Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that the per...
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I don't know how to start here.
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I've been a member of this community for a few weeks, but I've never said anything until now. I don't know where to begin, or where to start, so I will just ramble on a bit. If nothing I say makes any sense, or if I haven't said enough, please let me know.
Within the past month I've been diagnosed with having PTSD. I think I've known it for several years but have successfully avoided dealing with it. I cannot continue doing that. At the age of about three or four, I began being sexually abused by a family member. I was too young to do anything about it, or to really understand what was happening. As I grew older I got the feeling that something was wrong, however, I was still unable to get away because I had a physical disability. The abuse continued throughout most of my life although not on a daily basis. The older I became, the less it happened. For almost a year I've been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for severe depression, anxiety, physical and emotional abuse, and a slew of other things. I have succeeded in keeping the sexual abuse pretty much to myself until the past month or so. Because I had some doubts about whether or not I was really receiving abuse, I asked my therapist what constituted sexual abuse. I then gave her a hypothetical situation, and asked her if that was abuse, and she said yes. Although I realize what was done to me was not right, I still have feelings of love toward my abuser, who is no longer living. At the same time, I have strong feelings of guilt about what occurred. I've been told that it was not my fault, but it's hard for me to believe that. When I think of it, which is quite frequently, I am filled with an enormous amount of shame and embarrassment. My therapy is about to end soon -- in two to three months -- and I am told by my therapist that she will not have enough time to help me deal with this trauma. I have been through periods of severe depression with suicidal tendencies. I am afraid of what will happen to me once my therapy ends. So that's what brings me here today. I don't know if I can be helped, but that's part of why I came here in the first place. Posted on 05/10/07, 07:05 pm |
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we are glad that you are here. what you have been through is horrendous to say the least. no child or adult should have to deal with that. i know i feel alot of shame and embarassment over the physical abuse that occured as a child and it is a long process of working through those feelings. i hope this forum will give you the strength that you need to face the pain and move ahead with your life. your certainly welcome to message me any time. hugs/cyndi 
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Cyndi, thank you for the warm reception. I appreciated it a lot. You are the only one who responded to my posting. Is this typical of the PTSD community, or have I managed to say something wrong?
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I am so sorry for the pain and emotions that you are going thru and my heart goes out to you and It will take time to deal with all these emotions that are so overwhelming.I am also dealing with abuse when I was a child.
Growing up I was always told"If you wouldn't of said this Or done that,it wouldnt of happened"and that was said by my mother.My father was the one that inflicted the physical,emotional and pshycilogical all my life.He died in 1999 but my mother is still living and denies all of it(of course)even when my siblings told her it did.I am now 42yrs old. I have been in therapy since 2001 and have made some progress in my recovery,I finally came to the conclussion that I didnt get this way over night and it will take quite awhile to heal. This site has helped me so much,making new friends that are dealing with similar issues with comforting words and words of encouragement.Welcome and if you need to talk I'm here.Take Care and God Bless.
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Welcome to the community. We each have our own stories but have similar symptoms. The one thing we have in common is that we are all survivors. Include yourself in that group.
Pre-verbal abuse or neglect is always difficult to deal with because we didn't know the names for what was happening to us or the names of the emotions that we were feeling at the time. I too would be afraid of what would happen if my therapist went away. Actually I do have some idea because I have transitioned to a different therapist than I had at the beginning. It is important to continue therapy. It may take some time to build the therapeutic relationship that you had but that's ok. It will come. Ask your therapist who they would recommend and then schedule an appointment where the three of you get together and discuss your fears and your greif in losing a trusted relationship. It will make the transition much easier. I wish you well and hope we will be hearing from you. Keep us updated.
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Hi,
Our past historys are very similar and if you would like to chat, I am almost always online. Welcome to the group. Meria
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I’m not really comfortable talking about my abuse with anyone. On the rare occurrences when I do talk to someone I usually feel guilty later. My conscience always wants to know how I can betray someone who has helped me for a large part of my life. I still can’t find a good answer.
So here I am seated within a forum about to tell a group of unknown people some of the secrets of my life. I don’t know whether this is right or wrong. I guess that only time will tell. I spent a large part of the day asking myself how I could celebrate Mother’s Day when my mother was my abuser. This has been a sad day for me. While I loved my mother very much, there was a side of her which I disliked equally as much. She could be sweet and loving one minute and turn into the meanest woman alive the next. Throughout most of my life I knew she had some problems, but I didn’t know to what extent. Our mother had a drinking problem and to this very day my sister refers to her as “an alcoholic.†I cannot stand that term. Or maybe I just don’t like it being applied to my mother. Mother seemed to have had few, if any, sexual inhibitions. When she drank heavily, she tended to walk around the house wearing little, if any, clothing. It was ironic that I was more upset by seeing my mother in a drunken state, than being naked. I’m sure my sister would’ve felt just the opposite. Shortly before my mother’s death in 1994, she was diagnosed as having a personality disorder. Her doctors said she liked to “stir up the pot†and create tensions among one or more people. (While this is only the beginning of my story, I need to take a break at this point. I believe that I am beginning to have some physical problems which are related to getting some of this out of my system. I realize this is a healing process, but I’m going to have to take it one small step at a time.)
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I won't say I have been through what you have, but I have a feeling it was a similer situation. I was molested and abused by my older brother, and I can understand not wantting to talk to anyone about it. Coming here has helped me with SO MUCH in my life, and I wanted to let you know that USING US is okay. If you need to vent and get some feelings out, that is okay... And I am a great listener and would be there for you in a second if you need....
Maggie
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Will someone tell me how much I should or should not say about my trauma, as well as what I can and cannot talk about here without getting in trouble from DS? Are there some guidelines I can follow since this is an open forum? This is the type of information I need to know before I can say much more.
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JimK,
Fill your journal with your pain, hurt, anger and whatever else you feel. Bring things to share to the forums. Ups, downs, questions, request for support or friendship. We curse in our journals, but usually not in the forum. All of us have heard some pretty bad stories. These have ranged from sodomy, rape, forced felaciation, torture, verbal, emotional, military, childhood, adulthood, recent divorces and street battles. Some of us may not be able to read it without becoming upset ourselves. We forgive them their absences as they forgive us our need to vent. I am not one who shrinks from the most obscene of horrors. I have my personal faith in God that carries me and my history that reminds me of my falability. I have not abused someone myself, for that I am grateful.
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I have no real problems in filling My Journal with my feelings, and talking about other things in the forum. But I cannot see a time when I will reveal any specifics of the abuse that was forced upon me.
And I should have mentioned that I was also abused by some men, which makes everything seamier. I sometimes wonder if I will ever have some kind of "normal" or decent life. If not, what's the use of struggling to keep on living?
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