Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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If I'm Free...Why Am I So Miserable
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Okay...So if you've followed anything you'll see I updated my journal with pretty much this same information - but I need to reach out to everyone for support.
I left my husband. I never thought I would have the courage to get away but I did it. Long story short, there was something stupid (as there always is) that triggered him to get really mad. He started in with that crap of calling me stupid, telling me I was incapable of getting anything right and couldn't do ANYTHING. He told me, again, I was fat and lazy. I just snapped! I said to myself, you were already planning this, so go - just go now. So that's what I did...I packed up as much as I could fit in my car, got my cat (he wouldn't let me take our girl) and left. I drove all night and most of today and made about a 13 hour drive to my mom's house. As soon as I got into her house though I wanted to burst out into tears; I almost did. She asked me, "Is this permanent or is this a vacation?" I honestly wish I could say it's permanent - I know it has to be - I KNOW IT DOES. So why am I so miserable? I should be happy! I'm away from him, I can listen to the music I want to listen to, I can eat when and what I want to - I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO!!! So why does this hurt so much? I know I should change my phone number - in fact I will change it. But I can't promise I'm not going to call him. I guess maybe I can look into blocking my number so it comes up as unknown - then when I feel the need to talk to him I won't have to show him my phone number...I don't know - it's crazy talk. He's left about a billion messages. "I love you, I don't care about the money you took (yeah...I didn't take any money - it's a long story), I just wish you would come back - but I know sometimes we push until there's nothing left to push. He sounds so sincere - and then he starts crying on the phone...I know better though, I've heard this before. Yeah, he'll be good, he'll be great for a little while - and then it will BE THE SAME CRAP!!! I can even start to detect little snippits of it...he's leaving me a message and he's apologizing for "everything that went wrong" and then he'll turn his voice, ever so slightly and say something to the effect of..."I can't believe you just left me." What did he think I was going to do? Sit there for the rest of my life and be his beat toy? So I'm writing this, I'm feeling this...so why does this suck so bad? I have every opportunity to break away. I'm in a different state, I think I've got a good chance of getting another good job (well I know I do), my mom is so supportive - so why do I feel the urge to run back to him? Oh...and I have even more to deal with because my cat is going through seperation anxiety. He would have never let me take the girl and now my cat has to deal with another male here, my mom has a male. He's freaking out, hissing and growling. I'm terrified he's going to start fighting with the other cat, or bite and/or scratch me. I feel so bad about just uprooting him from his life too. I thought this was supposed to make me better...but yet I feel numb inside. It's as bad - this feeling inside me right now - as being there with him when he's abusive. So what's the difference? If I'm miserable without him why shouldn't I be miserable with him? Posted on 07/11/08, 01:07 am |
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This is all the first reactions you have to a seperation from someone like him. You feel lonely, he has made you feel like you cant be without him and everything else. Think about all that you said you could ge a job thre dont worry then. You mother is supportive and will help, you are fine thre too. The cat will get used to it al dont worry aut that either. You worry about getting yourself away from him and not to talk to him. All he will do is tell you lies that will make you think about going back. You are lonely now and confused, but soon (I wish I could guarantee how soon!) all of this will pass and yu wil be fine! I promise stick to it keep up your will and you will endure I knw it! We are here to help too! Dont forget that! 
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Good for you leaving. That took a lot of courage. Just take it one day at a time - maybe, one moment at a time if need be. I am just concerned about your girl. Do you intend to go back (with support) to get her? Will he treat her well? You are bound to feel crappy at first, but it will get better. It's great you had a place to go. Prayers are with you.
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Right after you leave, there is a LOT going on both physically and emotionally. First you are in a new/different environment, even if it is somewhat familiar. You undoubtedly have a LOT of anxiety. You have been conditioned to believe that you can't make it without him, so you worry that he is right. You have been conditioned to believe that you are worthless, so you worry that he is right about that too. Then there is the guilt, because he is turning on the charm to a millionth degree.
