Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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My Heart is Breaking...
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Well, I haven't posted for awhile, but I've been replying to some of the posts, and thinking about you all. I felt that things were going so much better. I was really rediscovering who I am again after being with someone who constantly second-guessed my every move, intention, and my character. I actually wrote three pages in my journal about the things I like about myself, then cried because I realized he never knew or appreciated most of those things about me. Or said he did, then would take it back. I think that's what hurts the most...
Well, I went four weeks without contacting him, then I had this sudden urgency to text him and say, "After rediscovering who I am, I'm realizing more and more that you never really knew me." Then of course he didn't reply, so 2 nights later (tonight), I text and apologize, saying "I am sometimes scared to break contact with someone, even if I know it is wrong to be with them. I just make it harder on myself..." Of course, no reply. Of course he would take no responsibility in all of this, having felt entitled to flirt and try to be friends... I have no idea if he even read it. I'm sure he thinks I am just a big screw up. At this point, my heart is breaking. I remember last summer, how much I wanted to believe that it was all real, that we could be happy. I felt so carefree, in the good moments. I felt horrible when he second-guessed me and tore me down verbally. I would have given him my whole heart, if he would have really taken the time to KNOW me. He doesn't, to this day, realize how much love in my heart I could have given him, and how many times he just trashed it...and it makes me so upset that I haven't left it alone! Last August, when I broke up with him, it felt so good and right. Now it's all twisted... I continue to make myself look so stupid! And the reason why I do it? I want him to care. I want him to know what he did to me. I want him to know I really loved him, and that he never really gave me a chance. I'm scared about the future. I gave myself to him, and it was a mistake. It is so hard to let it go. Even when I feel like I'm making progress, I still feel so sad sometimes. I don't expect you guys to say anything new...this is just the same old story, only I have made some progress...but thanks for all of your encouragement. Posted on 06/26/08, 11:06 pm |
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First of all it is not the same old story, it is your story! You may have some of the motions and feelings we have and have told us all of them before but each time you realise and add a little more to it.
You are right you do, as we all do, have the biggest hearts to give. And it is too bad for them to not take that heart of ours and cherish it. Instead they drained it and used it to their desires and needs. He will never know wht is truly inside you and what wonderful life and love experiences that you have to give. And he does not deserve to either. He will never care as much as we do it is not possible the only care he has is for himself and his own pleasures. The worst part is all of our abusers do not deserve the time and thought we give over them. But unfortunatly we cant get past it because of what they did. But we will survive it and move on. Remember that. You will do it you are making progress and you are doing a great job! 
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Melanie, Now is the time to count your blessings that you got out of that unhealthy relationship. and know that you are worth more and deserve better...alot better.
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You want them to see that you are better than they say you are when they are angry...you want to believe that they love you because they are so good at making you think they really do. They are also really good at making you feel like you are losing your mind. You become very confused and isolated and sad and scared. You become part of a cycle that you never would have thought you would be in...I know how I want to be treated, and I know I don't want that...It can happen to anyone. It is hard to explain why it is so difficult to break away. They say so many horrible things, you want them to see that they don't make sense, and you get caught up in believing them when they say they are sorry and they know they were wrong. It sounds obvious from the outside as to why you wouldn't want it. When you're in it is a big mind game that doesn't seem like one. Trust me, I always thought the same thing until it happened to me.
You probably never WOULD understand unless it happened to you.
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P.S. I could probably ask you the same question as to why you do things that may hurt yourself?? If you really think about it, there is something that we all do in our lives where other people might wonder, "Now, why would she ever do a thing like that??" We all generally have some kind of unhealthy or addictive behavior that we have to deal with at some point in life. Maybe you could relate if you just thought about it from a different perspective.
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No, now that you explained it, yes i understand.
it has happened to me, but i just thought the pain of being alone is nothing in comparasion to, yeah those mind games that make you feel like you're going crazy! Yep you wanting to believe soo bad bad, but your gut telling you its LIES and you know it. OMG, i'd fogetten,I've just always left, thinking is better to alone than be put through this.
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Melanie, I totally understand. Please don't text this man again. He is not good enough for you. I feel like texting mine right now, but I'm not going too. First, it's too early and he would just come back after I fought so hard to get him gone. (and trust me, he's not gone for good just yet. He'll be back and I'll have to ignore it or get a protective order). Yes, the pain in the big and long term picture is less without them, but when you think about the good times, you miss them so much. What I have learned is that he sure talked a good game, told me all I wanted to hear, made me believe he loved and understood me, that he was my partner, my lover, my best friend. But that's all it was, was talk. He talked a good game but didn't back it up with actions. Words without action are dead.
I don't know if you're religious or not, but I was reading and doing some Bible study today (like all day) and I remembered that it took the Isrealites 40 years to make an 11 day journay when they were delivered from their bondage in Egypt. If we keep looking back from where we came, we won't see where were are going and will only delay ourselves in getting to where we are to go. I'm right there with you sister, and if you need support, I and all these other ladies are here. Much love and blessings.
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