Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful....
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what do i do to stop it
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ok long story, i will try to make it short.
my mom left my step dad last october for another guy who live 300 miles from here. she decided that she wanted to move in with me and my husband, we just got married last august. first she moved her boyfriend in with us. then my little brother, who thinks everyone in the world owes him something. she even made us by him a car that he trashed and broke in about 5 days. my little brother punched holes in the wall and constantly created problems because i wouldnt give him the world. she expected me to deal with problems like punishment food and bills. she doesnt pay rent neither did my little brother(who is 18) and neither did her boyfriend. her boyfriend moved back over to his home in february. (he was here to finish school) then my brother moved into a firehouse(he is a firefighter) so it was just me my husband and my mom. my mom criticizes me for everything. if i didnt go to work because i was sick i wouldnt hear the end of it. even when i had to take a month of to recover from surgery she freaked out on me. i worked with her so that made it even worse. if my house is a little messy like i didnt do dishes from dinner that night she would make smart ass comments. she never cleans never pays for anything but she works full time. and she gets her hair done every week and her nails done every two weeks or so. she buys those expensive lean cuisine dinners and has a really nice car. one day she calls me and says "im going to the coast to pick up marie (her disabled sister) and she is staying with us for a few weeks." didnt even ask me in my own house. i told her that 2 weeks was fine and laid some rules down. apparently my Marie wasnt in a very nice place. the person who was taking care of her didnt know a thing about hygiene and was pretty broke so they couldnt afford the best of foods. so she comes to stay with us for what i thought was gonna be just a visit. 2 weeks turned into 2 months. when i asked my mom after that two weeks came and went she said. oh yeah she isnt leaving. she is going to live with us for now on. does she even ask me. no. so i know now i sound like an ass for having a problem with my disabled aunt living with me. and i would not mind if it werent for the issues we are having first it was with the food(that i buy and pay for) she is ok when my mom is here. but as soon as my mom leaves she starts binge eating. taking everything she can and eating it in her room. sneaking food that i had asked her not to eat because it was meant for a specific occasion. in a 24 hour period(my mom went on vacation) she ate 24 corn dog 24 string cheese 12 burritos and 8 cup o noodles. and whatever i was making for meals We have a strict rule on no food or drinks in rooms because people dont know how to throw stuff away and it sits and rots i let my mom know that she ate close to 100.00 in food in one day and that she is eating in her room when she know she is not allowed. and my mom said "dont be so overdramatic" and said the problem is with me. HOW???? so not only is it a food thing it is a privacy thing. she keeps trying to get into my laptop just because she wants to. my laptop in mine. its for my college works not for her to play around on. one day i was uploading pictures i needed for class for powerpoint or something and she would not stop looking over my shoulder trying to look at these pictures. i know it is not a big deal but i was also trying to finish my project and i cant concentrate when i know someone is watching my every move. so our conversation went as this ME: can you please stop looking at my stuff. im trying to do school work MARIE: i know i want to see ME: i cant concentrate when you are watching me and its a privacy thing MARIE: so i want to see ME: i need privacy and i need to finish my work. MARIE: your a bitch then when i told my mom about it she pretty much told me to quit over reacting. then when she went to marie about it marie started yelling at me saying that i was an f-ing liar and she never said any of that. so again problems did not get resolved. and i got blamed for it. controlled in my own home there are other problems like she will come and and just change the TV while im watching it. She has tried to take money from my purse. she WILL NOT clean up her messes. yesturday she spilt a bunch of pepper on the stove then just swiped it on the stove. WTF. i watched her do it and i told her to grab the broom and clean it up and she said "i didnt do it" of course the conversation went to i watched you do it then my mom interfered and told me to clean it up. yesturday she started throwing stuff against the walls because the circuit breaker tripped and the lights went out. i already had my little brother put holes in the wall because i wouldnt buy him another car. i am renting this house. and they dont even care if i get sued because they trash it. then this morning. Marie wears nightgowns and just happens to have no decency. she kept bending over showing everything and when she walks up the stairs she shows everything. i asked my mom to get her some short sometime soon because she cannot be doing that and she says. you buy her shorts im not an f-ing piggy bank. WTF. she just went on a 2 week vacation to las vegas. how did she afford that? she pretty much tells me where to put it everytime i come to her with an issue with her forced roommate. so what do i do. i want them both gone because it is putting a huge strain on my marriage. my husband and i need to be alone and have our own house. not have room mates that refuse to pay any bills and damage our house. my mother expects me to help with my aunt i am the only person that enforces any type of rule with her and when i go to my mom with a problem she freaks out on me say that i am over reacting. how do i get them gone? am i a bad person for wanting them gone? i know we have to be here for family when they need us but where do you draw the line? when are they taking advantage thanks for listening tricia Posted on 05/30/08, 12:05 pm |
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hi i feel for you but i think you know what you have to do.
