Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I recently got out of a three year relationship with a man that I intended to marry, but he became emotionally and physically abusive. We started out so perfect that I really thought I was finally going to get it right. I had been with a man a few years before who had done the same types of things such as calling me fat and unattractive, not communicating, accusing me of cheating, stopping me from having relationships with family and friends (especially men) etc...
I believe that it all stems from my childhood, and my father's emotional abuse. it began as early as I can remember, and continued until I was a teenager. My father would yell and scream at me daily, cursing in fact, in retaliation to something that had gotten on his nerves. At the time I scrutinized my behavior, trying to be perfect for him, never realizing until later that I was just a little girl. The problem is that I have never felt like, or been allowed to be, a little girl. I was called fat, lazy ass, whine ass, cry baby, worthless, etc... My father was on a constant crusade for me to lose weight, even though he and my mother were both overweight, and our family meals rarely ever had much nutritional value. The only reward I received was food, and then I was punished for it. The whole time I was growing up, I felt like an ugly and disgusting joke. My mother stayed in the marriage too long, and by the time she got out, it was too late. She went on with her single life, and I was left with no guidance and no self esteem. Luckily, I happen to be smart, and I spent years trying to talk myself out of all the things that I thought made me unlovable. I went to friends for moral support, but after a while these men started coming into my life. The first one was horrible. He came from an abusive welfare background, but I thought that if I loved him enough he would change. He didn't. One night, a friend of his called and told him that he had seen me with another man. My boyfriend promptly smashed all my belongings, things that I can never replace, and then beat me to the ground before kicking me out of the house. My next boyfriend, Bill, started so sweet until he drank alcohol. A demon slowly started to appear. It was a mirror image of my father when he began to make comments about my weight and my body, to the point that he would regulate what I ate every day. I wasn't allowed to have foods that weren't approved by him, and if i did, he would become angry or withold physical affection. When he became paranoid and suspicious of other men, he began to get physically abusive while calling me a whore and a slut. He would cause a scene if I even talked to another man, and I was not allowed to have any male friends. He confined me to our apartment, always checking in with him when I came or went, and we became more like bitter roommates than lovers. The relationship ended when we decided to take a break, and I made the choice to sleep with someone else. No matter what horrible things he has done to me, I still feel a strong connection to him. He has made it clear that he will never touch me again, and it makes me so sad. I saw him with someone else yesterday, and I cried so hard that I was vomiting from the headache. Why do I feel like this? Why do I still love someone who treated me so terribly? He made it seem as if it was all my fault. I was crazy and depressed, and I mistreated him. How could he think that way? All I ever wanted to do was love him, and have him love me in return... That is how it started, what happened? What can I do to help myself move on?
Posted on 08/29/07, 10:08 pm