Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

I am really in a better position to tell you what "not" to do. I didn't say anything for almost 6 years. When asked about my marriage I would say it was rocky, or that my ex was not a nice guy. I spent so much energy trying to bury my past that I wasn't really living my future. Please don't do that ok? When I started having panic attacks and dissassociative flashbacks and nightmares last summer I couldn't hide it any longer. I finally sat him down and told him everything. Thank all the Gods he is the man he is because it was a lot to unload all in one sitting.

How far into this relationship are you? Is this someone you trust with other intimate secrets of yours? Yes he does deserve to know why you act and react the way you do at times. It is directly related to how he approaches you on any number of things and you deserve to be comfortable in your relationship. What you do and how you do it is entirely up to you, but my sweetie had already guessed that my marriage was abusive although he didn't know the intensity of it. Maybe it would be best to tell him that your marriage was verbally, mentally, emotionally abusive and just save the gory details for another time when that rather simplistic fact has sunk in to him. Telling him all about the name calling and the humiliation and recounting horrendous incidents may be better saved for a time when he has questions asking for clarification. Make sure you have a good line down to explain the abuse, but make it a bit more generic. If he asks for details make them small details during your first conversation about it. After that it's entirely dependant on his initial reaction just how much more you tell him.

I think you are doing the right thing so far. Letting him know in bits and pieces as the time is right will help him to understand who you are and why you react to some things the way that you do.

Relationships are a complicated process. As you get comfortable in this new one, and if the new guy proves to be one who is not abusive, then only you can determine what you share and how much. This is such an intensely personal thing that I doubt that I can tell you when the time is right. Only YOU will know that. If your reactions are getting in the way of moving your relationship forward, and if you find yourself "making excuses" for it and then feeling bad about it afterwards, then that is when it is a good time.

All I can offer you is what happened to me in my current relationship (which is the only one I have had since my divorce). I was determined to wait until I was sure that the relationship was going somewhere to tell him anything. One night we were talking on the phone about something and I got real defensive. I then apologized and made some sort of excuse. He simply said to me, "it sounds to me like you have been abused." He actually GUESSED it. To give him credit, he is also seminary trained and a pastor, so he has been trained to spot these things, but it was like a load of bricks were lifted off me. I no longer had to tip-toe around all of that and could just be open and honest about my past.

All guys will react differently. Some will become angry and over-protective. Some will run like the wind. By you testing the waters and dropping in bits and pieces of what you went through, it can test his reactions and prepare him for the full truth. If you are being triggered by something he is doing, you can start by saying that you would like him to do it differently (or not at all) because it reminds you of the way your ex-h did it and you are having difficulty getting past it. This could open up the floodgates for a full confession, depending on his reaction to things, but if he gets frustrated that you can't "just get over him" and you really want this relationship to work, that is probably the time spill it, because he needs to know that this is not something that you "just get over," it is something that will be with you a long time, if not forever.

Bottom line is, you and only you will know when the time is right for full disclosure. It will depend on how comfortable you are telling your story and how much you trust him to react in a loving and respectful way. If he acts ANY way other than compassionate and empathetic, you should run like the wind, especially if he tells you to "just get over it."

you need to trust your instincts, I have been in this situation before twice.... the first time, he didn't know how to deal with it and that should of been a red flag for me but I thought he was a awesome guy, boy was I wrong. he used it against me... the second time he didnt care and it hasn't came up again he just has accepted me for who I am and that's all that matters..... it sounds like you are ready to tell him... just keep in mind, you don't have share anything that you don't want to their your war stories...I hope this was hopefull.... good luck I wish you the best.

Hiya, I also agree that you need to trust your instincts and I agree with what others have said here. You do not necessarily have to reveal all in one hit, just a little a time, remember it is going to be stressful for you to talk about what happened. Take care and sending you lots of hugs.

i think it's ok in bits and peices but u should deinitly tell him. ur reactions are gonna be weird to him.