One of the things you have to deal with after you leave is the stages of greif. Just like losing anything else, leaving a marraige causes greif, and until you process that loss, you will feel all the anger, the bargaining, etc. Greif CAN be miserable. Yes you are free right now, so you can have snippets of happiness in the midst of your greif. One thing I promise you though, as you begin to process where you are right now and start to look towards the future, that those moments of happiness, peace, cnontentment and even pure joy wil get bigger and better every day. An outsider looking in to where you have been and where you are now would think you should be jumping for joy and never look back. The sad truth is that it just doesn't work that way. Abusers have a way of taking over our mindset and making us doubt ourselves that it often takes a LOT of time (even years) to break through that train of thought so that we can begin trusting ourselves and valuing our own worth again. I know that you are in a (relatively) new place right now and may not know a lot of people except your family. See if they can help you find a counselor. At the very least, a counselor can help you navigate the stages of greif and help you deal with the anxiety you will undoubtedly have for the next few weeks. hang in there. You have made it this far. You CAN do this. Keep coming back here for support, and gather the strength to do what is right for YOU, and you alone.
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You worked up the courage to leave and you didn't think you could do it. BUT you did it !!!!! See how strong you are? Think of all that you can accomplish without someone beating your self-esteem into the ground all of the time. Give yourself some time. In the meantime, I'm so happy for you.
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first off it is going to feel bad at first...your trying to break a vicious cycle from a hurtful person who has brain washed you into believing life can not be good with out him..change your number! Now is time for a life on your terms without abuse! As for the cats, give them both a bath and dry them with the same towel...they will smell the same and the fights will cease. they may even play together and become friends I use this method to introduce new kittens into the home and it works..
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You don't have your girl.
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You will feel miserable without him for awhile, then you'll go through the stages of the grief of losing someone with whom you shared your life. After awhile, the pain will start to lessen, and maybe you'll just feel lonely...It will sometimes seem like you want to be back with him...even tonight, after several months of being apart from my ex, I miss him...or who I THOUGHT he was. The more time we are away, though, the more things become more clear. After you have lived without him for awhile, you will become a new and happier person. I hope that it will work out well for you. Talking to him will always always pull you back in. At least it does for me. Make the no contact rule for yourself. Mark off the days on a calendar. Make goals for yourself, and decide what you need to do to make the serparation permanent. Do whatever you can to get your daughter. Good luck and God bless. You can do it. You are strong, and when you are weak, there are people and a God who will be there for you.
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For one, it is quite frightening to leave this type of relationship. But you did it!!! You are stronger than you think. Now you just need to go get your girl. Isn't that why you're truly feeling bad right now? You can do it, you sound like a very strong person.
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I left last Monday as well. It really REALLY sucks, but you've already done the hardest part. You don't want to do it again. Here are a few things I've learned in the past week about my relationship:
1. I sometimes was sad that I couldn't share something with him, but then quickly realized that whenever I've wanted to share with him before, he has ignored me/laughed at me/made me feel stupid/not understood what is in my heart. So, I haven't lost anything there. Done! 2. I started thinking of the "fun" times we have had and have planned in the future. Wait a second, I was always scared and had a veil of fear during all these times. So, haven't lost that either. DONE! 3. Started feeling good after a few days and IGNORING THE CALLS AND EMAILS! This was the hardest. They broke my heart, but I knew it wasn't real. He might think it's real, but the love you have for him is COMPLETELY different from the love he has for you. If you were saying these words to him (in a backwards situation) you would mean something so much deeper than he does. Once you get over these (by turning off the phone and deleting his emails prior to reading them) you will start to feel free. It was wonderful when these communications stopped wrecking my days. Once you start to feel happy, don't feel guilty! A priest yesterday got mad at me, pointed his finger in my face and told me "you were NOT put on this earth to be responsible for HIS happiness! He is a grown man and can work out his OWN feelings and find his OWN happiness!" Ok, well after a day, that's DONE too! It's a very very hard process, but realize that what you're feeling is part of the sickness. He's controlled your feelings for so long that even though you're away and there's no contact (Remember, NO CONTACT WITH HIM, I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT) he's still controlling you. Heal yourself completely and stay away. Get a job ASAP so you can get your mind off it and make some good money to secure your independence. If you have any questions about the cycle you're going through, get in touch with me. I'm going through it too! And give your supportive Mom a big hug while telling her to remind you to never call him! Remember, you've done the hard stuff. If you go back now, it will be even harder since he'll be holding this over you. Just stay away and don't talk to him. He'll be sweet but there is definitely tension building from your absence! Lots of love! And go turn your music up!
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Great outlook newleaf. I know you'll make it!!!
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