Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Thank you Gilanon this is what I tried to portray in my first comment to the topic

interesting comments.. keep them coming please

I really want to hear what you all think

This is to upstateNY
you said, "Not all are angry some are hurting" It's time to get angry, it's the first step in healing. First you feel hurt.. then you get angry, then you act.. I guess I expect everyone to understand this.. I am wrong in thinking that, and I apologize. I know that it takes a long time to get to that point.. again, I'm not speaking as a psychologist, but as a survivor of abuse. If you guys don't want me posting here.. I'll stop.. but I feel such a need to right things in my own life.. and wanted to share that with you all.

Speaking for myself, I'm angry at some of the things she's done, but for the abuse I suffered because of her, I feel pity for her. I don't need to be angry to recover from this or to get on with my life. It was wrong of course and knowing why she did this doesn't excuse it, but I see no reason to be angry for her about what happened now.

She hurt me, she shouldn't have, it's over now and I must do what I can to get on with life. This isn't saying I don't have to deal with what happened, my first private therapy session is next week. I'm sure I'll find and remember things that'll make me angry as hell. The end of the day though is that I still loved her once and she was in pain and while I'm healing she'll still be stuck where she's at in her own personal hell. While it could be argued she's getting what was deserved I suppose, it's still a sad thing to see when life could've been so different had she made different choices in her own life.

-Gil

Siguy, just a thought and I hope you take no offense in this. Your posts often come across as one who is sitting in the therapist's chair, not the chair of someone who is working towards healing. I know that is sometimes a hard line to cross and sometimes it is hard to do that considering where you have come from, but it might do you some good to take OFF the therapist's hat for the time being and sit "on the couch" or in the group and let others support you, give you hugs, love and prayers. I totally understand your anger and your need for action. From your physical state, I also understand your sense of urgency to leave this world with one less victim or to make a mark as having done something to raise the awareness of DV. The simple truth is that DV is so pervasive, that it is NOT something that we are going to see wiped out in any of our lifetimes. Sadly, even when CH is in her 90's there will still be young women who are taken advantage of by abusive and controlling men. What we can hope to accomplish now, is to raise the awareness, let the victims know that there is help and support available, work to change the systems so that abusers are more easily made accountable for their actions and suport one another as we deal with the aftermath.

I for one applaud your zeal in wanting to fix us all. That is not possible and this isn't the place for that. It is simply a place for people to find others who have had similar experiences to hash through what has happened to us, because those who have never been where we have been simply DO NOT understand and are more apt to blame the victim (albeit inadvertantly) than to say anything supportive.

For example, one thing that people on the outside will always say is, "what did you do to make him so angry?" or "why did you stay so long?" They don't understand how these simple questions are accusitory and demeaning. His "anger" was about his control and not our actions and we stayed so long because we didn't know how to get out. People here understand that. People on the outside don't.

I welcome your insight to things, but also feel like you are in need of as much of the love and support as the rest of it, if you would just open yourself up to it. All of us have been abused. Each of us has our own stories and have been abused in varying degrees, but the degree to which we have been abused does not matter. The fact that we have and are dealing with the aftermath IS what matters.

I hope and pray that things look up for you, and you find hope and healing here, but that you find it because you are amongst a group of people who truly understand where you have been, and just as equally, don't have a clue how any of us got here.

Why bother getting angry. It will only cloud my judgement and lower myself to his leve. It is not in my nature to be angry. I will not forgive him no but I will do what I can to protect myself and my children. And anger is not the way to do this./ This shows my children that it is okay to be that way. I want to show my children that there are more diplomatic ways to get what you need in life. And anger will not accomplish anything but hurt and confusion. I feel anger yes because of all the dirty things he is still trying to pull. But that only increases my anxiety and why let him do that to me more. He is gone from my life and he no longer has control over my feelings and emotions. By him doing what he can to make me angry is just another control method of his to regain control over me and I will not let that happen. I take all of my emotions and feeling and build it into my strength, and many people can attest to the strength I have through what I have endured even after he has left me. If I got angry my children would not be healing emotionally as well as they are. And I would also not. I just take it for wht it is let him do what he wants and hope that his "new family" sees what he has done through all the court documents and wise up. And if not it is not my place to tell them either. I am not angry I am not sad. I am just a survivor and I will remain one. One that will always have the mental scars but one that will also not allow myself to be victimized again either. So anger is not my path of life, strength is...

Siguy, with all due respect, I understand what you are saying about the anger. I have been in the angry phase with my ex. I am trying to give you some constructive criticism, so I hope you do not feel that I am attacking you. You said in your post, "It's time to get angry, it's the first step in healing. First you feel hurt.. then you get angry, then you act.. I guess I expect everyone to understand this.."

As victims of abuse, we are used to being controlled and told what we should feel. That is called "defining". It is where you tell another person how they feel, how they should feel, or how they will feel about their experiences, opinions, etc... People are having a difficult time accepting your advice because it comes across as defining.

We are all survivors here. We do not need to be told how to feel. The fact is that we already feel certain ways and are in our own stages and it isn't wrong for anyone to feel any certain way. Feelings are not wrong.

Textbooks give a nice, neat little package of the grieving process and from step A-Z how we will or should feel. That's great to try and understand the process and share it, but in reality people cope their own way in their own time with their own feelings. They need support, a kind ear, a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes a little gentle guidance to make sense of what they are feeling but not told what they should be feeling at any given time.

I'm not trying to attack you. I have nothing against you. I do feel tension on the board since you have started posted advice. I see people that I have known for months getting upset. I'm sure as a licensed psychologist that you don't want to arouse and anger or frustration or hurt in others. I'm sure your intent is to help.

How to help is to listen, reflect, practice interpersonal communication where you repeat what you hear and then give gentle words of support and kindness. I know they teach that in psychology. I know that for a fact.

I think your own situation may be arousing emotions in you and you have had some revelation about it and are eager to share and help others. Am I right?

You are welcome to post here anytime. No one wants you to leave; especially if you need help yourself. We just want more sensitivity and no defining of us and our experiences.

God bless!
Amanda

Upstate, I want to respectfully point out something you said and disagree. Anger is not in and of itself bad or unhealthy. Anger is a normal emotion and one necessary for our very survival. What becomes good, bad, healthy or unhealthy is the way we respond to anger.

Take it from someone who has shut off her emotions, because she was led to believe that showing emotion was a bad thing to do. It is NOT a place you want to be. Anger at your situation should fuel you to change it in constructive ways. It is when the anger takes over and becomes destructive that things go haywire.

It is ok to be angry at the ex, angry at the system that lets him get away with it and angry even at God for seemingly letting it happen. These are natural and normal emotions and reactions. They give you strength to fight the system, stand up for what you know is right, and ask God for understanding. Burying these emotions only allow them to build up where one day they will come flooding back in ways you really don't want to imagine.

Amanda,

you said, "I think your own situation may be arousing emotions in you and you have had some revelation about it and are eager to share and help others. Am I right?"

the answer to that is YES to a degree.. the reason I'm here is to help myself.. I need to understand why I feel the way I do about my mother she wasn't strong when it came to her children.. but she was strong in so many other areas,

I really didn't want to advertise the fact that I am a psychotherapist, the only reason I revealed that was because someone asked (and that's putting it nicely)

I know I am causing problems.. it's what I do, I challenge people .. I promise there will be no more advice unless it's asked for.

Amanda, you said you were just trying to give me some constructive criticism. I always welcome that.. you go right ahead and do that with me, I don't mind at all. I'm serious about helping myself, and would love to hear more of your comments.