you need to tell your mum its time she found her own place to live and that your aunt can go with her as you never agreed to it being full time. tell her you need your own life and that it isnt fair on your husband. if she wont leave then if your prepared lock her out and tell her you gave her the chance. other thing for you aunt is a care home? and tell her she owes you money for what your brother did if he was still a minor or he owes it you. good luck. and hope you can find the strength to do what needs to be done. 
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I agree with gema24. It isn't an easy thing to do. I haven't personally been in your position before. I'm not sure how you feel about this suggestion, but I would politely ask them to leave and find another place because you are married and young and need time alone. You have that right. They have disrespected you, your husband, and your home. They are costing you money and you are a student so you probably don't have too much to spare to them. (I know because I'm a stupid, again)
Give them one chance to politely leave. If not, then I would come back with the police and have them escort them out. They are being abusive to you and you do not have to take that. You have bent over backwards and don't deserve any of this. After they leave, I would change the locks. This will probably put a great strain on your relationship with them, but you need to look at your own health, life, and sanity. Good luck! Keep us posted!
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thanks guys. i also posted this in the healthy relationships group. everyone on DS is so great.
i have talked to her about my brother putting holes in the walls and that she needs to pay to fix them and she gets angry saying that he isnt a bad kid and she isnt a piggy bank. the conversation always ends with her saying she will pay for them when she gets around to it. one of the hole wasnt just the wall. it was the trim that goes up the staircase. so we have to replace the whole wall because he broke the trim and the drywall all the way up the stairs. thank god my landlord doesnt do routine checks or he woulda kick us out already. my husband and i are going to talk to my mom tonight and tell her she has a month to get a new place. she wont put my aunt in a care home because she doesnt feel its right. im dreading the conversation tonight and im afraid she is going to fly off the handle and freak out about it. last time i even hinted around her moving out she made me feel guilty as all hell saying that i was kicking her out on the streets because im selfish and what not. thanks guys.
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Stand your ground and know that you are well within your rights to ask them to leave. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Stay strong! Prayers are with you. Thanks for your reply on my post, too.
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Hey,
I have a friend on this site named "Gotpatience" and I think she would be glad to listen and give you any support you need, as she will understand your situation very well. On a side note...abusive people will tell you YOU are the problem to avoid taking responsibility. Your mother sounds like a teenager with her maturity level in dealing with you. Do you know why two weeks turned into two months?? Because she knew she could get away with it...or THOUGHT she could. Now that you are gaining more awareness, set your boundaries. Even if that means "divorcing" her for awhile. You have got to be able to have distance between you and her, as she is really a negative influence on your growth as a beautiful young lady. She will probably pull every trick in the book to guilt you and try to make you feel like a horrible person...in reality, someone who tries to make another peson feel less by character assassination is in need of serious help. The thing is, she may be totally clueless...probably is...about how she is affecting you. But it is so unhealthy, and you have got to let her know you will not take that anymore! Family is family, but you are meeting their needs on a level where they should be taking care of themselves! Even if your aunt had to go to a home for people with disabilities, please don't feel guilty, because that is too much for most people to take on! God bless.
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Even if she is a relation, and I understand mother is possibly the hardest relation of all to deal with if there is a problem, you need to make her understand that whilst she is not a walking piggybank, you aren't either.
As everyon has said already, you need to stand your ground, otherwise she will keep on pushing your limits and taking advantage. Simply by being a relation to you, that does not give her the right to bring all these people into your home and allow them to take advantage of your hospitality as they have done. We're all behind you :)
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