Well when I first started talking to my BF I told him straight out that I had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship. It came up in the conversation because we are both going through terrible divorces. So we talked about our exes etc and how we both didnt know the marriagae was going to end etc etc. And I am glad I did it too cause I still have my little quirks tht I do because of the abuse. And he is more receptive and understanding of it all. Of course I have to tll you that my situation is different. My BF realized that my father was abusive when he first met him and I didnt even mention anything about my father I just thought let him meet him without knowing anything about him. And my BF picked up on it quickly. SO I am lucky to have someone in my life that is in tuned to it all (his father abused his mother) and understands it also. So I feel that you should tell him some of it just so that he is able to understand why you do things the way you do things and why you act the way you act. I mean I feel as if I did something wrong all the time and my BF is always sure to let me know that I am doing everything right. So telling him some things is okay. But mostly focus on what you feel and do because of it. And after a while you can just tell him that you feel this way because of what has happened to you and he will fully understand. At least he should. Good luck and keep us updated please!

I was in that situation, with my bf. We've been together for two years now, and it took me 7 months into the relationship to tell him about my abusive dad. I take martial arts classes so that was my excuse for the bruises, and when I was upset I just made excuses. I would beg you not to do what I did, because for awhile it caused some trust issues because I hadn't come right out and told him, so he took it as hiding things from him. Really all I wanted to do was have him understand why I flinched if he made sudden movements or why I had a hard time when he tried to hold me. But luckily he realized very soon that I was honest and open and just absolutely scared to tell him because I didn't want to lose him over something that I couldn't do anything about. My guy (like what revpatty said) turned angry and overprotective, not angry at me though, at my dad. From what you said it sounds like you don't think your guy would be able to understand and help you and support you. That's a sticky situation because you want to be honest and open and not build walls since you care about him, but you don't want to scare him off based on you past, which involves the present and future. You do have to tell him, and waiting 7 months is hell, so pick the time in between you are comfortable with and just tell him a black and white answer like, "I was in an abusive relationship". If he freaks out on that, I'm sorry but he shouldn't if he cares about you. If he questions then you can give him more details, (like when where and what and it's affects)or if he doesn't, then wait and familiarize yourself more with him until you are completely comfortable telling him about it. I sincerely hope he is caring and supportive like my guy is. Hopefully he will understand it's not a part of you you can change or ignore and won't blame you. The worst thing is when the guy gets frustrated because he can't help you and he can't fix it. But he should understand that if he's 26, my guy is younger than that. If he is a good guy he won't and he will give you the time and space you need and be there for you when you need it. Good luck Hazi

I was in that situation, with my bf. We've been together for two years now, and it took me 7 months into the relationship to tell him about my abusive dad. I take martial arts classes so that was my excuse for the bruises, and when I was upset I just made excuses. I would beg you not to do what I did, because for awhile it caused some trust issues because I hadn't come right out and told him, so he took it as hiding things from him. Really all I wanted to do was have him understand why I flinched if he made sudden movements or why I had a hard time when he tried to hold me. But luckily he realized very soon that I was honest and open and just absolutely scared to tell him because I didn't want to lose him over something that I couldn't do anything about. My guy (like what revpatty said) turned angry and overprotective, not angry at me though, at my dad. From what you said it sounds like you don't think your guy would be able to understand and help you and support you. That's a sticky situation because you want to be honest and open and not build walls since you care about him, but you don't want to scare him off based on you past, which involves the present and future. You do have to tell him, and waiting 7 months is hell, so pick the time in between you are comfortable with and just tell him a black and white answer like, "I was in an abusive relationship". If he freaks out on that, I'm sorry but he shouldn't if he cares about you. If he questions then you can give him more details, (like when where and what and it's affects)or if he doesn't, then wait and familiarize yourself more with him until you are completely comfortable telling him about it. I sincerely hope he is caring and supportive like my guy is. Hopefully he will understand it's not a part of you you can change or ignore and won't blame you. The worst thing is when the guy gets frustrated because he can't help you and he can't fix it. But he should understand that if he's 26, my guy is younger than that. If he is a good guy he won't and he will give you the time and space you need and be there for you when you need it. Good luck Hazi

Well I decided last night I had to bite the bullet and tell him but I just couldnt do it. The words wouldnt come. I couldnt even speak his name to get the conversation started though in my mind I now know exactly what I intend to say. Why is this so hard?

Thinking of sending him a text message tomorrow before he comes to see me letting him know I have something important to say and asking him to prompt me if I dont start talking. What do you guys think?

Hiya, I wouldn't send a text, I think that maybe the reason you could not say anything is that at the moment you are not at ease with yourself to talk about it to your current partner. You need to believe in yourself, I am sure you do but you will tell in your own time, do not push yourself, remember take little steps at a time. Sending you hugs