all the fear my body had stored: She took me through a process where energy(shaking) ended up going out through my feet. W
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