Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hello,

I am new here. I would like to share my story with you. Kinda part of my way of leaving things behind I guess. I am no native english speaker, so sorry if there are some mistakes.

On my way home from primary school some of my classmates and former friends beat me up or called me names. School became hell. One classmate finally told the teacher and he called the parents of the kids making my life a hell. They had to say they are sorry, this way my parents got to know. My fathers first question was to ask me: "Did you run to the teacher and tell?". Elsewise we rarely talked about problems and pretended to be strong. Just to explain why I always stayed silent during the following years.

My greatgrandma died of age. A bit later I was invited to the birthday of one of my friends. My father went with my sister to the next village to eat some ice-cream cause she was sad of not going to a birthday. On the way back another car crashed into their car. He died, my sister was severly injured.

My mother had to stay with my sister. She hurt her knee whilst holidng my sister. My grandparents (mothers side) took care of them, my grandparents (fathers side) took care of me. I had just lost my father, but got refused to have any feelings. In my grandparents world children have no feeling. The suggestive question "why you had to go to this party?" was asked frequently and my grandma told me her feelings of sadness etc... telling me (primary school child than) "I sometimes think we should have seen his dead body to make sure it was really him." or "I always feel this pain in the area of my heart." whilst I was expected to listen and not feel for myself. My family did not take me with them to the funeral. Later when taking care of me when my mother was on business travels, sometimes when I had holidays or my mother was in hospital they thretened me "if you behave like this we will not go and see your mom", told me I am stupid, ugly and useless. Accused me of having caused that my mother never remarried. Locked me into a room with the food I refused to eat. Forced me to say I am sorry and accused me of being a bad child. I stayed silent. Later in High school when some of my classmates started to harass me making fun, hurting me, touching me in a sexual way, a teacher started to make fun of me etc I stayed silent. I never spoke, never told someone. I believed I deserved all this.

Took me twenty years to think and talk about things. I slowly feel more selfconfident and start to trust other people. I am feeling so much better these days. :)

Thank you for reading.
Posted on 08/17/08, 05:08 pm